RAT When you said you wanted to visit Beidahe this spring, Rat, you meant on holiday.

OX Congratulations! You will join the illustrious ranks of Mao Zedong and Friedrich Nietzsche next week, when you contract syphilis.

TIGER You know what happened to the old lady in Apartment 1739, don’t you, Tiger? And her poor little kitty-cat.

RABBIT I could tell you to avoid air travel this month but you’ll have little choice: the authorities are going to deport you as a Rightist.

DRAGON Now is really a good time to squirrel away those hard-earned billions in an offshore account. Actually, that was last month. Sorry.

SNAKE You remember the good old days, when being purged meant lying on your back with a pretty nurse and an enema? Well, the enema hasn’t changed but that’s no nurse…

HORSE Have you checked on the prisoner recently? You haven’t heard from him in a while.

SHEEP You know what, Sheep? Just fucking go for it. Nobody cares. Everyone hopes you die in the attempt.

MONKEY Keep your friends close, they say. If only those friends weren’t the nuclear-armed, volatile North Korean government.

ROOSTER You will meet a tall, dark stranger. Unfortunately, he’s a Uighur and you’re the Chinese douchebag who insulted his sister.

DOG Time to hide the porn stash and be nice to the wait staff: Hillary Clinton just walked in.

PIG Your Great Wall T-shirt business hits a snag when you accidentally print your address, bank details and list of sexual fantasies onto your spring/summer line.

Madame Jiang has been the China Daily Show astrologer since time immoral. She casts her runes according to ancient lore, as Madame regrets she cannot currently influence government policy on superstition, false advice or imprisonment without trial.

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Dear dissident who can’t get arrested,

I got worried when I saw these guys outside my building this morning. But it turns out one of my neighbours is a serial killer!

My beloved pet cat went missing while I was out walking it in the park last week. Afterwards, I spotted one of my neighbours wearing a bracelet exactly like the diamond-studded collar my little Fang Fang used to wear. When I queried it, however, she smiled and invited me to discuss the matter over a special hotpot. Should I go?

I Thought I Saw a Pussy Cat

Dissident who can’t get arrested says:

I recently went down to the Avenue of Eternal Peace with some monks, and released several hundred snakes and doves. I was even wearing a a T-shirt with the words ‘One-party rule is a disaster’ in prominent characters. In no time at all, several cops turned up and ask me where I bought the shirt. I told them it’s from a 1946 Communist Party newspaper! They all laughed and told me bring a dozen down to the station for their friends.

Dear dissident who can’t get arrested,

Could you help my friends and I settle a debate? I’m convinced Hong Kong is a Semi-Autonomous Zone but she is certain it is a Special Administrative Region. My other mate suggests that it doesn’t matter, that Hong Kong is an incontrovertible part of China and we should both just shut the fuck up. Who do you think is right?

No Access to Google

Dissident who can’t get arrested says:

Have you checked out my counterrevolutionary pornography? It is very yellow, very offensive. You can find it at [redacted]. Close blue pop-up windows and scrolling down halfway, look for the link called “Great Deep Forward.” Please ignore any red pop-up: that’s prostitute “spam” and nothing to do with me: it will mess up your hard drive and is, believe me, very difficult to get rid of.

OK, so I recommend the video with Chairman Mao in a donkey suit, reading (in truth, it’s not the real Mao. It’s an artist friend of mine, wearing a grey suit and fake mole: very convincing, though). Pay special attention to the book in his hand. That’s right: it’s the banned Ming Dynasty classic The Plum in the Golden Vase! Today, I see my local police station is following this on Weibo. I wait for the knock at my door. Instead, they re-tweet.

Dear dissident who can’t get arrested,

I recently pulled some strings to get an editorial piece published in a major US newspaper. It was extolling the virtues of working in China and I duly sucked on the panda’s teat till my lips cracked. A few months on, I now realize what an embarrassingly naive greenhorn I must have appeared writing it.  I’m now telling everyone that it was, in fact, intended as a satirical piece and the editors utterly missed the point. Do you think this will wash?

