Court: Bo Xilai’s wife admits guilt, penis

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By XIAO DIDI
Politics Correspondent

Lady Gugu: Beijing has released the first photographic evidence of Gu’s package (Image: LOLA)

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – The endgame in the Bo Xilai case may have finally been reached, after full blame was attached by a Hefei court to Bo’s wife, Gu Kailai– now revealed to have a secret attachment of her own.

A well-connected source – said to be Gu’s balls – admitted that Gu’s malevolent meatstick was directly connected to British businessman Neil Heywood’s death.

Sweating closely from beneath what is believed to be a full-sized she-dick, Madam Gu’s testicles told judges that their owner was definitely a “malignant bitch” – or words, our legal source said, that were essentially similar to almost being the same.

The closed-door trial comes at a tense time for the Chinese government, as the government prepares for a disputed once-a decade leadership transition, while attempting to depict disgraced former Party Secretary Bo’s wife as a homicidal Lady Macbeth figure.

Now, sources say, confirmation that Gu is a transgender bitch-on-wheels could at last draw a veil over the long-running theory that she is simply a convenient scapegoat, albeit one highly corrupt and fairly typical of certain female characters in Chinese literature and history.

“Short of claiming she is the living reincarnation of the evil Empress-Dowager Cixi, we’re done with Gu Kailai,” an exhausted prosecutor told China Daily Show.

“Thank God this is almost over,” said one foreign journalist. “I really couldn’t take much more of this ridiculous story.”

Phallic facts about the hot-air balloon-traveling Gu are already piling up online to confirm the speculations.

“Gu definitely has a monstrous junk,” one shocked eyewitness told the Internet. “She would sometimes give it its own military uniform, so it could strut around like a Generalissimo.”

Some wonder why this information has only just emerged.

“No one noticed this before but after about two months into the investigation, someone did notice it,” the prosecutor explained. “We always knew Gu Kulai wanted to be with a Politburo member – but not like this.”

Both these people have penises  –but only one is evil

The revelation of Gu’s wicked Johnson has revolted even hardened pricks in the Chinese government.

But, analysts say, the existence of Gu’s veiny masculine appendage could help provide a neat conclusion to the current political crisis.

“This sort of thing doesn’t happen very often, except in Germany, obviously,” said a source close to the investigation. “However, it does mean now we can pin this entire situation on one witch-like woman and her wily wang.”

The source added that the case was not political but that Gu had nevertheless presented a credible threat to China’s political stability.

“The last thing an aging bunch of male rulers need is the appearance of a stiff  but feminine symbol of Chinese power,” he explained. “After all, they have Xi Jinping.”

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