By PING’AN JIEDAO
Entertainment Correspondent

Lieutenant Dashan of the Foreign Expert Squad poses for action, as a territorial slap-fight ensues

SHANGHAI (China Daily Show) – The first season of CSI’s much-anticipated ‘Shanghai’ spin-off has been cancelled, after scriptwriters failed to take into account the East Coast city’s complete absence of crime.

Plotlines involving corruption, sexual harassment and high-end ergotou were shelved after quality-control cadres for the State Administration of Radio Film and Television (SARFT)  cited an “insufficient suspension of disbelief” for viewers.

The news comes as a blow to fans, who had been hoping for a forensic examination of the infamous metropolis’s seedy underbelly. 

Instead, producers were forced to admit that it doesn’t exist.

Initially, expectations for the China-based crime drama had been high.

A pilot – featuring an arrogant British businessman foolishly attempting to molest a female kung-fu student – won high praise from critics and viewers alike.

“This is essential viewing for young, unemployed men. The exciting plot confronts a serious and very important criminal trend in China today,” wrote the People’s Daily TV critic. “Foreign criminals.”

“I liked the bit where she kicks the foreigner hard in the groin and runs into the arms of a nearby CSI inspector for comfort,” said CSI fan Ma Jingguo, 17. “That was particularly satisfying and realistic.”

The detectives at CSI: Shanghai prepare to investigate a high-level wok theft

Yet SARFT officials later lambasted producers, after details of the second episode – in which a city official forces a subordinate to dine at a Japanese restaurant with him – were leaked on an online BBS forum.

According to an internal SARFT memo, “The opening scene depicts the cadre leaving his duties to answer a personal phone call. He is then shortly after seen at a lunch banquet, drinking a light alcoholic beverage and encouraging his companions to do likewise.

“To depict top leaders’ behavior in such an unrealistic manner is hurtful to the image of the Party and offends the feelings of the Chinese audience,” the memo concluded with quiet fury.

It is believed that angry censors did not even bother viewing the next scene, in which the same Shanghai official sodomizes an unconscious male prostitute, before choking on his own vomit. 

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By TAI HAOTING
Business Correspondent

Kenny G (left) meets a fellow jazz fan in this undated photo

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Zhang Li can still remember the first time he heard a Kenny G record.

The 34-year-old was walking past an upmarket duck-neck boutique when he caught the opening strains of ‘Songbird,’ the classic third single from the 56-year-old’s American saxophonist’s breakthrough studio album, Duotones (1986).

“It was flat. Uninspiring, almost,” Zhang recalls. “I have been a lifelong fan ever since.”

Now, every time Zhang wants to catch some Kenny, all he has to do is slip on an overcoat and pop down to his nearest department store.

“It’s great. They play all the classics – all the time!” Zhang enthuses, his foot tapping to the sophisticated weavings of ‘By the Time This Night Is Over.’

 “They put the Greatest Hits on a loop, so you never get tired of listening.”

To some extent, the story of Kenny G’s success here mirrors the progress of Western rock n’ roll music in China.

Originally arriving in a wax-sealed container, illicitly floated across the Shenzhen River by Hong Kong human-right activists, the first dakou (‘saw cut’) CD of G Force, 1983’s astonishingly insipid second album, hit China in 1992.

It was swiftly bootlegged, spreading like wildfire around the hip industrial-punk neighbourhoods of Foshan, Guangdong province. Suddenly, Kenny G was big in China – a full decade after he first electrified Western youth.

The announcement, therefore, by Alan Clancy – Vice-President of Operations (Asia Pacific) at Time Warner – that sales, downloads and licensed usage of Kenny G’s popular alto-saxophone ballads have reached their strongest-ever throughout the first quarter of this year should come as no surprise.

While the star of the Seattle-bred saxophonist has somewhat dimmed in the US since the demise of smooth-jazz radio, in the East it burns as bright as ever. This is due, in no small part, to licensing agreements with several major Chinese supermarkets to play the exact same song, all day.

“Kenny’s dulcet tones have long serenaded Chinese listeners during their final moments of shopping, and can be expected to continue blandly ringing in their ears for many more decades of development,” Clancy stated during the call.

Listeners throughout China have grown so accustomed to the transcendently bittersweet stylings of ‘Going Home’ that most shoppers can expect to hear its languorous saxophone arpeggio roughly 4,876 times during their lifetime.