Jonathan Levine

Dissident who can’t get arrested says:

I’m not really sure this has anything to do with the real issue at hand. Namely, my efforts to raise awareness of the recent government white paper Social Taxes in Anhui Province. This is an issue that has been scandalously neglected in the West, You can read all about my efforts to resist the state’s plan to raise taxes on rural farmers by three percent in exchange for “social benefits” at my personal blog, sxuysncine.net. Click through the sidebar underneath the ad for kitchen knives. I have some devastating things to say about the local taxation bureau and, judging from my hit rates, it’s clear the powers that be are doing everything they can to prevent people from viewing this incendiary material.

Last week: Ask a police chief trying to defect
Next week: Ask a Japanese AV star

Having problems? Need to talk to an expert? Send your questions to cds@chinadailyshow.com

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By TOU XIANG
Defense Correspondent

The carrier's launch is now eagerly awaited by millions of dissatisfied women across China

BEIJING (China Daily Show) — When student and amateur military enthusiast Fu Xian, 19, went to bed last week, he gave his penis the usual rigorous inspection.

“It was as short and stubby as it always is,” Fu recalled.  The next morning, however, Fu’s ruler showed the appendage had miraculously grown by 1-2 centimeters.

The cause? Fu believes that the extension must be due to his intense browsing of domestic news stories concerning China’s first aircraft carrier, rumored to be called the Shi Lang, after the 17th century admiral who conquered Taiwan.

The news has been greeted with joys by millions of  stunted males. Downloads of a new zip folder, containing thousands of pictures of US carriers, Photoshopped with Chinese markings, alongside news snippets about the vessel, have stretched servers to capacities not seen since an infamous 2010 Japanese porn blockade.

Photos of the rusting hulk of the decommissioned Ukrainian vessel, previously known as the Varyag and now painted a dashing gray, might seem unimpressive to most. Indeed, the ageing carrier was originally destined for Macao, until the government decided that a floating Cold War-era casino would make the ideal addition to the People Liberation Army Navy’s arsenal.

Urologists in penis-growth research are already hailing the news as the “breakthrough we’ve been sitting, waiting for,” in the words Dr Ling Da, editor-in-chief of Yin magazine, a monthly journal of organ research.

In a joyful coincidence, Ling remarked, the length of average growth –1.7cm — happens to coincide with an auspicious date: the birthday of the Chinese Communist Party. “That scientifically proves it,” Ling added excitedly.

In a series of randomized double-blind placebo-controlled multi-center trials, scientists with measuring tapes crouched close by the groins of over 1,000 test subjects reported “remarkable reactions” after subjects viewed a military montage that included footage from the 2010 60^th anniversary Tiananmen Square parade.

Images of President Hu Jintao, standing stock-still in the middle of a moving limousine, produced “mixed results.”

Now scientists are hoping China’s increasing military expansion will provide relief and hope to hundreds of thousands of potential “micropenis” sufferers in the People’s Republic, as well as their allies.

New vehicles include the recently unveiled stealth fighter, known as the J-20. The new jet plane utilizes state-of-the-art 1980s technology and has thus far proved so stealthy that test flights have only appeared in 25 national newspaper and less than a hundred online military forums.

Experts warned that the effects of new military hardware are not always positive, however.  Shots of the J-20, released earlier this year, reportedly caused a nationwide epidemic of premature ejaculation.

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By XING CHOUWEN
Entertainment Correspondent

Davenport is seeking the rights to new cuts of 'Driller Killer' and 'Last Tango in Paris' as well as 'Caligula' (above)

BEIJING (China Daily Show) — China’s official state television channel has surprised observers with the announcement that it intends to be the first terrestrial broadcaster in the world to screen the full, unexpurgated four-hour Director’s Cut of controversial 1979 film Caligula.

The decision is the brainchild of Peter Davenport, recently appointed as new creative director of China Central Television (CCTV), following 2011’s disastrous Spring Festival gala show, or Chunwan, described by one irate critic as “the longest suicide note in Chinese television history.”

The 2011 Chunwan fiasco, which drew all-time-low ratings of just 967 million, shocked executives into ordering a shake-up of the channel, long-known for its tedious programming. One top propaganda official was said to have flown into a rage after being sent a DVD of Chunwan: Complete Happy Cut as a New Year gift.

According to a source, identified as “one of the Xinwen Lianbo presenters,” the state-owned monolith held several rounds of interviews for the coveted post before coming to a decision. Davenport landed the job after surrealist director David Lynch was rejected as  “too close to the current chunwan style.”

