Ask a police chief trying to defect

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As Momma always used to say: "Bo money, Bo problems"

Dear police chief trying to defect,

According to the old guy who comes by my apartment every once in a while, I need to register with my local police bureau. How do I know which one to visit? What materials should I prepare? And is it customary to prepare a bribe?

Law-Abiding Foreigner

Police chief trying to defect says:

A lot of people ask me, Wang, what’s your favorite color? I’ll tell you one thing: it’s not red! In fact, that color just makes me “see red” these days, if you’ll excuse the pun. Actually, I’m in a bit of hurry, so let’s make this quick.

Dear police chief trying to defect,

My friends and I need to take a break from Chengdu. Can you recommend a place where we can book a last-minute vacation, ideally as soon as possible?

Gingko

Police chief trying to defect says:

A lot of people ask me how I like to relax. And the answer’s very simple. I have my hobby, collecting interesting financial data about my friends’ wives.  It sounds boring and time-consuming but trust me, it’s not! In fact, a  surprising amount of people are as deeply interested in it as I am. In fact, sometimes I get so much attention that I feel the need to get away from it all. When that happens, I like nothing more than an impromptu visit to the capital. There’s nowhere more relaxing than Beijing in mid-winter. One call to my chums in State Security, and hey presto! The tickets are all sorted. Now, I really must be off. Maybe one last question.

Dear police chief trying to defect,

Whenever I see a  crippled beggar, I give them money because I feel sorry for them. Then my Chinese friends get very with me and say I shouldn’t; they’re all part of professional gangs making hundreds of yuan every day. But I suspect they’re all full of shit. You look like you might know a thing or two about gangs. What do you think?

Long John Silver

Police chief trying to defect says:

A lot of people are asking me a lot of questions these days! It’s enough to make my head spin. Where do you think you are going, Mr Wang? Do you have something you want to show us? Are you planning a trip Stateside? And the answer to them all is an emphatic, ‘I want to explain to the whole world the reasons behind my actions.’

Let me tell you something. I recently visited a travel agent in Chengdu (at great personal risk to myself, I might add). I had all the necessary credentials. But you know what? They gave me the wrong tickets! I ended up in Beijing again. The minute I stepped off the plane and sniffed the air, I knew something was wrong. Luckily my chums in State Security were waiting with my ride. Anyway, that’s it from me. I really, really need to leave. Like, yesterday.

Last week: Ask a Mormon missionary working undercover in the PRC

Next week: Ask a dissident who can’t get arrested

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  • Jkirn

    Last “week,” huh?

    • jinnah

      LOL. That’s ‘week’ in the same sense as the cheque’s in the ‘mail’

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