China to launch newer, faster fast-track legal system


Crime Correspondent

A recent mass-trial pilot scheme in Jilin Province for capital crimes was deemed a "huge success" by ammunition industry insiders.

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Chinese leaders are expected to announce a new, more efficient “fast-track” legal system to begin running next year, leading to concerns among right-wing US critics that the superpower is “falling behind” in its record of miscarriages of justice.

The new system will dispense with vestiges of bureaucratic incompetence thought to be hampering the current system, such as physical evidence and independence of judiciary, officials said.

The announcement comes after the recent trial of Wu Yuren, a Beijing artist accused of dissident activity and assaulting police. According to court officials, Wu’s trial dragged on for nearly seven minutes. The unprecedented length is said to have embarrassed senior politicians.

Wu’s lawyers attempted to postpone swift justice by pointing out that the court could provide no actual evidence of the alleged assault, which is said to have taken place within a well-guarded police station, under constant CCTV surveillance. Prosecutors are now demanding Wu also pays the officers’ hospital fees — which amount to nearly six yuan —  as punitive compensation for the hold-up.

“Such an impudent delay in proceedings will be unimaginable within the excellent new system,” noted Professor Ma Yaochang, a Renmin University legal expert and CPC member who recently returned from a seven-month fact-finding trip to the Bahamas, sponsored by the Ministry of Justice. “In the words of a famous Western writer guy, brevity is the soul of justice.”

“Within the next five years, we expect to have a high-speed legal network linking Tibet to Heilongjiang, Beijing to Shanghai, Guangzhou to  Kunming within a few hours,” said a Ministry of Justice spokesman. “It will be the fastest justice system in the world and all done with Chinese technology. You’ll be able to commit a minor misdemeanor offence on Tuesday in Urumqi and be remanded in custody, tried and punished by indefinite detention by lunch-time Wednesday in Anhui.”

The high-speed justice record was previously held by Burma, whose trial of Aung San Suu Kyi was so brief that it never actually physically took place. According to Guinness Book of Records officials who stripped them of the title in 2010, the lack of any actual legal proceedings disqualified Burma. Burmese leaders have vowed to do better next year, with a new automated courthouse being tested on monks. Currently, Zimbabwe now holds the title, after using a method first patented by the Romans in Gaul.

Meanwhile, Chinese officials, their family members, and serving army officers will be offered a 75% discount on the “Gold Club” legal  service as part of the new scheme. Gold Club members will be excused from up to four felonies a year and entitled to carry a platinum-embossed card they can show to officers at crime scenes

“We got the idea from a pair of legal experts called the Parker Brothers,” said a senior ministry official. “It should put an end to any more embarrassing ‘Li Gang’-style incidents.”

Conservative critics in America voiced concern that the US is now falling dangerously behind China in its fast-track justice infrastructure.

“We were once among the foremost [countries] in terms of innovation and technology. But while we sluggishly debate overhauling our state courthouses, and spend weeks on Supreme Court nominations, China is racing ahead,” warned Irkle Dangerfield, a pastor and radio shock-jock host who is one of the American Right’s most thoughtful spokesmen. “We need to create jobs for Americans, not force them to do jury service to serve some secret Islamic-socialist agenda.”

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  • MacRuss

    “The new system will dispense with vestiges of bureaucratic incompetence thought to be hampering the current system, such as physical evidence and independence of judiciary”

    WHAT? physical evidence and an independent judiciary will no longer be required? how does this increase justice and equality?

  • KaiEr

    And they can still keep their 99% conviction rate!