Davenport, a UK citizen and former director of Channel 4 who was sacked in 2005 following allegations of sexual harassment, immediately ordered the channel to take a radical new direction, ditching tedious historical dramas, tacky game shows and dull news reports for more sensationalist content.

Caligula, which starred Malcolm McDowell, Peter O’Toole and John Gielgud, is an unusual choice for Chinese media, as the original release drew widespread criticism for its scenes of hardcore sex and graphic violence. After numerous scenes were re-shot in secret and pornographic orgies inserted, writer Gore Vidal disowned the project and almost every version since released has been incomplete.

“I’ve spoken to Tinto [Brass, the director] and Bob [Guccione, the producer]’s estate about the material and we’ve agreed on a definitive version at last,” Davenport told China Daily Show.

“Tinto is delighted that Chinese television will be the first to broadcast this lavish masterpiece and recognize its genius,” said a press release from Brass. “He’s particularly pleased that the long-misunderstood, so-called ‘equine scene,’ featuring a horse and two nymphs, has at last been retained in its full glory.”

“Are you serious?” was the reaction of Grady Einstein, Beijing bureau chief for Fores, a US golfing magazine known for its anti-China imperialist bent. “This is great news. I, for one, will be having a night in that night.”

Gerald Gould, a media analyst in Beijing, said the screening was “unprecedented,” adding, “It has certainly brightened my day.”

Davenport also plans to bring in new foreign franchises, with reality series The Real Housewives of Chongqing Municpality set to begin filming in April.

Producers Endemol were said to be disappointed when they failed to sell rights to their ailing Big Brother show, however. “The idea of an all-controlling faceless entity monitoring and directing the actions of a society under constant surveillance clashes with China’s Confucian values,” Davenport said. “I don’t think the Chinese would understand it.”

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By XING CHOUWEN
Scandal Correspondent

Mackiewicz's passport instantly identifies him to officials as an irredeemable waste of carbon

BEIJING (China Daily Show) — Self-defined “citizen of the world” and all-round quintessential douchebag Aaron Mackiewicz of Columbus, Ohio has unwittingly become one of China’s most well-known foreigners, after reports of his drunken, offensive antics surfaced on domestic file-sharing websites.

Speaking semi-clothed from the all-weather balcony of a Nanluoguxiang bar, the insufferable US-cum-Tudou sensation told China Daily Show how, prior to arriving in China, he had dismissed the Communist country as “buttoned-up tight-asses… not ready for a freewheeling dude like myself. But after I arrived, I found this is totally a free country.”

Mackiewicz went on to describe acts previously denied him in his home country of America, a nation he describes as being  “run by a bunch of Nazis in uniforms.”

These “God-given rights” included:

• Urinating on the base of a statue of former leader Chairman Mao Zedong at the Beijing Institute of Technology
• Loudly condemning the ruling Chinese Communist Party within earshot of a train guard
• Openly reading semi-pornographic magazines on public transport
• Exposing himself accidentally to a busload of students on his return from Fragrant Hills Park after a 6am visit

This final incident was captured on mobile-phone camera by disgusted student Lei Wei, 22, who uploaded it to Mop, a popular Chinese Internet forum. The post led to an explosion of comments, including a detailed description of the Mao statue incident by an outraged college professor, confirmed by Mackiewicz as “totally true.”

During a three-week holiday in the People’s Republic of China, Mackiewicz, known without affection online as “Brother Dickhead,” has had his movements traced by Beijing’s Public Security Bureau, whose chief Wei Tao today confirmed receipt of over 40 official complaints that a “fire-haired foreign devil” was harassing citizens.

Wei vowed that the police would only act in the event that the ongoing Internet meme ceases to be popular. “When he stops getting clicks, we’ll move in,” Chief Wei told China Daily Show.

According to Mackiewicz’s close friends – who described him as an “unbelievable buffoon,” “jerk-off” and “utter motherfucker” – Mackiewicz is unaware of his own notoriety, and is now being unknowingly co-opted into shenanigans by ambitious post-90s Chinese kids with cameras, eager for a share of the American’s Internet fame.