“It feels like every time I hear this song, I’m taken to a different place,” said Jinkelong regular Sun Demin. “One moment, I’m in a hand-made canoe, paddling slowly towards a log cabin on a frosty winter’s morn, there to spend the afternoon wistfully looking through old sepia photographs.

“The next, I’m hustling over to Kitchen Goods before they turn off the escalators. It’s a song to savor.”

Kenny G was recently inducted into Beijing’s ‘Great Hall of the Moderately Prosperous Western Musical Success,’ alongside all surviving members of The Carpenters and the cast of It’s a Chipmunks Christmas.

Asked to explain the abiding popularity of Kenny G in China, long-time fan Zhang observed: “I think people just basically like listening to the same song over and over again.”

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Red Rock: soft-rock hits in China

‘Take It Easy’: Sixty-two-year-old school caretaker Peng Damen, who tearfully describes himself as “a child of the Sixties,” says he loves the 1972 Eagles hit precisely because it doesn’t remind him of 1972. “At the same time that record peaked at Number 12 on the Billboard Hot 100, I was very much not taking it easy: doing back-breaking gardening at a collective in Yunnan, instead of finishing off my law degree at Peking University!” chuckles Peng of his hippie-farmer days in the Cultural Revolution. “Kicking back and listening to The Eagles, I can forget all about my formative years and just enjoy the moment, man.”

‘Yesterday Once More’: “The lyrics perfectly encapsulate everything that is truthful about the progress of a moderately prosperous developing society,” says shopper Sun Demin of the Carpenters’ classic. “La-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. You see?”

‘My heart will go on’:  One of the most popular Western pop hits of all time in China, Celine Dion’s theme song from Titanic endures just as much as the lyrics. “Whenever I hear this song, I too wish I was onboard a doomed ocean liner,” agrees IT worker Pi Zhang.

You can follow all our tweets and stuff on Twitter with @chinadailyshow

By DA FEIJI
Lifestyle Correspondent

A migrant archaeologist finds just what he was looking for on Monday

XIAN (China Daily Show) – Call it the ‘Fifth Invention.’ Brothels and erotic scrolls, belonging to a previously undocumented ruling dynasty, have now been sensationally unearthed in central China, experts say.

The new evidence suggests that the world’s oldest civilization may have also invented the world’s oldest profession – a claim that the ruling Communist Party has moved swiftly to refute.

“For a full list of our inventions, please see the document on Xinhua [news agency] entitled the ‘Four Inventions,’” a spokesman said yesterday.

But growing archaeological evidence suggests that Middle Kingdom madames were likely the first.

The long-forgotten Swing Dynasty (385-380 BC) was an epicurean court in a society primarily devoted to endless warfare, according to a team of day laborers working time-and-a-half in the city of Xian.

“The Swing didn’t see the point of constantly falling out with each other,” claims Professor Eimen Von Häffenmast, visiting Professor of Archaeology at the University of Guttenberg, who is closely monitoring the dig. “These johns preferred to make love – not war. Spears, for example, were considered objects of love, rather than conflict.

“Consequently, this highly creative community didn’t stand a chance.”

In the course of their short-lived but immensely popular reign, the Swing are said to have invented the terracotta dildo, proper erotica, the water-calligraphy bed and tabloid journalism – all over a five-year period, during which almost everyone got laid and no one died.

The Swing’s young and well-endowed ruler Long – who contemporaneous scrolls describe coyly as the ‘She’long Emperor’ – apparently established his kingdom half-way through the year 385BC, in the middle of a brief lacuna when marauding rival tribes had simply agreed to take a breather.

Emperor Long supposedly died happy, after choking on ground tiger-bones

Historians are unsure as to the exact origins of the dynasty, however.

The Swing are believed to have been descended from the Jin, who first quarreled with the Han, Zhao, and Wei dynasties but then made alliances to destroy the Zhi – a move later endorsed by the Zhou, but not before the Zhao attacked the Wei, after they had appealed to the Han for some help against the Chu.

In the resulting confusion, the Swing were able to quietly slip in and rule, legalizing polygamy and establishing a successful franchise of upmarket brothel-spas.

The brief interregnum was known colloquially as the ‘Whoring States Period.’

“China often reminds the world of its 5,000-year history and now we are starting to see the real fruits of that,” claims von Häffenmast. “We have also found evidence of a three millenia-old recipe for Kidney Surprise and definitive proof, finally, that syphilis originated somewhere in Henan.”

The She’long Emperor was regarded by his subjects as a laid-back, generous and giving ruler, and is depicted in recently unearthed statues as a long-haired dude, fond of making lewd hand-gestures.

