RAT When you said you wanted to visit Beidahe this spring, Rat, you meant on holiday.

OX Congratulations! You will join the illustrious ranks of Mao Zedong and Friedrich Nietzsche next week, when you contract syphilis.

TIGER You know what happened to the old lady in Apartment 1739, don’t you, Tiger? And her poor little kitty-cat.

RABBIT I could tell you to avoid air travel this month but you’ll have little choice: the authorities are going to deport you as a Rightist.

DRAGON Now is really a good time to squirrel away those hard-earned billions in an offshore account. Actually, that was last month. Sorry.

SNAKE You remember the good old days, when being purged meant lying on your back with a pretty nurse and an enema? Well, the enema hasn’t changed but that’s no nurse…

HORSE Have you checked on the prisoner recently? You haven’t heard from him in a while.

SHEEP You know what, Sheep? Just fucking go for it. Nobody cares. Everyone hopes you die in the attempt.

MONKEY Keep your friends close, they say. If only those friends weren’t the nuclear-armed, volatile North Korean government.

ROOSTER You will meet a tall, dark stranger. Unfortunately, he’s a Uighur and you’re the Chinese douchebag who insulted his sister.

DOG Time to hide the porn stash and be nice to the wait staff: Hillary Clinton just walked in.

PIG Your Great Wall T-shirt business hits a snag when you accidentally print your address, bank details and list of sexual fantasies onto your spring/summer line.

Madame Jiang has been the China Daily Show astrologer since time immoral. She casts her runes according to ancient lore, as Madame regrets she cannot currently influence government policy on superstition, false advice or imprisonment without trial.

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RAT Sadly, being a Water Bearer doesn’t protect you from cholera during a hike through Tibet.

OX You say that forwarding coup rumours seemed like a “good idea at the time” – well, now you have nothing but time!

TIGER Now is not a good day to buy a Ferrari, let alone drive one at 145mph with the top down and the Best of Simply Red cranked up to 11.

 RABBIT Opportunity knocks this week but, unfortunately, you had  hotpot last night and there’s no way you’re answering the door.

DRAGON A friend will finally open your eyes to new things in The Den bar – but only to check if your pupils are dilated.

SNAKE Your lucky colour is red this month, but the electric bike that runs you over will be green, with a yellow stripe.

HORSE There’s nothing like a passionate and fulfilling relationship – and that’s just what the two Taiwanese students in the bedroom opposite are having in their window seat on Tuesday nights.

SHEEP To err is human, to forgive divine (make sure to remind your girlfriend of this when you give her scabies).

MONKEY You see a lot of Edison Chen in yourself when that final sex tape surfaces on Monday.

ROOSTER Your lack of inquiry into your date’s past history means this charming evening out is careering towards incest.

DOG There’s no substitute for hard work, apart from being a Sichuanese drug baron. Luckily, this is the assignment the agency gives you.

PIG All signs point to another shitty week, which shouldn’t surprise you in the slightest, Bo Xilai.

Madame Jiang has been the China Daily Show astrologer since time immoral. She practices her art sporadically, as she cannot currently influence local government policy on superstition, selling false advice or imprisonment without trial.

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ARIES (3/21-4/19) Failure to keep your New Year’s Resolutions is a fault we can all empathize with. But it’s harder to accept in your case, as you are Ban Ki-moon.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20) While you may believe that “whatever doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger,” a third massive stroke in six months calls for a re-think. Or would, if you were able to control the left side of your brain.

GEMINI (5/21-6/20) There’s nothing wrong per se with dabbling in a little light lesbianism but it helps if you’re not a man, Gemini.

CANCER (6/21-7/22) Venus is in your rising House and Neptune has crossed the Third Meridian, but you’ll be too busy being caught up trying to seduce your ayi to give a shit.

