Congratulations, China. It is good that you are having these dreams now.

Ja, the T-shirt has a double entendre

This is small step forward: It means you are slowly getting your memory back. I encourage this. It is just as we discussed last week – though, you must understand,  this therapy will take many, many, many years.

I post public messages about private stuff, so friends contact me to ask what’s wrong. Check out my newsfeed!

Dear passive-aggressive Chinese girl on Facebook,

I am a 35-year-old American, who just moved to Xian for six months to work with the Bill Gates Foundation. It’s tough but exhilarating work – and that’s just finding fresh tampons every month! There is a foreign grocery store, but they run out a lot and they are incredibly expensive there. One friend suggestion going somewhere called ‘Taobao.’ Any advice?

Little terracotta warrior

Passive-aggressive Chinese girl on Facebook says:

Mad now.

Dear passive-aggressive Chinese girl on Facebook,

I’m a 26-year-old British girl with a degree in sports science. Naturally, I want to break into the movies in China. Let me explain: I’m blonde and leggy, and all the cab drivers say my Mandarin is superb. My husband is really supportive: he’s 56, so he needs to be. If you could give me a few pointers I’d be ever so grateful.  I’m trying to meet Chow Yun Fat.

Star is born

Passive-aggressive Chinese girl on Facebook says:

Did you think you could get away with tricking me? Some big and strong part makes a smart lady stupid! Never again!!

Dear passive-aggressive Chinese girl on Facebook,

I’m an average 30-year-old American small-town guy living in Tianjin.  I’ve started dating this chick here, but I’ve been having some trouble with my ‘little emperor.’  Her mother says, “It’s probabry the porrution,” but I’m not sure.

Hard-up

Passive-aggressive Chinese girl on Facebook says:

Some people just not worth of my time anymore, even though i dont want to but i will, love my life always wake up strong and Live life every Day as it is.

Dear passive-aggressive Chinese girl on Facebook,

I really like listening to podcasts on love and dating, but they don’t seem to be very helpful with figuring out the local Xinjiang boys. I have tried wearing sexy tops, cut-off jeans and fuck-me sneakers but that only seems to make them mad. I want to see some Islamic passion in the bedroom – not just in the town square! Considering pole-dancing lessons, any advice?

Ladies night

Passive-aggressive Chinese girl on Facebook says:

Hated him today. Don’t let relationship bring you down. Tonight am happy. Love life!

Last week: Ask Alessandro
Next week: Ask a character in a Cultural Revolution novel

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Dear Alessandro,

I am a 22-year-old American female, who just graduated and moved to Beijing. I don’t speak much Mandarin, but I’m trying to find a Chinese boyfriend so I can learn.  Unfortunately, all the hot girls in China make me feel bad about the way I look.

Every time I look at them, bouncing down the street in their high heels, tight blouses, padded winter jackets and rabbit-ear hats, I feel embarassed.  I’m not fat, exactly, but I’m still not as skinny as they are.  How am I supposed to get the Beijing boys to notice me?

Yashow Chica

Alessandro says:

Alessandro: a man’s man. But in heterosexual sense. Not the gay.

I thinks your problem is one what we Italians call ‘cultural differences.’ In Italy, we frown upon the skinny women. Some people really frown upon them. My old friend, Ignacio, who was my agent, he frown all the time. Serious: like he smuggle upside-down banano beneath he palate.

Anyhow, Ignacio once point out this woman to me in palazzo in Roma. I say she really very skinny, he say, “She not as skinny as Madame Fleur who run the French brothel.” Si, I say, but Madame Fleur have advanced Non Hodgkins Lyphoma, it make a difference.

He say: “Yes, but you see this woman – her face, her icy cheekbones, remind me of the childhood.” I wonder if he mean Mama, but he mumble something about the iron guttering on he grandmother’s villa. I see what he mean: this girl, her legs look a little like thin metal tubes, perhaps the opaque stockings. I think on this.

Meanwhile, the tears run down his face, you know how it goes with some men. Anyhow, Ignacio, he charm this woman, she ride in he vintage Alfa Romeo, but when he get down to the fottore, this ragazza is so skinny, her pelvis like a three-dimensional representation of the Bat Signal! When he smoke his cigarettes on the way home, something feel wrong. He check in he bathroom, realize he is covered in red bruises, like from the smallpox.

Immediately he call me: “What I to tell my wife!” I say, tell her you been in hospital, caught an unsightly disease. He point out that this raise the question of where he acquire the crotch-based disease. Is a conundrum, and at this time my head begin to hurt and I begin to think about the beautiful woman likely visiting the palazzo. Roma is special in August.