But despite the brevity of its rule, one of the Swing’s major innovations – an equalized system of sexual barter, grounded in Legalism – would later took deep root in the national psyche.

Indeed, von Häffenmast claims, the legacy of the She’long’s rule lives on today – in China’s many neon-lit urban barbershops, attended by smiling peasant girls.

Working tributes to Emperor Long’s flowing locks and fondness for paid sex,  von Häffenmast assures, “can continue to be found in every city, down countless darkened alleyways – which are still also very good places to get some.”

Be sure to follow exclusive China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

Report tips and STD results by contacting cds@chinadailyshow.com

By LONG TAO
Spring Festival Correspondent

Grandpa Jin appeals for witnesses, by displaying a copy of an equally cherished 2003 copy of CCTV Chunwan that he just found in his shed

ZHENGZHOU (China Daily Show) – The fireworks are still exploding over the village of Nanren, Henan but for one family, there will be no celebrations this year.

The Zhou household’s enjoyment of this most sacred of Chinese festivals has been destroyed, friends say – by an act of theft despicable even by Henan standards.

As their neighbors ready themselves for the traditional Lantern Festival, marking the official end to the Year of the Dragon, the Zhaos’ lives have come to a standstill, as the 12-strong clan contemplate the whereabouts of a much-treasured DVD.

The four-hour film, a recording of CCTV’s classic 2004 New Year’s Eve Gala, – known as ‘Chunwan’ – had apparently been left in its usual place: underneath a pile of other DVDs, at the back of a closet, in Auntie Wen’s old bedroom, when it was reported absent.

“Grandpa Jin immediately raised the alarm,” said Uncle Han. “But it was already too late. That disc was gone, baby, gone.”

Grandpa Jin (pictured, right and below) says the DVD is all but irreplaceable, and contains such vintage acts as Brother Balloon – a  clown with the magic ability to craft balloons into shapes vaguely resembling animals – and a 20-minute skit featuring a young, married couple.

Grandpa Jin trawls the web for extant copies of the critically acclaimed Gala

“This was a classic Chunwan, made in the days before gay jokes. The good old days,” Jin explained.

“We have appealed on the Internet for replacement copies but to no avail. Clearly, no one else is willing to part with their precious copy of Chunwan 2004.”

“Some netizens even mocked us,” Jin added. “They still have the gift of laughter – alas, we no longer do.“

Local police have appealed for witnesses, in an attempt to solve a mystery that has baffled the Zhao family for an entire day.

“Who would do such a thing?” wondered one neighbor. “Seriously – who? I’m genuinely curious.”

Others offered their own theories.

“It’s probably been cleared up, along with a bunch of other useless stuff we never use. and chucked out, then maybe picked up by a passing vagabond collecting trash, or something,” said the Jins’ 14-year-old daughter, Peng. “I really don’t think we should get the police involved. We should just move on and forget it. We should definitely not dust for fingerprints.”

But Grandpa Jin observed that there was no other explanation for the errant disc than a criminal act of theft.

“The cops should tear this town apart until they find the devil that did this,” vowed an emotional Lao Jin. “I, for one, will not rest until the culprit faces justice – or at least goes to court.”

Local police seem to be satisfied that foul play is not involved, however.

“The one thing we did before this case was even opened,” said one officer, “before we even got here, in fact, was rule out theft.”

Follow the hunt on Twitter with @chinadailyshow or send tips to cds@chinadailyshow.com

Police take a break from the hunt by helping out with a little girl’s homework

By WEI SHENG
Sanitation Correspondent

The film features heroic elements of resistance against the Japanese aggressors, and scenes of a Wuxia nature

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – “Maddening structural problems” in the original cut of foreign sci-fi movie Cloud Atlas have now been thoroughly nixed, representatives for China’s State Administration for Radio, Film and Television (SARFT) announced yesterday.

The Chinese edition, released Thursday and retitled Clod Atlas, boasts over 45 fewer minutes of running time, SARFT explained.

“Basically, what we did,” spokesman Li Hexie told a press conference Thursday, “was take out the beginning and put it at the end, then removed the end and put it in the middle. As for the middle, that was the easy part – we did not need it at all!”

Cloud Atlas (2012), directed by the Wachowski siblings and Tim Twyker, tells multiple overlapping stories over multiple time periods involving multiple characters, and performed by multiple actors in multiple roles of varying genders and ethnicity.

Clod Atlas (2013), on the other hand, is the moving story of a doomed Cosplay troupe.