LEO (7/23-8/22) The lion is powerful, assertive and regal. Ironic, really, since you’re a jumped-up, weedy little weasel of a junior official with no sense of humour.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22) Exploring new territories proves a blunder when your previously unknown, utopian ethnic minority emerges into a Chinese lumberyard and is mown down by a wayward bulldozer.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22) It’s been ten years since everyone mocked your prediction of the coming collapse of the US but try not to be too smug: nobody likes a smartypants.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21) A new liaison will develop an intriguing twist when your homosexual lover turns out to be not only engaged, but also heir to the Mongolian throne!

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21) You decide it’s time for a change of tack. Unfortunately, this will put you directly in the path of an oncoming Japanese fishing boat.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19) A chance encounter will lead you down an unknown path, bundle you into an unmarked car and dismember you in an anonymous fu lu fifteen hours later.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/10) Aquarians are always considered tolerant, progressive individuals. Which is why you’re the first to be shocked by your increasingly violent hutong cat-killing habit.

PISCES (2/19-3/20) Try to remember what happened last year when you set off a box of Tibetan firecrackers in Tiananmen to celebrate National Day.

Madame Jiang has been the China Daily Show astrologer since time immoral. She practices her art sporadically as she cannot currently influence local government policy on superstition, selling false advice or imprisonment without trial.

Follow this and other leading China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

ARIES (3/21-4/19) Next time you encourage your children to pursue careers in law and accounting, mention that you’d rather they not consider employment with Teng Biao, Gao Zhisheng or Ai Weiwei.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20) Tread carefully up those six flights of stairs at work this month: the property mangers haven’t made the building quite as quake-proof as they promised in the brochure.

GEMINI (5/21-6/20) Your fantasy of hot sex with identical Swedish twins will come partially true this month after accepting a spiked drink from two new friends in Wudaokou: Lars and Sven.

CANCER (6/21-7/22) As you wonder about the progress of your visa application, new Exit-Entry Bureau regulations will counteract any astrological phenomena that might have favored you.

LEO (7/23-8/22) “The quality of mercy is not strained.” But try quoting Shakespeare to the security guards who stop you at Carrefour with two stray bottles of erguotou padding your bra.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22) A commitment to improving your Chinese language skills unfortunately brings some of that anti-government rhetoric of yours to the attention of local police.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22)  The ominous passing of Saturn through the house of Libra with the promise of healthy, resilient children will become abruptly irrelevant when your genitals get smashed under the center wheel of a rogue rickshaw.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21) Go on, form that progressive folk duo you’ve been talking about. But don’t please talk about it, bombard us with Facebook invites to your hutong gigs or post that demo song to your MySpace profile.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21) Your Gandhi-esque commitment to non-violence is admirable and probably explains your own failure to commit suicide, despite working at Foxconn.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19) Don’t worry about feeling unattractive and worthless. Your state lottery win on Monday will solve the latter, and your plastic surgery the following Friday the former!

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/10) There’s too much water in your house this month… because you live in Miyagi Prefecture.

PISCES (2/19-3/20) You finally realize that being rich isn’t all that glorious. It’s time to try Confucianism.

Madame Jiang has been the China Daily Show astrologer since time immoral. She practices her art sporadically as she cannot currently influence local government policy on superstition, selling false advice or imprisonment without trial.

Follow this and other breaking China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

ARIES (3/21-4/19) The woman who works in the cubicle opposite knows it was you that ate her dumplings.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20) You discover your father is Li Gang. Go backward one place, then forward three.

GEMINI (5/21-6/20) Good news and bad news this month. Scientists announce a breakthrough recovery to the previously untreatable terminal disease you’ve battled for the last four years – just as you enter its terminal stages.

CANCER (6/21-7/22) It’s your birthday and a close relative buys you an expensive electronic gift that will require the further purchase of a long-term contract, batteries, warranty and insurance just to make it operable.

