Chinese farmer shoots world’s last surviving unicorn

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By JONAS WHALE
Environment Correspondent

Han has promised not to eat the next unicorn he sees

ANHUI (China Daily Show) – A farmer has upset local officials and environmentalists, after treating the first-ever confirmed sighting of a unicorn as time for lunch.

The legendary creature, which is believed to be North Korean in origin, strayed onto Han’s farm in early November and the savvy farmer immediately spotted an opportunity for a fast yuan.

His attempts to remove the creature’s treasured horn and sell it to a local witch doctor went awry, however, when the unicorn kicked him in a treasured place. Thinking on his feet, Han shot the beast but by then, word had spread to local officials.

When a team of cadres arrived to seize his land and belongings, though, they found Han with a full stomach – and no unicorn. Now environmentalists and naturalists are up in arms about the loss of the extinct creature.

“The mythological mammal could have been the potential golden mine our former cancer village had long been looking for,” said tourist chief Li Ding. “Curse Farmer Han!”

Meanwhile, Han is baffled by the fuss and says that strange creatures wander onto his farm the whole time.

“We had the snake with a rooster’s comb come over, but it was frightening the pigs. It was quite stringy, as I recall,” he recalled. “I also saw the donkey-headed wolf last year, which is an auspicious sign. We celebrated the omen by consuming it.

“But my wife was very worried when the children came home one day with an all-yellow tiger, normally a symbol of prosperity – but not in the Year of the Rabbit!” Han told media. “Unfortunately, it got away and killed Daughter Number Four, but its teeth would have been perfect for a masculine tonic.”

The existence of unicorns has long been the subject of debate in China. The seventh century poet Qu Yang wrote of the “feeling a man has when he gets on the horse/ it bears a strong horn” but scholars still argue over the exact meaning of Qu’s words.

There were also frequent rural reports of strange animal sightings in China during the 1950s, but historians point out that the existence of any edible creature back then was cause for conversation.

In 1976, a so-called unicorn was spotted in Shennongjia shortly before the death of Mao Zedong; the creature was described as covered in gray, red or black hair and “mouth-watering.”

The Chinese Academy of Serious Science sent a six-man team of paleoanthropologists to investigate the rumors but they returned with nothing but village gossip and a recipe for deep-spiced horse testicles.

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