Anyhow, I cannot tell you what excuse he use – I never see him again and he body never found. Serious. Is a pretty good reason not to sleep with skinny woman, and believe me, guys know this. Suggest you wear the tightest-fitting clothes you got, show off all the angles of you anche, hang around some government offices. Perhaps you get noticed by B-level official with greasy thinning hair or something like? Is better than nothing and, as I sure you already know, fat girls, they cannot be choosy.

Last week: Ask a sycophantic delegate at the 18th National Party Congress
Next week:  Ask a character in a Cultural Revolution novel

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Dear sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress

Today I came home from a very difficult afternoon: I had to fetch the children from school myself, because a large bookshelf had fallen on top of our “ayi” (nanny) and apparently trapped her there, so she couldn’t pick up the kids. This completely disrupted my Monday routine, which is normally to have coffee with a friend, then hit the shops. With traffic worse than usual, I decided to abandon my  shoe-shopping for the day and head home early – where, instead of a large bookshelf, I found my useless husband, Geoff, on top of the ayi. I’m now standing outside the door, watching them, wondering what to do. Any suggestions?

In Shunyi, still shoeless!

Sorry, I was miles away… thinking about Hu’s legs

Sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress says:

I’ve been listening again to the innovative 64-page work report delivered by President Hu (available now as an audio book, read by Zhao Benshan. Friends and family can guess what they’ll be getting this Spring Festival, instead of boring old money!).

Engrossed in the speech, my Party spirit started to soar. My tender heart began fluttering so fast at Hu’s words of rich hope that it sent a deafening rush of blood to my ears… I think I may even have passed out for a few hours.

Dear sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress,

As a poorly-paid taxi driver in Beijing, my job is difficult enough normally but this week and last, it has been positively horrendous. For that, I can thank you and your colleagues. Now I have to keep all the windows closed, even if I’m smoking, check for suspicious passenger activity, monitor for pamphlets or “revolutionary ping-pong balls,” avoid certain routes like a Japanese tourist, fill out passenger itineraries and generally act like I’m a cabbie in North Korea. Any chance of getting a small pay bump for all the multiple inconveniences?

Shirtless Shifu

Sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress says:

Ten more years! Ten more years! Sorry, what was that? Hard to hear anything over my incessant chanting of ‘Ten more years!’

Dear sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress,

With the holiday season fast approaching, my question is: what is the best gift to give someone like, say, a junior environment inspector, who needs to look the other way while you dump something like, perhaps, cadmium, into a place such as, for example, a river that is – for the sake of argument – the sole water supply for a remote village. Would a nice watch suffice?

Puzzled in Pingguo

Sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National People’s Congress says:

As one of the few female members of the Communist Party at a parliamentary level in China, I’m often asked, “What do you think about the Party’s attitude to women?” To which I reply, how would I know? I’m only a woman, who’s a Party member at the central level, at the National Party Congress! Yes, I am joking. I mean, think about it: that’s just common sense versus bad reporting. It is tough sometimes, yes: I had to get my nails done for the third time this week, because I was clapping so hard yesterday (I forget what about). But, by the way, all you cynics, it can be just as tough for the chaps – I mean, some of them spend more time on their hair than I do! Oh, wait, hang on. Here comes Wu Bangguo: better touch up the lippie…

Dear sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress,

I’ve been watching the news of your latest Party Congress on CCTV and, despite the comprehensive coverage, am still confused about the role of the Chinese Communist Party in state economic entities. Care to elaborate?

Snarky Sinophile

Sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress says:

My God, I think Jiang Zemin just looked at me. Look, there, he just did it again! His tired old eyes seem to be positively gleaming. Now he’s speaking to a man in a black uniform and pointing urgently at me. The man’s coming over – I’m so excited. Wow, he wants me to follow him into a private, secure area round the back… and I’m not to tell anyone else. Of course not! I would not even tell my husband such important state secrets. Oh, OK: now I’m to remove all my clothes and step into this warm, steamy bath full of rose petals and traditional Chinese medicinal extracts, then await further instructions. Fantastic! Who says women have it tough in Chinese politics?

Last week: Ask a Chinese Olympic silver medalist
Next week: Ask Alessandro

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Leaving China is not a new phenomenon. Nor is writing about it – as this moving letter, newly discovered in the Shanghai archives of the North China Daily News, proves. 

July 27, 1937 

Dear Sirs,

Fothergill: ‘Rumours a bloody disgrace’

I regret I must write again to inform you of our plans to return home to England for a short period of time, in order to attend urgent family matters.

