China: Stop screwing up our ‘internal affairs’ with your ‘internal affairs’


By Art Vandelay

BEIJING — In the midst of trying to assure a billion angry Chinese people that French people deserve to live, the Chinese government back-slided today by issuing a warning to Paris that the city’s recent honorary citizenship award to the Dalai Lama has “really fucked things up this time.”

Chinese hold signs outside the French embassy, warning Frenchies to shut up

“This act grossly interferes in China’s internal affairs,” said Foreign Ministry spokesperson Jiang Yue in a press release, “and severely infringes on the feelings of the Chinese people in general, and my feelings in particular, you little shits.”

The Paris city council voted Monday to award honorary citizenship to Hollywood star, His Holiness the Dalai Lama, who Beijing opposes as a radical Buddhist hell-bent on halting Chinese peace and happiness.

Paris Mayor Bertrand Delanoe laughed bitterly and called the award “our own little internal affair,” adding “boycott this, bitches.”

“The Paris city council’s award,” said Ms. Jiang, “will be taken as severe provocation to 1.3 billion Chinese people, including Tibetans.”

Three million Tibetans could not be reached for comment.