Dear Mormon missionary working undercover in the PRC,
I’m a mechanical engineer from Brazzaville working at a state-owned company and have been having an affair with a married Chinese co-worker. She is now pregnant and unsure of the paternity. DNA testing is expensive and potentially unnecessary, so we’ve decided to wait and see if the child has a big nose and full lips. If so, there will be hell to pay, but I’ve said I’ll do whatever she needs or wants me to do.
My question is, if the bastard is indeed mine, is he or she legally Chinese, and thus the property of the woman’s husband? If so, is there anything legally binding me to the financial care of the child, or should I start looking for work in Vietnam?
Right woman, Wrong time
Dear Brother Wong,
The idea that Mormons marry more than one woman is a misconception. They officially abandoned the practice in 1890. Intimate relations with a woman who isn’t your wife pretty much sends you to ‘heck.’ You should take that up with your priest at your denomination of choice, assuming you attend church. You do attend church, right? Which one, if you don’t mind my asking?
If you’re free this Sunday, say around 9:00 A.M., there’s a place I go every week near Xibahe where lots of expats (bring your passport) gather for talks—kind of like a book club. Sometimes the US Ambassador shows up. At least he used to. After that, I could meet with you occasionally during the next week or two to tell you about my favorite book. I’m free Tuesdays and Thursdays? Or how about Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays and Saturdays?
Oh, frak, did you say Brazzaville? That’s in the Congo, right? Look, if you’re busy, I understand. Come to think of it, I’m pretty busy myself all next week. Aw shoot, just forget everything I said.
Next week: Ask a police chief trying to defect
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