By PING’AN JIEDAO
Entertainment Correspondent

Lieutenant Dashan of the Foreign Expert Squad poses for action, as a territorial slap-fight ensues

SHANGHAI (China Daily Show) – The first season of CSI’s much-anticipated ‘Shanghai’ spin-off has been cancelled, after scriptwriters failed to take into account the East Coast city’s complete absence of crime.

Plotlines involving corruption, sexual harassment and high-end ergotou were shelved after quality-control cadres for the State Administration of Radio Film and Television (SARFT)  cited an “insufficient suspension of disbelief” for viewers.

The news comes as a blow to fans, who had been hoping for a forensic examination of the infamous metropolis’s seedy underbelly. 

Instead, producers were forced to admit that it doesn’t exist.

Initially, expectations for the China-based crime drama had been high.

A pilot – featuring an arrogant British businessman foolishly attempting to molest a female kung-fu student – won high praise from critics and viewers alike.

“This is essential viewing for young, unemployed men. The exciting plot confronts a serious and very important criminal trend in China today,” wrote the People’s Daily TV critic. “Foreign criminals.”

“I liked the bit where she kicks the foreigner hard in the groin and runs into the arms of a nearby CSI inspector for comfort,” said CSI fan Ma Jingguo, 17. “That was particularly satisfying and realistic.”

The detectives at CSI: Shanghai prepare to investigate a high-level wok theft

Yet SARFT officials later lambasted producers, after details of the second episode – in which a city official forces a subordinate to dine at a Japanese restaurant with him – were leaked on an online BBS forum.

According to an internal SARFT memo, “The opening scene depicts the cadre leaving his duties to answer a personal phone call. He is then shortly after seen at a lunch banquet, drinking a light alcoholic beverage and encouraging his companions to do likewise.

“To depict top leaders’ behavior in such an unrealistic manner is hurtful to the image of the Party and offends the feelings of the Chinese audience,” the memo concluded with quiet fury.

It is believed that angry censors did not even bother viewing the next scene, in which the same Shanghai official sodomizes an unconscious male prostitute, before choking on his own vomit. 

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By LONG TAO
Spring Festival Correspondent

Grandpa Jin appeals for witnesses, by displaying a copy of an equally cherished 2003 copy of CCTV Chunwan that he just found in his shed

ZHENGZHOU (China Daily Show) – The fireworks are still exploding over the village of Nanren, Henan but for one family, there will be no celebrations this year.

The Zhou household’s enjoyment of this most sacred of Chinese festivals has been destroyed, friends say – by an act of theft despicable even by Henan standards.

As their neighbors ready themselves for the traditional Lantern Festival, marking the official end to the Year of the Dragon, the Zhaos’ lives have come to a standstill, as the 12-strong clan contemplate the whereabouts of a much-treasured DVD.

The four-hour film, a recording of CCTV’s classic 2004 New Year’s Eve Gala, – known as ‘Chunwan’ – had apparently been left in its usual place: underneath a pile of other DVDs, at the back of a closet, in Auntie Wen’s old bedroom, when it was reported absent.

“Grandpa Jin immediately raised the alarm,” said Uncle Han. “But it was already too late. That disc was gone, baby, gone.”

Grandpa Jin (pictured, right and below) says the DVD is all but irreplaceable, and contains such vintage acts as Brother Balloon – a  clown with the magic ability to craft balloons into shapes vaguely resembling animals – and a 20-minute skit featuring a young, married couple.

Grandpa Jin trawls the web for extant copies of the critically acclaimed Gala

“This was a classic Chunwan, made in the days before gay jokes. The good old days,” Jin explained.

“We have appealed on the Internet for replacement copies but to no avail. Clearly, no one else is willing to part with their precious copy of Chunwan 2004.”

“Some netizens even mocked us,” Jin added. “They still have the gift of laughter – alas, we no longer do.“

Local police have appealed for witnesses, in an attempt to solve a mystery that has baffled the Zhao family for an entire day.

“Who would do such a thing?” wondered one neighbor. “Seriously – who? I’m genuinely curious.”

Others offered their own theories.

“It’s probably been cleared up, along with a bunch of other useless stuff we never use. and chucked out, then maybe picked up by a passing vagabond collecting trash, or something,” said the Jins’ 14-year-old daughter, Peng. “I really don’t think we should get the police involved. We should just move on and forget it. We should definitely not dust for fingerprints.”

