Ask a sycophantic delegate at the National People’s Congress


Dear sycophantic delegate at the National People’s Congress

Today I came home from a very difficult afternoon: I had to fetch the children from school myself, because a large bookshelf had fallen on top of our “ayi” (nanny) and apparently trapped her there, so she couldn’t pick up the kids. This completely disrupted my Monday routine, which is normally to have coffee with a friend, then hit the shops. With traffic worse than usual, I decided to abandon my  shoe-shopping for the day and head home early – where, instead of a large bookshelf, I found my useless husband, Geoff, on top of the ayi. I’m now standing outside the door, watching them, wondering what to do. Any suggestions?

In Shunyi, still shoeless!

Sorry, I was miles away… thinking about Xi’s legs

Sycophantic delegate at the National People’s Congress says:

I’ve been listening again to the innovative 64-page work report delivered by President Xi. (Available now as an audio book, read by Zhao Benshan. Friends, family and acquaintances can guess what they’ll be getting this Christmas, instead of boring old money!)

Engrossed in the speech, my Communist Party spirit started to soar. My tender heart began fluttering so fast at Xi’s words of rich hope that it sent a deafening rush of blood to my ears… I think I may even have passed out for a few hours.

Dear sycophantic delegate at the National People’s Congress,

As a poorly paid taxi driver in Beijing, my job is difficult enough normally but this week and last, it has been positively horrendous. For that, I can thank you and your colleagues. Now I have to keep all the windows closed, even if I’m smoking, check for suspicious passenger activity, monitor for pamphlets or “revolutionary ping-pong balls,” avoid certain routes like a Japanese tourist, fill out passenger itineraries and generally act like I’m a cabbie in North Korea. Any chance of getting a small pay bump for all the multiple inconveniences?

Shirtless Shifu

Sycophantic delegate at the National People’s Congress says:

Ten more years! Ten more years! Sorry, what was that? Hard to hear anything over my incessant chanting of ‘Ten more years!’

Dear sycophantic delegate at the National People’s Congress,

With the summer season fast approaching, my question is: What is the best gift to give someone like, let’s say, a junior environment inspector who needs to look the other way while I dump something like, perhaps, cadmium, into a place such as, for example, a river that is – for the sake of argument – the sole water supply for a remote village. Would a nice Rolex watch suffice?

Puzzled in Pingguo

Sycophantic delegate at the National People’s Congress says:

As one of the few female members of the Communist Party at a parliamentary level in China, I’m often asked, “What do you think about the Party’s attitude to women?” To which I reply, how would I know? I’m only a woman, who’s a Party member at the central level, during the National Party Congress! Yes, I am joking. Ha, ha. I mean, think about it: that question is just common sense versus bad reporting. It is tough sometimes, yes: I had to get my nails done for the third time this week, because I was clapping so hard yesterday (I forget about what). But, by the way, all you cynics, it can be just as tough for the fellas – I mean, some of them spend more time on their hair than I do! Oh, wait, hang on. Here comes Anti-Corruption Wang: better touch up the lippie…

Dear sycophantic delegate at the National People’s Congress,

I’ve been watching the news of your latest NPC on CCTV and, despite the comprehensive coverage, am still confused about the role of the Chinese Communist Party in state economic entities. Care to elaborate?

Snarky Sinophile

Sycophantic delegate at the National People’s Congress says:

My God, I think Jiang Zemin just looked at me. Look, there, he just did it again! His tired old eyes seem to be positively gleaming. Now he’s speaking to a man in a black uniform and pointing urgently at me. The man’s coming over – I’m so excited. Wow, he wants me to follow him into a private, secure area round the back… and I’m not to tell anyone else. Of course not! I would not even tell my husband such important state secrets. Oh, OK: now I’m to remove all my clothes and step into this warm, steamy bath full of rose petals and traditional Chinese medicinal extracts, then await further instructions. Fantastic! Who says women have it tough in China?

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Next week: Ask Alessandro

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  • bert

    Funnier than Beijing Cream!

  • bert

    Wait! This just in on Beijing Cream! “Boy poops on subway”! China Daily Show don’t let me down.

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