OX Congratulations! You will join the illustrious ranks of Mao Zedong and Friedrich Nietzsche next week, when you contract syphilis.
TIGER You know what happened to the old lady in Apartment 1739, don’t you, Tiger? And her poor little kitty-cat.
RABBIT I could tell you to avoid air travel this month but you’ll have little choice: the authorities are going to deport you as a Rightist.
DRAGON Now is really a good time to squirrel away those hard-earned billions in an offshore account. Actually, that was last month. Sorry.
SNAKE You remember the good old days, when being purged meant lying on your back with a pretty nurse and an enema? Well, the enema hasn’t changed but that’s no nurse…
HORSE Have you checked on the prisoner recently? You haven’t heard from him in a while.
SHEEP You know what, Sheep? Just fucking go for it. Nobody cares. Everyone hopes you die in the attempt.
MONKEY Keep your friends close, they say. If only those friends weren’t the nuclear-armed, volatile North Korean government.
ROOSTER You will meet a tall, dark stranger. Unfortunately, he’s a Uighur and you’re the Chinese douchebag who insulted his sister.
DOG Time to hide the porn stash and be nice to the wait staff: Hillary Clinton just walked in.
PIG Your Great Wall T-shirt business hits a snag when you accidentally print your address, bank details and list of sexual fantasies onto your spring/summer line.
Madame Jiang has been the China Daily Show astrologer since time immoral. She casts her runes according to ancient lore, as Madame regrets she cannot currently influence government policy on superstition, false advice or imprisonment without trial.
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