BIT student Ellen Wu, 20, admitted that she has a ‘date’ with Mackiewicz scheduled for this evening. In fact, Wu has a bet with her microblog followers to see whether or not she can trick the unlovable Internet jack-ass into ingesting large quantities of paint thinner. Wu says the edited footage will be uploaded as soon as she can locate enough comedic sound effects.

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By XING CHOUWEN
Entertainment Correspondent

The ending of the ban is good news for both pornographers and fishermen

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Servers crashed and internet connections slowed to a crawl yesterday, after Japan ended its recent ban on Chinese exports of specialist pornography, in what is being seen as a diplomatic gesture of seasonal goodwill.

But the move, part of a thawing of diplomatic relations after an unsteady few months, left millions still without proper access, as Internet providers buckled under the strain of the sudden pornfall. Some users were this morning being told that “holiday hand-relief” was effectively canceled until after Chinese New Year.

Senior Chinese ministers were last night demanding to know who was responsible for the lack of preparation, which they said embarrassed China and left it looking like a “developing country, like Vietnam or Great Britain or something.”

Lack of access to porn is seen as a major potential cause of social instability in China. In November, Japanese officials blocked all exports of so-called “rare” pornography as part of a tit-for-tat controversy between the two nations over a sovereignty dispute in the Diaoyu – or Senkaku –  Islands.

Japan, fondly known  in China as “Nipporn”, has long specialized in such erotic exports but the November ban left to an upsurge in fake or shanzhai product, which many described as lacking the production skill and high cinematography values of the real thing.

User Yao Ten, 23, downloaded a copy of Calamari Co-eds 5 only to find it was an inferior Chinese knock-off.  “I found myself watching a group of Shandong women awkwardly rubbing each other with dead eels. A total turn-off,” Yao told China Daily Show.

Since the prohibition was lifted, schools and universities across the country have reported widespread truancy, which is expected to last well into late January.

Undergraduate Yu Men, 24, describes himself as an angry, bitter nationalist to the point of almost total ignorance. Yet he was quick to praise its adult cinema industry: “Japan is highly superior in the quality of their adult videos compared to China, mainly because they are perverted, barbarian running dogs,” he said, adding, “I’ll give them their due, though: their porn is top-notch.”

Search engines and forums pledged this morning to put their engineers on full alert to maintain connectivity, while UNAIDS ambassador and TV personality James Chau has promised those unable to download authentic squid porn free access to an infamous full four-hour bootleg sex tape, featuring Chau, that recently surfaced on the web.

In a public ceremony yesterday attended by international media, Japanese Foreign Minister Yamata Hatanzi handed Politburo representative Li Fu a specially commissioned copy of Conger Conga 4, featuring AV star Erika Sato with a cast of thousands of fish and underage schoolgirls.

Accepting the gift on behalf of senior Chinese officials, Li said: “Our countries may disagree on some things but fundamentally see eye-to-eye over the need to maintain a constant balance of trade between cheap, disposable plastic goods and 90-minute DVDs of Japanese women being molested by octopi.”

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By XING CHOUWEN
Entertainment Correspondent

China is said to only have enough squid porn to last two weeks

TOKYO (China Daily Show) – The dispute over the Diaoyu Islands showed no signs of abatement yesterday, after Japan was reported by domestic media to have taken steps to ban the export of specialist pornography to China.

The move, believed to be in retaliation for China’s unofficial limits on “rare-earth” exports, is said to have “devastated” netizens across China.

Pornography is commonly found across the Internet but Japan has cornered the market in the refinement and production of so-called “rare” pornography, a vital ingredient in modern web-viewing habits.

Reuters reported that Japan was declining exports in the 2 Girls, 1 Cup series to Chinese ports, though customs officials were quick to claim the stoppage was in fact due to “stringent quality-control issues.”

Rare porn is also manufactured in China, mainly in the autonomous Hong Kong region, but is widely agreed to be of a much lesser quality than that produced in Tokyo.

“Connoisseurs of so-called faux snuff, coprophilia tapes and barely legal schoolgirls consider Japan indisputably superior producers — and rightly so,” Sinologist, historian and noted philanthropist Sir William Buckfast told China Daily Show. “If exports are blocked, this could have a serious effect on the domestic tissue industry, as well as causing potential social unrest. One shudders to imagine how Beijing will retaliate.”

Buckfast, who was the first to notice the alleged freeze, added that he will be monitoring the situation extremely closely.

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