“Our film is far more tragic,” promised Li, who is also Clod Atlas’s new co-director, executive producer and principal screenwriter.

Both China’s two voiceover artists, Ting Hao and Hao Ting, dubbed new dialogue for all the characters, including a new scene written by Hao, involving a pair of hapless, travelling, rival salesmen with the exact same name.

“I liked it better because it confused me,” said Wendy Hong, a Chinese screenwriter who has seen both the Western and Chinese versions. “The film’s theme, “Our lives are not our own,’ intrigued me when it was no more than a hazy, optimistic notion. But in the Chinese version, it actually leaves you depressed and pessimistic.”

Li denied that cuts to several scenes, involving nudity and homosexuality, indicated prudishness and homophobia on the part of SARFT.

“It’s simply a question of feasibility,” Hao said. “It’s important to make films that are believable. The transmigration of souls is an ancient Chinese tradition but dudes kissing other dudes? That’s simply unrealistic.”

Indeed, Hao says, proof of the new version’s superior quality can be seen in the critical reaction.

While Cloud Atlas was widely panned by critics and snubbed by the Oscars, Clod Atlas has already been nominated for 16 Golden Cocks.

Film buffs can follow the blossoming Chinese movie scene by following @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By CHU CHOU
Media Correspondent

Jackie Chan considers not saying something, then decides to go ahead anyway

HONG KONG (China Daily Show) – An impassioned promise to his wife that he will “just keep [my] fucking mouth shut for the next five minutes, OK?” was broken by Hollywood actor Jackie Chan, mere moments after leaving his lips.

The promise was made following a series of much-publicized interview gaffes, including a recent chat on Qiang Qiang, a Hong Kong talk show, in which the subject of Chan’s notorious nationalism came up.

The once-loved chop-sockey star then proceeded to embarrass himself with a series of eye-wincing statements, including his observation that “America has the most corruption in the world!”

Following the interviews, and a slew of off-air domestic diatribes about everything from the state of Hong Kong cinema to his children’s Western influences, Chan’s wife issued the profanity-strewn ultimatum.

However, as he was watching an interview between Oprah Winfrey and disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong just 45 seconds later, Chan leapt from his La-Z-Boy and hurled Cantonese insults at the screen, imploring long-suffering spouse Joan Lin to “Look, see, how corrupt US is in the sports… and then the Olympics in China…”

Reports indicated that Chan’s spluttered diatribe came to a faltering halt almost as soon as he made eye contact with Lin.

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By WATT EVA
Hipster Correspondent

‘I remember when this place was just me, and a few Red Guards.’

GULOU (China Daily Show) – A nine-year veteran of Beijing’s famous hutong district, Gulou, has vowed never to leave the area again, after a shocking experience outside the Second Ring Road last weekend.

Jake Trenton (pictured, right)  – who prefers to be known as Gao Fuhao – agreed to meet some former university friends touring China last Saturday evening, after Trenton had finished his regular kite-making workshop.

The 29-year-old has spent much of the last decade living in a converted Qing courtyard house while practicing tai chi, an experience funded partly by Trenton’s calligraphy sales and mostly by his wealthy Manhattanite parents.

“My buddies called and said they were in Sanlitun and had just bought a round of drinks,” Trenton told China Daily Show. “It was too late to warn them – I had to simply go.”

Sanlitun, an embassy district in north Beijing, is renowned for its excellent shopping, restaurants and bar scene. But it is also, according to Trenton and others, “the gateway to Hell itself” and “full of asshole foreigners.”

Nevertheless, Trenton obligingly rode his refurbished fixed-gear bicycle across town, arguing that the worst than could realistically go wrong was being jostled by a gaggle of 14-year-old drinkers, or possibly pestered by a beggar.

“Leaving my authentic, historically intact neighbourhood, with its colourful array of genuine Beijing folk and extremely real smell of shit is so hard to do. Almost impossible – I mean, why would you?” Trenton angrily mused. “But, if it was for a pair of really great university friends who’d traveled 3,000 miles just to see me, I was prepared to go and have a brew – a local microbrew, I mean.”

Trenton refused to be drawn on the details of what happened – other than divulging that the area was “absolutely full” of Americans and Europeans – but the experience has left him shaken and disillusioned.

Now the much-loved foreigner is telling friends he is also dismayed by what has become of his beloved Gulou neighbourhood in recent years.

‘If they could just get rid of the electricity, this place would be really authentic’

Witnesses report that on several drunken occasions, Trenton has threatened to throw in the towel and move to Tongzhou, a bleak suburb that he claimed was one of the last remaining resources of ‘Real China’ in Beijing.

