Ask Alessandro: farewell edition


Dear Alessandro,

I am a 22-year-old American female, who just graduated and moved to Beijing. I don’t speak much Mandarin, but I’m trying to find a Chinese boyfriend so I can learn.  Unfortunately, all the hot girls in China make me feel bad about the way I look.

Every time I look at them, bouncing down the street in their high heels, tight blouses, padded winter jackets and rabbit-ear hats, I feel embarassed.  I’m not fat, exactly, but I’m still not as skinny as they are.  How am I supposed to get the Beijing boys to notice me?

Yashow Chica

Alessandro says:

Alessandro: a man’s man. But in heterosexual sense. Not the gay.

I thinks your problem is one what we Italians call ‘cultural differences.’ In Italy, we frown upon the skinny women. Some people really frown upon them. My old friend, Ignacio, who was my agent, he frown all the time. Serious: like he smuggle upside-down banano beneath he palate.

Anyhow, Ignacio once point out this woman to me in palazzo in Roma. I say she really very skinny, he say, “She not as skinny as Madame Fleur who run the French brothel.” Si, I say, but Madame Fleur have advanced Non Hodgkins Lyphoma, it make a difference.

He say: “Yes, but you see this woman – her face, her icy cheekbones, remind me of the childhood.” I wonder if he mean Mama, but he mumble something about the iron guttering on he grandmother’s villa. I see what he mean: this girl, her legs look a little like thin metal tubes, perhaps the opaque stockings. I think on this.

Meanwhile, the tears run down his face, you know how it goes with some men. Anyhow, Ignacio, he charm this woman, she ride in he vintage Alfa Romeo, but when he get down to the fottore, this ragazza is so skinny, her pelvis like a three-dimensional representation of the Bat Signal! When he smoke his cigarettes on the way home, something feel wrong. He check in he bathroom, realize he is covered in red bruises, like from the smallpox.

Immediately he call me: “What I to tell my wife!” I say, tell her you been in hospital, caught an unsightly disease. He point out that this raise the question of where he acquire the crotch-based disease. Is a conundrum, and at this time my head begin to hurt and I begin to think about the beautiful woman likely visiting the palazzo. Roma is special in August.

Anyhow, I cannot tell you what excuse he use – I never see him again and he body never found. Serious. Is a pretty good reason not to sleep with skinny woman, and believe me, guys know this. Suggest you wear the tightest-fitting clothes you got, show off all the angles of you anche, hang around some government offices. Perhaps you get noticed by B-level official with greasy thinning hair or something like? Is better than nothing and, as I sure you already know, fat girls, they cannot be choosy.

Last week: Ask a sycophantic delegate at the 18th National Party Congress
Next week:  Ask a passive-aggressive Chinese girl on Facebook

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  • Anonimo

    Could at least get an Italian guy to write this, there’s not a single correct italian word in the whole piece and it sounds retarded. Plus Ignacio is a spanish name…

    • Fuggedaboutit

      Ah, Anonimo. Does anything not get past you?

      • Anonimo

        I love this website, but this series suck, that’s it.

        • ben gazzi

          looks like there won’t be any more after this, anyway. curious, are you Italian? had friends who used to like this series but the italians always had super hate for it

          • Arianna

            I am italian and i LOVE this series

    • BigCAD

      Shurly some mishtake. Satire not your strong point Sir?

  • King Tubby

    Ms Chica. Don’t be taken in by this Mediterranean pillow biter.