Communist Party asks everyone to just shut the fuck up for a moment so it can think


Rumors Correspondent

The editorial marked a sharp departure from the newspaper's usual rolling coverage of events in 1949

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Following its eighteenth futile call for unity this week, the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) today issued an appeal asking everyone to just stop talking shit for a minute or two.

“Unite under firm support in the Central Committee,” read the front-page editorial in the state-run gossip magazine People’s Daily. “Be more vigilant against the cancerous tumours of false rumors. Look, just shut the fuck up just for a second. Jesus.”

The article continued in a calmer vein for several sentences, making vague analogies to a Ming Dynasty blabbermouth who had his tongue cut out, before lapsing into a coarse diatribe against the “foreign filth” of the Internet.

“Seek guidance from the directives of the Party elders under the benevolence of our leaders,” it urged in the third paragraph. “Stop constantly using the ‘online web’ to keep making things so difficult for us. It’s a Western influence, actually. You have Xinhua, why do you even need Weibo? It’s giving us all a headache.”

The CCP has struggled to keep a lid on online rumours and Internet speculation following the removal of Chongqing Party Secretary Bo Xilai in March. Speculation has run rife on subjects as diverse as military coups and CCP disunity to Bo’s wealth, his wife Gu Kilai, alleged murder plots and bizarre sex parties.

The editorial suggested that while “freedom of speech is available to everyone in China under the constitution,” the legal system did not extend to the “spread of malignant false rumors” before issuing a series of thinly veiled threats, noting that “we know where you live, how much you earn, how often you sleep with your wife. So don’t fuck with us.”

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  • No. 1 Fan

    China Daily Show, I think I love you. And this may be my favourite article from you yet.

    • Derek

      Lucky you, China Daily Show. Unless you’re a woman. Or a man. No. 1 fans tend to be a bit of both

    • Chinadollmeet

      This never happens to me…

    • Thanks! 

  • Mitchell Bros

    China Daily Show cooking on gas lately…

  • Guys, shut the fuck up for a moment so we can hear more about the bizarre sex parties.