As for what he believes qualifies as decent Chinese nightlife, Trenton was giving little away yesterday.

“I go to authentic little niche joints, many of which don’t have ‘names’ or specific ‘addresses.’ But I refuse to tell you which ones, in case someone reads this article and decides to come down and ruin it,” Trenton said, his voice shaking with emotion.

“The last place I fell in love with got profiled by some foreign journalist and within a week, they’d fired the bossa nova DJ – a guy I happen to know and enormously respect – and replaced him with an Akon CD. I can’t let that happen again.”

Follow the latest China stories at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

Profile of a hipster: Tate Wallace, 27

City: Beijing

‘The Amnesiacs won a Grammy? What the fuck? They’re ruined’

Favorite band: A tiny drum ’n’ bass prog-rock collective called The Amnesiacs. You’ve definitely never heard them.

Hates: Tourists who don’t speak Chinese.

Loves: Wealthy Chinese in need of consultancy; The Amnesiacs. I also love myself.

TV: Huh. I stopped watching TV after Cop Rock got cancelled.

Books: Mostly Chinese classics: The Tao. The Kama Sutra. And I should mention my own memoir, wryly titled Hutonghua: The Life and Language of Real China (available exclusively via my website).

Follow the latest China stuff at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

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By BAIBAI LINGLINGQI
Entertainment Correspondent

As this picture illustrates, James Bond is actually a pretty dull guy who hangs out with cars all day

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – China’s vast array of Party-watchers breathed a collective sigh of relief yesterday, after hearing that the latest Bond film, Skyfall – originally scheduled for release Friday – has been indefinitely postponed.

As the country gears up for the excitement of the 18^th National Party Congress (NPC), starting November 8, few want any other entertainments to distract them from the political hooplah.

“Thank God. I was concerned that the 23rd Bond film, starring Daniel Craig and Javier Barden as villain ‘Silva,’ might possibly overshadow the charisma spectacle that is the 18^th NPC,” said Professor Cao Lu, head of Political Re-Education at the Ningbo Regular University of Angling.

“Fortunately, that’s not going to be the case. They just canceled Skyfall instead.”

Admitting that the intriguing predominance of the ‘M’ character, played by Dame Judi Dench, as well as the casting of such veteran British screen luminaries as Ralph Fiennes and Albert Finney, present an enticing cinematic proposition – even for those not normally interested in the classic spy series – history graduate Liu Feng, 22, says she’s delighted she won’t have the difficult choice of deciding whether to follow every move of the new Congress or catch the latest Bond movie instead.

“Now my November and December can be 100 percent, non-stop NPC. After all, it’s all anyone in China, or anywhere else for that matter, can think about,” Liu shrilled, adding that the slew of extra security measures in Beijing provided an added bonus. “These hundreds of minor inconveniences remind us all how about how much we really give a heck!”

While the majority of China’s 1.4 billion cinema-goers agreed the film’s postponement was a good thing, some felt that it had not gone far enough.

“I hope they block the Internet, too,” enthused 19-year-old online gaming addict and NPC junkie Zhao Rong. “Oh, they already have.”

Propaganda official Cao Peng Wang says the cancellation of Skyfall has galvanized Chinese movie audiences, most of whom were glumly anticipating 10 days of political Viagra.

“There is time and place for critically acclaimed Western blockbuster,” Peng Wang warned. “And it certainly not China in November stability period.”

Chinese academics also pointed out the pointlessness of a fresh instalment of the long-running action movie franchise.

“Do we really need another Bond movie to enjoy the spectacle of a megalomaniacal foreign villain bent on world domination?” Professor Cao pointed out. “No. I didn’t think so.”

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By TIANTIAN XIANGSHENG
Education Correspondent

Xiao is very sorry for her behaviour and hopes Ethan can somehow forgive her

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – An English student has spoken of her regret, after drunkenly sabotaging a burgeoning language partnership with an American filmmaker by sleeping with him.

Xiao Lingling, who likes to be called  “Josephine” or “Happy,” placed an advert with an English-language website seeking a native speaker for “language partners, so we can learn each other.”

The ad explained she was “funny, liked family, am easygoing and pretty.”

Within minutes, former Michigan resident Ethan Morgan replied offering assistance. The two met at a downtown coffee shop and quickly hit it off.

