TAURUS (4/20-5/20) You discover your father is Li Gang. Go backward one place, then forward three.
GEMINI (5/21-6/20) Good news and bad news this month. Scientists announce a breakthrough recovery to the previously untreatable terminal disease you’ve battled for the last four years – just as you enter its terminal stages.
CANCER (6/21-7/22) It’s your birthday and a close relative buys you an expensive electronic gift that will require the further purchase of a long-term contract, batteries, warranty and insurance just to make it operable.
LEO (7/23-8/22) An early-morning decision to hang a Tibetan national flag from your Shanghai apartment window leaves everyone unamused but yourself. And even you find the joke starting to pall after being detained and question for 72 hours.
VIRGO (8/23-9/22) The stars are smiling upon you. On your way to a deeply unwanted Qingming banquet with your wife’s extended Sichuan family, you slip on some ice and crack your spine in four vertebrae, landing yourself in hospital for the next three months. No more family banquets for lucky old you!
LIBRA (9/23-10/22) Growing amusement at the embarrassment caused to your colleagues by the ongoing WikiLeaks saga comes to an abrupt end when you come across a diplomatic cable sent in 1994, that reveals in intimate detail your Berlin encounter with a dwarf.
SCORPIO (10/23-11/21) It’s the Year of the Rabbit, which makes sense to you, as you’re very much the bunny-boiler type.
SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21) Ah, Sagittarius, you wily old dog, so often used to getting away with scrapes and avoiding the responsibilities for your actions! But then this is the first time you’ve bothered to pick up your blood-test results, isn’t it?
CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19) You thought it was funny when Japan got hit by an earthquake but where are your beloved mutterings about karma now you’ve spent your entire savings on worthless salt?
AQUARIUS (1/20-2/10) You’ve often said that everything happens for a reason. Which is why you’re increasingly at a loss to explain the discovery of your beloved grandfather in flagrante delicto with a water buffalo.
PISCES (2/19-3/20) Following a shocking series of sexual molestations in your housing compound, the stars suggest you keep a low-profile to avoid detection.
Madame Jiang has been the China Daily Show astrologer since time immoral. She casts her runes according to ancient lore, as Madame regrets she cannot currently influence government policy on superstition, false advice or imprisonment without trial.
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