Bo Xilai wiretaps ‘revealed intimate details of top leaders’ tedious lives’


Rumors Correspondent

You have the full transcript of Wen Jiabao discussing holiday plans? Just leave it on my desk

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Senior Politburo members ordered Bo Xilai’s removal after learning that he had eavesdropped on every tiresome aspect of their personal lives, sources have revealed.

Disgraced former leader Bo ran a widespread wiretapping operation that extended up to China’s president, it has recently been claimed.

When top leaders learned of his activities, they were mortified to realize that Bo knew every dull detail about their lives: from how they shampooed their carpets to the subjects – but not the grades or teacher’s comments – on their high-school reports.

President Hu Jintao’s right eyebrow is said to have started quivering slightly, after learning that details of his two-hour daily nosehair-plucking regimen had been overheard and ruthlessly ridiculed by Chongqing security police.

An exhausting 300,000-word dossier, available as a seemingly endless pdf, was delivered to the nine-member Standing Committee in early March, where each was embarrassed to learn of the others’ desperately dreary private lives.

Bo’s wiretaps were initiated as an anti-crime crackdown in Chongqing but soon widened, in order to pull in dirt on fellow politicians – as well as to see whose alliances lay where.

The flamboyant Bo had hoped to build up a J Edgar Hoover-style dossier on his rivals that would make him politically unassailable.

But the operation went into decline, after Bo learned that his surveillance team needed to switch shifts every two hours just in order to stay awake. “What is this vanilla bullshit?” Bo was overheard roaring at a meeting with top policeman Wang Lijun. “Get me the good stuff!”

“There’s only so much information you can do with the knowledge that Zhou Yangkang’s hair dye causes his scalp irritation, due to a mild soap allergy,” said a senior academic with close ties to the Party. “Other than to offer an aloe vera alternative.”

The details that have emerged from the wiretaps are already being described as “political Valium.”

Party spokeswoman Jiang Yu spends most of her nights reading and annotating reports from the Foreign Ministry, except on Thursdays when she attends Marxism classes, for example. Foreign minister Yang Jiechi prefers to makes visits to his elderly mother on the second Sunday of every month – the meets are described as “mostly uneventful.”

Bo did hit paydirt last December, it has been revealed, when operatives tapping Jiang Zemin’s phone finally learned the secret recipe for his ‘Seven Treasures’ dumplings.

Bo was adamant he wanted all the details on the Li Keqiang fisting rumors

“Bo’s wife, Gu, served Jiang his own dumplings when he visited,” an eyewitness claimed. “Jiang stopped chewing and his eyes widened for a second. But when he realized he hadn’t been poisoned, he finished the meal with relish.”

Bo was removed from his post in April and his secret files have since been dumped in an academic recycling plant in Chengdu.

“It’s all very humdrum stuff, not interesting at all,” said a top Party academic. “This is the main reason Chinese media doesn’t write anything about the private lives of the top leaders.”

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