By TOU XIANG
BEIJING (China Daily Show) — When student and amateur military enthusiast Fu Xian, 19, went to bed last week, he gave his penis the usual rigorous inspection.
“It was as short and stubby as it always is,” Fu recalled. The next morning, however, Fu’s ruler showed the appendage had miraculously grown by 1-2 centimeters.
The cause? Fu believes that the extension must be due to his intense browsing of domestic news stories concerning China’s first aircraft carrier, rumored to be called the Shi Lang, after the 17th century admiral who conquered Taiwan.
The news has been greeted with joys by millions of stunted males. Downloads of a new zip folder, containing thousands of pictures of US carriers, Photoshopped with Chinese markings, alongside news snippets about the vessel, have stretched servers to capacities not seen since an infamous 2010 Japanese porn blockade.
Photos of the rusting hulk of the decommissioned Ukrainian vessel, previously known as the Varyag and now painted a dashing gray, might seem unimpressive to most. Indeed, the ageing carrier was originally destined for Macao, until the government decided that a floating Cold War-era casino would make the ideal addition to the People Liberation Army Navy’s arsenal.
Urologists in penis-growth research are already hailing the news as the “breakthrough we’ve been sitting, waiting for,” in the words Dr Ling Da, editor-in-chief of Yin magazine, a monthly journal of organ research.
In a joyful coincidence, Ling remarked, the length of average growth –1.7cm — happens to coincide with an auspicious date: the birthday of the Chinese Communist Party. “That scientifically proves it,” Ling added excitedly.
In a series of randomized double-blind placebo-controlled multi-center trials, scientists with measuring tapes crouched close by the groins of over 1,000 test subjects reported “remarkable reactions” after subjects viewed a military montage that included footage from the 2010 60th anniversary Tiananmen Square parade.
Images of President Hu Jintao, standing stock-still in the middle of a moving limousine, produced “mixed results.”
Now scientists are hoping China’s increasing military expansion will provide relief and hope to hundreds of thousands of potential “micropenis” sufferers in the People’s Republic, as well as their allies.
New vehicles include the recently unveiled stealth fighter, known as the J-20. The new jet plane utilizes state-of-the-art 1980s technology and has thus far proved so stealthy that test flights have only appeared in 25 national newspaper and less than a hundred online military forums.
Experts warned that the effects of new military hardware are not always positive, however. Shots of the J-20, released earlier this year, reportedly caused a nationwide epidemic of premature ejaculation.
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