But Grandpa Jin observed that there was no other explanation for the errant disc than a criminal act of theft.

“The cops should tear this town apart until they find the devil that did this,” vowed an emotional Lao Jin. “I, for one, will not rest until the culprit faces justice – or at least goes to court.”

Local police seem to be satisfied that foul play is not involved, however.

“The one thing we did before this case was even opened,” said one officer, “before we even got here, in fact, was rule out theft.”

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Police take a break from the hunt by helping out with a little girl’s homework

By TUO KOUXIU
Crime Correspondent

“We got anybody from Chongqing in the house? Nothing to do with me, I hope!”

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – An exasperated Bo Xilai yesterday issued an impatient ultimatum to Beijing officials: just put me on trial.

The disgraced politician made his remarks at a weekend show held by prisoners at the Beijing No 2 Detention Center (B2DC). “It was a bit like Johnny Cash’s famous Live at Folsom Prison,” an anonymous screw explained of the show. “Only without Johnny Cash – or any live recording.

“We kept the prison part, though. Which is arguably the most important bit,” he added.

“What’s the hold-up? You’re collecting evidence?” Bo quipped to an auditorium of sunflower seed-cracking B2DC detainees. “Let’s do this: put me on trial already.”

Bo also wondered if anyone could tell him who the new Politburo Standing Committee was – no one was permitted to – and whether General Secretary Xi Jinping had “lost his phone or something. It’s always turned off,” Bo said.

The disgraced Chongqing Party Secretary has become a popular figure on the B2DC social scene, often seen working the mailroom or exercise yard with his trademark populism and neo-Maoist charm.

“He’ll come over during the lunch hour and ask if you’re enjoying the abalone. It’s a joke, obviously… but he makes you feel, however briefly, like you’re the only corrupt official in the prison,” recalled one dreamy-eyed convict.

Comedy experts describe Bo’s stand-up routine as Victorian music hall meets end-of-the-pier variety act.

“Take my wife, for example – oh, the police already did that,” was a typical quip.

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By LUO GUAN
Corruption Correspondent

Du enjoys a rare moment of downtime after molesting a nine-year-old girl

GUIYANG (China Daily Show) – Surrounded by stacked bills amounting to several million dollars, corrupt Guizhou rail official Du Guan admits he’s no longer quite certain why he needs that much money.

“At the time, accumulating hundreds of millions in dirty money seemed like an important thing to do,” Du reflects, fingering a packet of rotting 100-yuan notes.

“But now I’ve got so much, it just seems kind-of obscene and pointless. I do sometimes wonder what the point of it all is,” he says, gesturing at a large pile of diamond-encrusted dog collars.

Over his years riding the greasy pole to become a senior official in the Ministry of Railways, 58-year-old Du has taken bribes, received sweeteners, skimmed commissions, pocketed finders’ fees, looted public funds and accepted lavish gifts totaling around $1.2 billion.

But as he negotiates his way around towers of shrink-wrapped iPads and steps over a crate of Omegas watches still in their original boxes, Du says the countless riches have brought him little in the way of personal enjoyment, professional satisfaction or long-term familial security.

“As the way of these things go, I will likely get caught in a few years’ time and my family will be stripped of all wealth, status, assets and holdings,” Du says. “It would be really great to look back from my cell at a life lived richly and to the full – but, sadly, that is in no way the case.”

Suffering from an array of health problems brought on by a working lifestyle that necessitates excessive smoking, drinking, cheating and lying, Du’s high blood-pressure, bronchial problems and heart condition mean he can no longer properly enjoy the few hours’ of tawdry extramarital sex that is his sole pleasure and birthright.

Instead, most nights, Du slips sadly home from another desultory banquet, counts up more dirty money in his garage and then endures a brief, terse exchange with his estranged wife before collapsing into the spare room.

Du confesses he has no hobbies or interests, cannot invest any ill-gotten gains legally in stocks or shares, and is limited in how he even flaunts his wealth by excessive public scrutiny.

He owns 235 empty apartments, some of which may already have been demolished; Du isn’t sure.

“Accumulating enormous stacks of cash has become an end in itself,” admits a tear-stricken Gu. “I stick it under my bed, bury it, hide it – almost anything, except do anything meaningful with it.”

China Daily Show often covers stories Western media ignores. Stay focused with @chinadailyshow on Twitter 

By JIHUA SHENGYU
Family Planning Correspondent

Yang looks forward to half a day’s maternity leave

ANKANG (China Daily Show) – A county official who forced a young woman to abort her seven-month-old child was today forced to finally give a fuck, after the rest of the country found out about it.