Our steamship, the Hangchow, embarks tomorrow, and docks briefly in Canton, before making its way to Southampton, stopping at Port Said, Suez, Djibouti, Colombo and Singapore (I am particularly looking forward to spending a few days ashore in Djibouti, exploring the historic hammams of the Old Quarter).

We expect to be in the bosom of Albion by October. Our adorable houseboy, Fu Lee, who will be accompanying us on the trip, is already excitedly talking about walking on the “promenade” in Margate and having “ice cweams” [sic] on Brighton Beach!

However, although this is a long-awaited and much-deserved journey for us, I feel compelled to put pen to paper to explain our reasons for our holiday.

Firstly, this has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese ‘invasion’ of North China.

While many Shanghailanders have been quite rightly appalled at some of the more ‘unfortunate’ tactics the Nipponese Army has employed during its quarrel with the Chinaman, this did not dictate our choice of destination, which was agreed upon some months ago (although I do concede that the sound of shelling outside the Concession in the evenings has been really quite beastly, and most unconducive to quiet study-time alone with one’s houseboy).

Mrs Fothergill, who, alas, suffers numerous maladies of the ‘female persuasion,’ in addition finds the city in summer to be intolerably stuffy and the air disagrees with her frail constitution.  Her mother is also keen for our young daughter – Esmie, I think her name is – to enjoy the bracing benefits of some proper British seaside air.

Thirdly, this has nothing to do with the unfortunate so-called ‘incident’ that took place in Moganshan last week. As I explained at great – and, in my view, quite unnecessary – detail at the time, the belt on my britches had unfortunately perished completely in the noonday sun. I merely happened to be passing the public swimming baths at the time. This explanation was given to the satisfaction of all present at the Moganshan Summer Resort Association emergency committee meeting.

Scandalous insinuations that have since arisen recently regarding myself and our houseboy, Fu Lee, are quite despicable and should be ignored forthwith. Lee has been an upstanding domestic employee of the Fothergill family for six years and proved, moreover, an exceptionally keen student at the knee of Jesus Christ, our Lord Redeemer.

Finally, I wish to add that we have every intention of returning to China as soon as possible. We shall continue our Godly mission to civilize the yellow man in a matter of years,

Yours faithfully,

Reverend Peter Fothergill

 Catch breaking news in China. Follow @chinadailyshow on Twitter

So you’ve finally decided to break up with China. You’ll probably want to write a blog post or newspaper article about it, then.

Too busy packing? Here’s our handy delete-as-necessary CDS guide to posing that crucial ‘Dear Zhang’ piece!

Relax – I’ll be back soon! Not even sure why I’m writing this, in fact

“Hey. How you doing? Great, great.

Look… we need to talk. About us.

When we first met, it was great. You were a developing nation, on the cusp of greatness, full of opportunity, innocence and frankly batshit behavior. I was a 24-year-old college graduate who couldn’t get a job/ recently redundant 36-year-old staring bleakly into the future/ newly divorced sex-tourist only 52 years young.

And now? Now, you’re a bellicose superpower with a victimhood complex and a whole bunch of incipient, growing social problems. And me? I’m a 29-year-old college graduate who still can’t get a job/ China expert/ old guy with arthritis and no pension plan.

Hey, hey – don’t cry… come on. Let’s not make a scene.

Look, we’ve had some good times you and me, haven’t we? Remember when we spent six weeks in Hunan together, pretending to be the foreign CEO of an investment capital firm? Holy shit, I’ve only just realized that was criminal fraud!

Or what about that time you gave me a job as an actor in a prestigious TV series, playing Whitey – despite the fact I couldn’t emote my way out of a fortune cookie? Oh my God! What about when we spent a year teaching in Dongbei – what was it you said? “We have to leave town, now. Your friend has slept with a local gangster’s mistress and now he wants to cut off both your legs”?

Man, that shit was fucked-up. Hm, I wonder what did ever happen to Mike? I should really write to that crazy bastard sometime. I guess it was kind of douchey of me not to give him a heads-up before I fled Harbin.

Anyway, it’s not all been one-sided.

I’ve given a lot to you. I’ve tried, I really have. I’ve read all four of your Novels. I learned how to use chopsticks. I spent two months editing your mom’s crappy kindergarten website. I even wrote that personal statement that got you into Harvard Business School (and you sort of “screwed” me on that deal – or not, if you know what I mean).

And there are still so many things I love about you: the bountiful range of cuisines; the hospitality of your people; the southern landscape; the complete lack of qualifications needed to get a teaching job; those courtroom pictures of Gu Kailai in a fat suit. Good times.

But now it’s really time to move to Taiwan/ ask my parents if my bedroom is still available/ go back to Europe and set up a China consultancy firm/ call a probate lawyer.