“Ethan hadn’t brought any of the study guides we talked about on the email and his Chinese was very poor at the time, but we still managed to learn things from each other,” Xiao recalled. “I taught him to count to five in Chinese, and he showed me how to make the coffee ‘Irish.’”

Unfortunately, Xiao – who also goes by the name of “Sally” or “Dreamcatcher” –  felt dizzy soon afterwards and had to be taken home. It was here, she admitted, that the meeting went awry and the pair ended up in bed together.

“I woke up much later, and Ethan had left a very kind note, saying how much he enjoyed our talk, but that he felt uncomfortable continuing our exchange under the circumstances,” said a tearful Xiao.

“I totally ruined our language partners!”

Morgan didn’t respond to emails but China Daily Show managed to catch up with him by replying to another advert he’d recently placed, seeking “a Chinese friend to swap culture, stories and language. Women only.”

Morgan agreed to discuss the aborted relationship after a few drinks.

“I met Jennifer at Starbucks, where she immediately asked me to call her ‘Fluffy.’ We had a couple of drinks, flirted and went back to hers. That was it, really,” shrugged Morgan, a former student who recently began working on an independent documentary project, which is as yet untitled.

Meanwhile, Xiao says she is determined not to let the matter affect her further education.

“I’m putting this mistake behind me,” she said. “I have already met a very nice English man on the subway, called Bernard. He is eager to meet us at a place called the Vic’s Club, next Friday at midnight.”

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By HUO SHUI
Food and Drink Correspondent

Baijiu was originally developed as a chemical weapon during the Warring States period (403 – 221 BC)

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – As its annual exports reach a dizzying one hundred liters, it seems that China’s favorite drink is fast becoming the world’s number-one tipple of last resort.

Baijiu, a ‘white spirit’ made from sorghum, is beginning to appear on dinner tables across the globe, leaving perplexed hosts wondering what to with the lavishly packaged bottle that their Chinese guest has just presented them.

One solution might be stick it next to the carton of luxury cigarettes and forget about it – but that’s something baijiu expert Chen Baishi urges newcomers not to do.

Chen, who hopes one day to see his favourite drink sitting alongside the likes of cognac and aged single-malt scotch in the homes of the moneyed elite, has been drinking baijiu since he was six years old.

Speaking from the overnight holding cell of his township police station in Liangdan, Gansu province, Chen offers his theory about why baijiu is still largely misunderstood in the West.

“Foreigners continue to have problems with baijiu. But really, it’s like China itself: once you’ve gotten past the initially grim first impressions and bizarre taste, after a few years you start to get used to it – and even enjoy it. Plus, it’s as cheap as life here.”

Chen has a number of tips to enhance the taste and appreciation of baijiu that foreigners might wish to pay attention to.

“First, get properly shitfaced. To best enjoy this unique liquor, one really needs to be absolutely knee-walking drunk,” Chen says.

“Also – use a glass,” Chen advises. “I’ve drunk it from a sea shell, the palm of my hands and even a discarded shoe before – but a glass is probably the most convenient method. That said, you could just drink it straight from the bottle, which is arguably even more convenient. But, if there is one available, most people do seem to prefer a glass.”

While temperature can affect the molecularity, consistency and taste of drinks such as red wine and whisky, Chen is dismissive of such concerns when it comes to baijiu.

“However hot or cold the room is – that’s the temperature you should drink it at. A good baijiu is like a martini: anytime, anyplace, anyhow. I’m even drinking it right now,” Chen admits with a flush of pride.

But baijiu has already managed to creep its way into some Westerners’ lives, with the drink recently topping a poll compiled by foreigners living in China of their most unwanted gifts  – narrowly beating off a calligraphy set and a jar of preserved duck necks.

But Chen would like to see its influence extend outside of China’s borders. For this, he admits quality is a concern.

“But the great thing about baijiu is, it doesn’t matter if it costs 3,000 kuai or 3 kuai, it always tastes exactly the same,” Chen chuckles, adding that his personal favorite is Red Star baijiu, which retails at around four yuan for a small bottle.

“It’s got a kick like an un-neutered mule and a diesel-like aftertaste that lingers in the mouth, nose and throat long after you’ve finished throwing up.”

And as more people look to China with renewed interest in its culture and history, baijiu is finding its way into the most unlikely of places.

British painter-decorator Paul Hammond says that he and his workmates started using baijiu after being introduced to it by an illiterate cockle-picker at his local pub in Southampton.

“You need to wear the right protective equipment because of the fumes,” Hammond recommends. “But it gets rid of even the most stubborn stains like nothing I’ve ever seen before.”

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