Fei Bi, a 48-year-old male official with thinning hair and incipient gout, ordered a team of five unnamed men to hold down Feng Jianmei and forcibly inject her with a poisonous serum, before sloping off home.

Fei’s dinner plans were spoiled, however, after a photograph of the mother, lying unconscious on a hospital bed next to her dead baby, were uploaded to the Internet – sparking widespread fury and an official investigation into the crime.

Yang was first detained by family planning officials two weeks ago and told to pay a 40,000-yuan ‘second child’ fine. Unable to afford the sum, the 23-year-old migrant worker was made to sign consent, while blindfolded, to the late-term abortion.

The news was created with disgust and rage nationwide.

Authorities have since scrambled to show the country that Yang’s case was an illegal aberration and not part of a widespread – and tacitly approved –central policy.

Family planning chief Fei Bi was reportedly surprised when officers arrived at his home and apologetically told him he was losing his gig.

Fei’s explanation – that he was only doing what he’d previously got away with doing on countless other occasions – was dismissed as “truthfully ineligible.”

Netizens yesterday denounced the incident as being merely the tip of the iceberg, as far as rural family-planning abuses are concerned.

But others pointed out that Shaanxi officials have answered a nagging philosophical conundrum, by finally put a definitive price on a human life – 40,000 yuan.

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By Fu Ren
Crime Correspondent

Officials warn that the Batsignal is a form of dangerous air pollution, punishable by death

CHONGQING (China Daily Show) – Following the removal of two of China’s leading crimefighters, an exasperated public has turned to Batman for help in the endless fight against corruption.

“Only a tortured playboy, whose parents were taken from him at a young age and who then swore to fight back against the very thing that stole them, can save us now,” said one exasperated Chongqing resident.

Last night, however, 24-year-old Bo Guagua was nowhere to be seen. Nor was there any sign of the Bo-mobile, a gleaming red Ferrari often seeing racing to the scene of an urgent date.

Bo’s faithful manservant, a paternalistic Englishman known only as Neil, has also not been sighted for many months, neighbours say.

“Guagua cannot be Bruce Wayne of China,” said a nearby resident. “Bruce Wayne was just a billionaire who lead a callow life of non-stop partying, a clever subterfuge for his secret existence. But he never received any scholarships.”

In China’s Gotham City, Chongqing, the mood is ugly.

Corruption is rife, with many top officials saying they won’t get out of bed for less than 10,000 yuan. A police crackdown in 2009 led to hundreds of arrests for graft; one former mayor is said to have  had 8,000 iPads buried under his garden pond.

“No one needs that many iPads,” observed a senior prosecutor.

But Bo Xilai and Wang Lijun, the gangbusting pair who both swore to break the city’s mafia stranglehold, have since vanished – believed snatched by arch-nemesis “the Party.”

Earlier this months, thousands of citizens took to the streets to demand Batman’s help. Many say that only an anonymous and unaccountable figure, such as Batman, would be suitable to enforce proper rule of law in China.

Batman's last appearance in China angered local goons

The country has not had a proper vigilante since the golden days of the Maoman, an obese hero said to have been “faster than a speeding rickshaw and able to swim the Yangtze River in a single stroke.”

Maoman’s urgent 1950s purges rid the streets of many citizens – some of whom might have been criminals at some point, experts say. Chongqing citizens say they need the Maoman or his ilk back.

“A tough-talking out-of-town cop, whose maverick style bent the wrong noses out of shape?” one taxi driver told our reporter. “I don’t know who this ‘Commissioner Jim Gordon’ you speak of is –but that sounds a lot like Wang Lijun.”

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By Xiao Niao
Rumors Correspondent

A new photograph of Neil Heywood has emerged that appears to show him reporting live from Chongqing

CHONGQING (China Daily Show) – Foreign media was last night scrambling to find a credible source for a series of sensational allegations made on Chinese websites that suggest Neil Heywood was actually killed by a foreign-intelligence dwarf.

The claims were made on Redrants.com, an offshore Maoist forum that has continually claimed deposed politician Bo Xilai was the victim of a frame-up by Chinese Communist Party (CCP) officials.

Citing sources deep within the circus community, Redrants says that British businessman Heywood was in fact killed by a “poison dwarf” hired by the CIA on the orders of UK Prime Minister David Cameron.