LEO (7/23-8/22) An early-morning decision to hang a Tibetan national flag from your Shanghai apartment window leaves everyone unamused but yourself. And even you find the joke starting to pall after being detained and question for 72 hours.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22) The stars are smiling upon you. On your way to a deeply unwanted Qingming  banquet with your wife’s extended Sichuan family, you slip on some ice and crack your spine in four vertebrae, landing yourself in hospital for the next three months. No more family banquets for lucky old you!

LIBRA (9/23-10/22) Growing amusement at the embarrassment caused to your colleagues by the ongoing WikiLeaks saga comes to an abrupt end when you come across a diplomatic cable sent in 1994, that reveals in intimate detail your Berlin encounter with a dwarf.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21) It’s the Year of the Rabbit, which makes sense to you, as you’re very much the bunny-boiler type.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21) Ah, Sagittarius, you wily old dog, so often used to getting away with scrapes and avoiding the responsibilities for your actions! But then this is the first time you’ve bothered to pick up your blood-test results, isn’t it?

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19) You thought it was funny when Japan got hit by an earthquake but where are your beloved mutterings about karma now you’ve spent your entire savings on worthless salt?

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/10) You’ve often said that everything happens for a reason. Which is why you’re increasingly at a loss to explain the discovery of your beloved grandfather in flagrante delicto with a water buffalo.

PISCES (2/19-3/20) Following a shocking series of sexual molestations in your housing compound, the stars suggest you keep a low-profile to avoid detection.

Madame Jiang has been the China Daily Show astrologer since time immoral. She casts her runes according to ancient lore, as Madame regrets she cannot currently influence government policy on superstition, false advice or imprisonment without trial.

Got a question for Madame Jiang? Contact us at cds@chinadailyshow.com

Follow this and other leading China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

ARIES (3/21-4/19) A tall dark stranger will penetrate your intimate circle this week, but you’ll have imbibed too many sedatives to make a positive ID.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20) A new hobby will lead to a chance meeting, then a scheduled meeting and later uncomfortable sex on your parents’ bed.

GEMINI (5/21-6/20) You may think of yourself as open-minded, but what your brother-in-law suggests to you during a drinking session this month will test your personal boundaries to the limit.

CANCER (6/21-7/22) If you’re planning a long journey this week, avoid the Second Ring Road altogether unless you drive a tank.

LEO (7/23-8/22) A colleague’s loss is your gain this week, when you bed his ex-wife.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22) Great riches lie in store, so long as you can find a way past security and stuff three thousand dollars worth of electrical goods into some oversized sweatpants without triggering an alarm.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22) The scales finally tip in your favor this week, meaning you can finally tell that personal trainer where he can shove his Swiss ball.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21) You will develop a startling new way of thinking but your bone-idle nature means you’ll fail to patent it and instead find it quoted back at you by some smirking TV pundit a few weeks later.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21) Your decision to encourage a leap of faith distracts you from adequately securing the Pope’s bungee cord.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19) Fools rush in where angels fear to tread, as the saying goes, and you’ll be living proof of that when you’re first through the door of a Justin Bieber concert.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/10) The issue of whether or not to invest in a smoke alarm for your home will become redundant at around 4am tomorrow morning.

PISCES (2/19-3/20) Your suspicions about your chosen career path will be thrown into sharp focus by a series of crippling UN resolutions against Somalian pirates.

ARIES (3/21-4/19) You are the pioneer type and think most people are beneath you. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20) You are practical, persistent and have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamn Communist.

GEMINI (5/21-6/20) You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

CANCER (6/21-7/22) You are sympathetic and understanding to other peoples problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit. Almost everyone in prison is a Cancer.

LEO (7/23-8/22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving motherfuckers, and spend most of their time kissing mirrors. M0st Leos are bullies.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional, and often fall asleep during sex. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If your male, you are probably gay.  Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are sluts. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21) The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a complete son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered and rightfully so.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. Nixon was a Sagittarius. You are not worth the time of day.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/10) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

PISCES (2/19-3/20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI, CIA or PSB. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting what little power you have. You lack confidence and are generally a dipshit.