Why?

I can’t really say for sure what the final straw was. Probably it was a combination of things. Maybe the pollution; the constant food scandals; the oppression of the Tibetan and Uighur minorities; the inexcusable decision to delay Dark Knight Rises in cinemas until August 27. I mean, seriously, what the fuck? I need to see that movie, now.

And look, this has nothing to do with the fact that the PSB tried to frame me as a drug dealer/ your father is a high-ranking PLA general who hate Americans/ my visa just ran out.

No. It’s just that now happens to be a very fashionable time to be leaving China. This isn’t personal. It’s not you. It’s me.

Well, mostly it’s you.”

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Dear Chinese Olympic silver medalist,

First of all, congratulations on your athletic achievements at this year’s Games. I’ve been stuck at Beijing airport for the last few weeks and not allowed to leave the country. Mr Bao, a former business associate in China, is suing the US company I used to work for, and I am being held responsible as the country’s ‘representative in Asia.’ I find myself in a complex legal limbo, in which I can neither negotiate any resolution on behalf of a corporation I no longer work for, nor seek legal permission to return home (as the judge in the civil case happens to be Mr Bao himself). Any inspiring thoughts to keep me strong?

Chinese Olympic silver medalist says:

Silver? FML…

So. It’s finally all over. My career as an Olympic athlete, I mean. It is finished. The last few moments are a blur; I only recall standing next to a Brazilian (I don’t remember who got bronze).  After that, I vaguely remember speaking to my mother. “We’re so proud of you, daughter” she sobbed. The implication was clear: you have disgraced our country, and are no child of mine.

When Dad came on the phone, his voice was shaky – but there was no mistaking the subliminal undertones. Dad, you never were much of a liar! I must ritually disembowel myself for the sake of the nation at the first possible moment.

Unfortunately, I have been under a kind of media ‘24-hour suicide watch’ ever since this shameful silver burden was heaped upon my shoulders. I have barely even had time to weep continuously.

Fortunately, on seeing this predicament, my beloved coach acted immediately. The troupe of professional mourners he hired now stands vigil outside my room constantly. Their wailing and rending of clothes are the first thing that greet my ears as I awake from recurring nightmares about being chased around a track by a pork chop full of clenbuterol.  Would I be happy if I had won gold? No. No, I don’t think I would.

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Last week: Ask a Japanese AV Star

Next week: Ask Alessandro

Need to talk to an Italian expert? Send your questions to cds@chinadailyshow.com and next week, Alessandro, a man, will  answer them

China’s Twatterati undoubtedly helped seal Chen Guangcheng’s fate this week. Here’s a round-up of some of the best ‘tweets’ that illuminated this daring story and saved so many lives.

Tweeping it real in China

USEmb8zzy: Chen Guangcheng is @chaoyanghospital. Safe & well. US-China trade talks begin tomorrow. Fingers crossed!
Romney4Prez: Obama administration gives shelter 2 outlaws and radical socialists @ChenGC in China!! Would NEVER happen under President Romney
Beijing_Daily: It’s looking like a lovely Blue Sky Day!
Sumyungguy: REALLY? Demand proof, otherwise US lies RT@USEmb8zzy Chen @chaoyanghospital. Safe, well. Trade talks to begin tomorrow!
ReporterTim: Am at @chaoyanghospital, getting antibiotics 4 chest infection. No sign of @ChenGC. Will investigate further
Sumyungguy: This is BULLSHIT! Conspiracy? MT@ReporterTom: Am at @chaoyanghospital, getting antibiotics 4 chest infection. No sign of @ChenGC.
Activ1stGrl: Just spoke to @ChenGC, sez not @chaoyanghospital, v :(, no US diplos, wz betra8yed by HClinton, sez hospital food suckz
USEmb8zzy: Looking forward to those trade talks
Sumyungguy: OMG!! Plz RT, RT @Activ1stGrl: Just spoke to @ChenGC, sez not @chaoyanghospital, v L, no US diplos, wz betra8yed by Hclinton, sez hospital food suckz
Beijing_Daily: Plans to reduce tariffs for HelloKitty pillows close to conclusion. Just need @AmbLocke to concede on colors
ReporterTim: Looking for @ChenGC at @chaoyanghospital, got lost in obstetrician ward for two hours, no signs anywhere. Nurses v unfriendly. Also, food suckz
Activ1stGrl: Foreign media lies! My friend jst spk to @ChenGC, sez @USEmb8zzy stole his sunglasses
Romney4Prez: Free sunglasses 4 all @Romney4Prez followers. Summer coming, gonna need sunglasses
Beijing_Daily: @USEmb8zzy must apologize for history, starting with Victorious War to Defend Our Korean Friends Against US Aggression (1950-1952)
Beijing_Daily: Acc 2 “foreign expert,” above war also known as “Korean War.” Apology still required.
Sumyungguy: EVERYBODY! @USEmb8zzy  has screwed @ChenGC, sez his food is bad, no reception on phone DO SOMETHING! Please RT!! RT!
ReporterTim: Finally found some cough syrup @chaoyanghospital. But no sign of @ChenGC
USEmb8zzy: Progress at talks, regarding UN security issues, Iran nuclear proliferation. Both sides v happy.
Romney4Prez: Obama has betrayed @ChenGC, Chinese blind lawyer with Real American Values. Day of Shame.
ReporterTim: Just had shit kicked out of me @chaoyanghospital 4 no reason. Luckily am at @chaoyanghospital
USEmb8zzy: WTF? RT @Activ1stGrl: My friend jst spk to @ChenGC, sez @USEmb8zzy stole his sunglasses
Beijing_Daily: The lonely clown busks at midnight, wiping away a hidden tear
USEmb8zzy: +1 RT @Beijing_Daily: The lonely clown busks at midnight, wiping away a hidden tear
Activ1stGrl: Just spk to @ChenGC, sez he made mistake, really loves @USEmb8zzy, nurse put his sunglasses in drawer! AW! My bad!
Sumyungguy: OMG, please RT, MT @Activ1stGrl: Just spk to @ChenGC, sez he loves @USEmb8zzy, nurse put sunglasses in drawer! AW! My bad!
ChenGC: In US! Can finally use Twitter. Hi, tweeps?
Romney4Prez: Obama administration has lost control of immigration, borders. Sad day for Real Americans RT @ChenGC: In US! Can finally use Twitter. Hi, tweeps?