“The dwarf did the bidding on the word of the lizard Cameron, we are told,” said the explosive article, which has already received several ‘likes.’

“Afterwards, he ate all the evidence and crept back out. Then the evil mini-me planted hundreds of documents and billions of dollars into the house and bank accounts of Gu Kailai, while she peacefully slept, unaware of the Black Paw.”

Gu is Bo’s wife, who stands accused by the CCP of murdering Heywood over an “economic dispute.”

If true, the stunning accusations would explain  delays by the UK Foreign Office in requesting an official investigation into Heywood’s demise in Chongqing last November, as well as bolstering the claims of China’s beleaguered neo-Maoist faction. If false, it will be extremely disappointing.

“This information is stunning, an absolute game-changer,” said political media analyst Charles Ding. “All it lacks is any evidence.”

But one Chinese official was more than happy to go on the record as saying the claims were definitely false.

“This definitely contradicts the evidence that we’ve been making up,” said junior Chongqing Banyan Ministry cadre Ting Luo. “Please stick to our story.”

Whatever the case, the awesome new allegations will certainly provide fresh grist to the mill for hundreds of foreign journalists, many desperate to put food on the table by providing anxious desk editors with fresh Heywood bombshells.

“This should keep us going for weeks,” chuckled one British reporter. “It’ll probably cost Cameron the dwarf vote as well.”

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By NI YULAN
Legal Correspondent

Dissident orphan Yue, pictured here in happier times

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – The conviction yesterday of a 13-year-old girl for “state subversion” proves that the country is making judicial progress, state media announced today.

Yuan Yue was sentenced to two years’ jail and re-education, after speaking up for fellow abused children, protesting conditions in her orphanage and asking for more gruel.

Yue lost her parents at age four, in an accident involving a Ferrari that left her paralyzed below the waist and technically wheelchair-bound.

But her orphanage was unable to afford a wheelchair, meaning Yue was forced to use a trolley with one wheel missing. Since then, educators say, she has been “nothing but trouble.”

“Asking for more slop after having had a whole half-bowlful was the final straw,” ranted chief orphanage administrator Mr Bangbao. “Before that, Yuan had repeatedly cried in public, told doctors she was being mistreated and even criticized the leaders.”

Welcoming the decision to detain and prosecute Yuan, an editorial in state mouthpiece Xinhua – entitled ‘Public Proud to See Justice Served At Last’ – boasted that the trial conclusively proved that China was “a socialist country governed by law.”

“It doesn’t matter if you are a street vendor or a human-rights lawyer, no one is above having their legal rights,” crowed the anonymous writer. “The behavior of the ungrateful orphan was highly suspected, so police paid attention to the case, seeking truth from facts. This proved that China follows its own path and is governed by rule of law.”

Top Party intellectuals were quick to agree.

“This trial is indeed a show trial,” confirmed Cai Zhekaofu, a senior Professor of Spin at the CPC Party School and author of the popular What The Foreign Media Doesn’t Tell You children’s book series. “It shows the foreigner that the central government is fulfilling the role of smooth development of the country and resolute investigation and shows China will not be distracted and the public opinion fully supports everything in this matter.”

Public opinion could not be confirmed at the time of going to press, however, as the PLA had wiped the Internet again.

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Dear dissident who can’t get arrested,

I got worried when I saw these guys outside my building this morning. But it turns out one of my neighbours is a serial killer!

My beloved pet cat went missing while I was out walking it in the park last week. Afterwards, I spotted one of my neighbours wearing a bracelet exactly like the diamond-studded collar my little Fang Fang used to wear. When I queried it, however, she smiled and invited me to discuss the matter over a special hotpot. Should I go?

I Thought I Saw a Pussy Cat

Dissident who can’t get arrested says:

I recently went down to the Avenue of Eternal Peace with some monks, and released several hundred snakes and doves. I was even wearing a a T-shirt with the words ‘One-party rule is a disaster’ in prominent characters. In no time at all, several cops turned up and ask me where I bought the shirt. I told them it’s from a 1946 Communist Party newspaper! They all laughed and told me bring a dozen down to the station for their friends.

Dear dissident who can’t get arrested,

Could you help my friends and I settle a debate? I’m convinced Hong Kong is a Semi-Autonomous Zone but she is certain it is a Special Administrative Region. My other mate suggests that it doesn’t matter, that Hong Kong is an incontrovertible part of China and we should both just shut the fuck up. Who do you think is right?

