Ask a Japanese AV star

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Dear Japanese AV Star,

Hey, wanna hear a secret? I never actually finished ‘Foucault’s Pendulum’!

Fragrant greetings! I am Da Peng Jr, son of successful fruit-produce seller Da Peng. A robust Chinese man who has followed your sustainable work through its many stages of scientific development, from Bangkok Booberella to Hot Sushi and Orgy Camera 6. But for me, underrated independent US production Fuck Me Hard 2: Fuck Me Harder is still “Oscar’s Choice.”

Of course, I have noticed the many secret and admiring messages you have delivered to me through medium of film.

Even when you are pretending to enjoy fruitful congress with multiple foreigners, you give look to camera and I see message. Having wondered often when you will decide to “take things further,” my heart jumps out of chest when I see you have accepted invitation to lecture on safe procreation at Central China Normal University – only 607.27 kilometers away!

This is surely a moment I wait for. I and my Long March Rocket DZ-5 are coming for you, my love, and only request one thing. Why do you not now proclaim your commitment for me in a more public manner, such as you professed the love to pizza takeaway boy and his three classmates, as they violated your sanctuary in lieu of payment for “large salami”?

Number Four Fan

A Japanese AV star says:

I’d like to respectfully refer further questions on the Nanjing Massacre to Takashi Yoshida’s well-balanced study of the conflicting narratives to this tragic event since 1937.

Dear Japanese AV Star,

After watching one of your movies, my boyfriend suggested we try anal sex. That was six weeks ago, and we’ve nothing done else since. In his words, ‘Once you’ve gone back… you never go back.’ Fine for him, but my bum feels like a 24-hour saloon; I can’t sit comfortably without a Hello Kitty cushion and a heavy sigh; and our recently reupholstered cream sofa is now heavily stained with santorum.

What’s a girl to do?

Numb in Ningbo

A Japanese AV star says:

So I’ve been keeping busy doing retakes for a reverse cowgirl DP bondage shoot currently in post-production in Tokyo. But next week, it’s off to the Native American Navajo Tapestry Rug-Weaving Expo in Window Rock, Arizona. As it’s the heart of the “Navajo Nation,” I’m quite nervous about showing off my attempts at the Two Grey Hills style (and the more ornate Teec Nos Pos) in public!

For group fucking, though, there’s no question: I prefer the Two Grey Hills rug every time, preferably with a bootleg of Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald’s sadly unreleased “Apollo Live Backstage”  playing alongside. The Two Grey Hills is much easier to clean, due to color and dye issues.

OK, gotta go: Haruki Murakami keeps bugging me for lunch. Wanting some feedback on a enigmatic Lolita-like character with troubling sexual and adolescent issues, I expect… maybe I should refer him to my classic academic entry, Suzi Bungholeeo Does the Cambridge Dons!

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