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Dear Japanese AV Star,

Hey, wanna hear a secret? I never actually finished ‘Foucault’s Pendulum’!

Fragrant greetings! I am Da Peng Jr, son of successful fruit-produce seller Da Peng. A robust Chinese man who has followed your sustainable work through its many stages of scientific development, from Bangkok Booberella to Hot Sushi and Orgy Camera 6. But for me, underrated independent US production Fuck Me Hard 2: Fuck Me Harder is still “Oscar’s Choice.”

Of course, I have noticed the many secret and admiring messages you have delivered to me through medium of film.

Even when you are pretending to enjoy fruitful congress with multiple foreigners, you give look to camera and I see message. Having wondered often when you will decide to “take things further,” my heart jumps out of chest when I see you have accepted invitation to lecture on safe procreation at Central China Normal University – only 607.27 kilometers away!

This is surely a moment I wait for. I and my Long March Rocket DZ-5 are coming for you, my love, and only request one thing. Why do you not now proclaim your commitment for me in a more public manner, such as you professed the love to pizza takeaway boy and his three classmates, as they violated your sanctuary in lieu of payment for “large salami”?

Number Four Fan

A Japanese AV star says:

I’d like to respectfully refer further questions on the Nanjing Massacre to Takashi Yoshida’s well-balanced study of the conflicting narratives to this tragic event since 1937.

Dear Japanese AV Star,

After watching one of your movies, my boyfriend suggested we try anal sex. That was six weeks ago, and we’ve nothing done else since. In his words, ‘Once you’ve gone back… you never go back.’ Fine for him, but my bum feels like a 24-hour saloon; I can’t sit comfortably without a Hello Kitty cushion and a heavy sigh; and our recently reupholstered cream sofa is now heavily stained with santorum.

What’s a girl to do?

Numb in Ningbo

A Japanese AV star says:

So I’ve been keeping busy doing retakes for a reverse cowgirl DP bondage shoot currently in post-production in Tokyo. But next week, it’s off to the Native American Navajo Tapestry Rug-Weaving Expo in Window Rock, Arizona. As it’s the heart of the “Navajo Nation,” I’m quite nervous about showing off my attempts at the Two Grey Hills style (and the more ornate Teec Nos Pos) in public!

For group fucking, though, there’s no question: I prefer the Two Grey Hills rug every time, preferably with a bootleg of Louis Armstrong and Ella Fitzgerald’s sadly unreleased “Apollo Live Backstage”  playing alongside. The Two Grey Hills is much easier to clean, due to color and dye issues.

OK, gotta go: Haruki Murakami keeps bugging me for lunch. Wanting some feedback on a enigmatic Lolita-like character with troubling sexual and adolescent issues, I expect… maybe I should refer him to my classic academic entry, Suzi Bungholeeo Does the Cambridge Dons!

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