Dashan not that clever: Mistress

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By SUN WUKONG
Entertainment Correspondent

BEIJING (China Daily Show) — A woman claiming to be one of Dashan’s mistresses has revealed that, contrary to popular Chinese feelings, Dashan “isn’t really that clever.”

In her soon-to-be-published memoir, Wei Tingting, 56, from Heilongjiang, reports that Dashan is unable to perform such basic tasks as, “taking taxi, extending visa, and washing feet before go to sleep.”

According to sources, Dashan, also known as Mark Roswell, met Ms. Wei in a bathroom stall at White Rabbit in 2007, where they promptly “shared a bump and got busy with the rooster.”

Authorities at the PSB confirm that Dashan was recently denied an F visa extension, adding that “he is notorious for failing to register the resident slippery.”

In an interview with China Daily Show, the cute female laowai from Dashan’s unpopular Chinese learning television program revealed that Dashan has, “for as long as I’ve been there, employed a language double for all of his Chinese dialog.”

The news comes as a shock to 1.3 billion subscribers of Dashan’s weekly newsletter, “Clever Like Me.”

Comments online from fans range from supportive (“hang on there big brather” -shally87) to macabre (“rape his ancestors mercifully [sic] to the last generation!” -henfenqing).

Twittering witnesses tagged Dashan at the airport purchasing a ticket for Pyongyang, where the media icon has reportedly been offered a 30-picture deal with Dear Leader Productions worth well over $380 Candian dollars.

Calls placed to Dashan’s agent were not immediately returned.

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