Ask an English teacher with a hangover


Dear English teacher with a hangover,

I am wondering if you could pep up the lessons a bit, because frankly –  I’m just as bored as you are. I learned the Alphabet Song when I was two. Santa Claus crafts aren’t doing it for me (nobody in Beijing has a chimney anyway) and if I have to read Spot Sees a Bee one more time, I will repeat my noodles on your business casual/hangover Uggs. Honestly, I am six and we’re in first grade already. So how about you work on a decent curriculum over those Tsingtaos?

A New York Times crossword puzzle? The literary symbolism of Tolkien? Maybe some algorithms for building rockets? My God, our relations with Korea might be going to hell and we need to have a serious political discussion about it.

But instead we spend fifteen minutes every day repeating the class rules and talking about the weather – with flashcards. And – surprise – every day it’s “cloudy and cool.” All of this might be good for your headache, but can you take it up a notch? Maybe a lesson on global warming and the effects of smog? Hell, bring in a fog machine, do a pollution dance. Anything.

Jesus! If only I could speak English I could tell you all of this. Anyhow, thanks for listening. Good luck and gan bei.

Yours educationally,
Ambosia in Anzhen


Man, this teaching English gig would be awesome if it weren't for the fucking students

English teacher with a hangover says:

Christ, I feel like shit. Hang on, are you one of my students? OK, OK. What time is it? Fuck: Class was 40 minutes ago! Where’s my phone? Oh, shit – five missed calls from the university. What’s this? Jesus, I called Fang Fang last night at three… oh man. Bad idea. Wait, wait… so who was that chick I was doing shooters with – Bingbing? Lingfling? – what happened to her, any idea? Oh God, Mr Wang is gonna be major-league pissed… wait. Where the fuck is my wallet? Goddamit, Bingfling!

Last week: Ask a hooker outside Smuggler’s at 4am on a Friday

Next week: Ask a paranoid foreigner working in a state-owned enterprise.

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