No Access to Google

Dissident who can’t get arrested says:

Have you checked out my counterrevolutionary pornography? It is very yellow, very offensive. You can find it at [redacted]. Close blue pop-up windows and scrolling down halfway, look for the link called “Great Deep Forward.” Please ignore any red pop-up: that’s prostitute “spam” and nothing to do with me: it will mess up your hard drive and is, believe me, very difficult to get rid of.

OK, so I recommend the video with Chairman Mao in a donkey suit, reading (in truth, it’s not the real Mao. It’s an artist friend of mine, wearing a grey suit and fake mole: very convincing, though). Pay special attention to the book in his hand. That’s right: it’s the banned Ming Dynasty classic The Plum in the Golden Vase! Today, I see my local police station is following this on Weibo. I wait for the knock at my door. Instead, they re-tweet.

Dear dissident who can’t get arrested,

I recently pulled some strings to get an editorial piece published in a major US newspaper. It was extolling the virtues of working in China and I duly sucked on the panda’s teat till my lips cracked. A few months on, I now realize what an embarrassingly naive greenhorn I must have appeared writing it.  I’m now telling everyone that it was, in fact, intended as a satirical piece and the editors utterly missed the point. Do you think this will wash?

Jonathan Levine

Dissident who can’t get arrested says:

I’m not really sure this has anything to do with the real issue at hand. Namely, my efforts to raise awareness of the recent government white paper Social Taxes in Anhui Province. This is an issue that has been scandalously neglected in the West, You can read all about my efforts to resist the state’s plan to raise taxes on rural farmers by three percent in exchange for “social benefits” at my personal blog, sxuysncine.net. Click through the sidebar underneath the ad for kitchen knives. I have some devastating things to say about the local taxation bureau and, judging from my hit rates, it’s clear the powers that be are doing everything they can to prevent people from viewing this incendiary material.

Last week: Ask a police chief trying to defect
Next week: Ask a Japanese AV star

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By Liang Mianpai
Education Correspondent

Li narrowly beat Johann Hari to win the 2011 People's Daily Excellence in Journalism Award

HONG KONG (China Daily Show) – A Tsinghua University literary professor was detained at Hong Kong airport after being caught with a laptop containing “vast quantities” of lowbrow US sitcoms and straight-to-DVD releases, customs officials reported yesterday.

Professor Li Xiwang (pictured, right), known to his students as Lao Shulian – or ‘Ole Hamsterface’ – has long taken a hardline attitude in class towards “vulgar” foreign influences on Chinese culture and is widely known for his self-regarding pomposity.

But he was said to be carrying several terabytes of downmarket material, including a complete boxset of The Big Bang Theory – a poor quality American series  immensely popular in China – when he attempted to march through security Wednesday.

According to a police report, “the suspect began fidgeting and sweating when asked if he had anything to declare.” After his bags were searched, police found a laptop decorated with purple glitter and Transformers stickers.

Xiwang initially claimed the material belonged to a student but later admitted it was his after a raid at his home found ‘Sheldon’-style clothing, multiple seasons of Growing Pains, and DVDs including Sharktopus 3 and Hall Pass.

Hardened cops described the find as “deeply upsetting.”

A so-called expert on Confucian values and journalism ethics, Xiwang has carved a highly respectable name for himself in China as a two-faced shill for the government, preaching media openness and universal values to the West while serving as an obedient Party mouthpiece at home.

This discovery of further duplicity is certain to cement his reputation as one of China’s leading academics, experts say.

“In an atmosphere of rank hypocrisy, abuse of position, plagiarism and conflicts of interest, it is very hard to distinguish oneself in China’s faculties,” said Fang Lu, Professor of Studies at Shanghai Number Four Catering University. “Professor Li Xiwang is undoubtedly one of the few to rise above that fray… and still remain thoroughly tainted.”

But although China has begun concentrating some of its expanding geopolitical clout on homegrown satire, the incident also highlights the country’s growing problem with poor-quality imported comedy.  Experts say Xiwang’s collection represents the  “one of the biggest personal hauls of sub-prime sitcom in China” and some are now pressuring the government to do more to defend the borders against lousy Western exports.

In July, a gigantic cache of aging shows, including complete editions of Married with Children and Charles in Charge — thought to have been destroyed by authorities in the mid-1990s — was discovered in a convoy “heading for the provinces.”

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