President Xi Jinping just completed his weeklong tour of the United States. Here are exclusive excerpts from the portly autocrat’s diary
Morning – Even a journey of a thousand miles must unfortunately begin with Air China. Although our flagship carrier lacks the modern conveniences of Aeroflot (the only ‘entertainment’ was Transformers 3, which I’ve already seen twice), the captain let me sit in the cockpit and pretend to fly, which was pleasing. At lunch, various mid-level toadies ask if I have any stock tips. I mumble some guff about a crane flying through mist in spring, and everyone nods sagely
Afternoon – There are non-black-haired-yellow-skinned (foreign) people everywhere in America. How do the police spot all the spies and rightists? At the Boeing factory, chat about commitments to fight cybercrime, commercial theft, whatever, while stuffing several blueprints into the back of my trousers on the way out. Pretty sure one of the Boeing executives actually sees me do it, but still says nothing. Then I make a remark about Kobe Bryant and the whole room starts laughing. It’s like being back in China (apart from the air, which is painfully smooth)
Evening – Dinner is a typical menu of pan-seared lettuce leaf, honey-glazed crickets and raw birds’ eggs with Henry Kissinger. Over tepid water, Kissinger reminisces about his favorite terrarium and suggests he should be honored as among the first Chinese revolutionaries. Indeed, in my country, we would probably have slung the old fuck in jail and let him die in his own shit. Here, despite drooling all over his shirt, Kissinger is a well-paid war criminal. Where’s the justice?
Morning – At breakfast, I briskly instruct my team to take the usual overseas speech, remove any references to Russians/ French/ Germans and what-have-you, and replace them with American writers and thinkers. Chinese expect their leaders to be intellectuals, as well as soldiers, swimmers and bastards.
Afternoon – My speech praising De Tocqueville, Whitman, Twain and Easton Ellis wows the “free press.” I start to explain that Chinese politics is nothing like House of Cards (far too tame; it’s more Game of Thrones) and instead get a big laugh. Who says Americans don’t get irony – or that I’m not funny? Ha, ha – No one says this. (Serious now.) When it’s time to lay it down to the big US tech firms, Atari, Compaq, AOL Search, 4Chan, Lyft and Friendster quickly agree to all my demands. They even offer to hand over their source code, all just for a share of the Chinese market! I feel indomitable.
Afterward, I meet Mark, a sickly teen from Facebook whose dying wish is to shake hands with me. I do my best to smile as Zuckerberg babbles on like a schoolgirl, saying he’s read my book (I haven’t read my book). Back in my hotel room, I fantasize about my enemies’ bodies bobbing down the river, while enjoying a compote of dehydrated carcinogenic ramen, infused with thermos-boiled water. At last, some proper Chinese food
Morning – My CIA handler from back in Iowa almost blows my cover, by pretending to be room service. I remind him that our extensive bodyguard detail is not just there to protect, but also keep an eye on me. It’s China, I patiently explain: we’re all living in a security state. I agree to stick to the plan: I’ll continue to behave like a dick for at least two more years to ensure deep cover. Then I’ll confuse the crap out of everyone by announcing a Concert for Peace on the Diaoyu Islands, and inviting Ozzy
Afternoon – Everywhere I go, there are pliant crowds jostling to cheer me. “We love you, Pope Francis,” they all cry for some reason. This must be an “American” thing. In China, you see, people have a legal right to gather and demonstrate but choose never to exercise it; it’s just not in our culture to form large crowds. While I appreciate this one’s bovine enthusiasm, it would be respectful if they at least chanted my name right. Surely it’s “More Xi,” not “Modi, Modi”?
Evening – Time for a much-ballyhooed “working dinner” at the White House with President Obama: the table is silent but for the sound of mulching, chewing, scribbling and typing, as we all finally get on with some work. I tweet a ‘selfie’ of me with my wife Peng and it’s immediately deleted (China: you have to laugh sometimes. I just choose not to.) Barack and me open a bottle of Bud Light Lime and the room starts spinning…
Morning – A 21-gun salute is no fun when your skull feel like there’s a Boxer revolutionary living in it. How many Bud Light Limes did I drink last night? One? Two?! Sleep was not a gentle mistress, dear diary. I dreamt that there were millions of Taiwanese crying out to me, “Please, master, bring us crony capitalism with authoritarian overtones!” But all I can do was whisper back, “I’m forcibly trying.” But when I turned around, all I found was Mark Zuckerberg spooning me. I awoke with a jolt and a dry mouth, to find Mark Zuckerberg spooning me
Afternoon – Today’s all meals (my favorite part of the day): Breakfast in bed, lunch with Barack and his simple brother Joe, canapés at Congress, a light snack in the limo over, supper at the White House, midnight feast in the limo home, then room service at the hotel with Peng. Luckily, I’m starving!
To New York, which is America’s Shanghai, a city that never sleeps until I order a curfew
Morning – I’m hosting a major meeting on gender equality for UN Women. In China, the needs of our wives and mothers will be properly addressed in 2084, after the first Moon Lazer development stage is over. There has been some controversy from feminists but the fact is, I’m into gender equality and believe both sexes should lack rights equally
Afternoon – No one is in attendance at the UN and the speech goes well. God bless America, where I can stand up and brazenly say whatever I like about women’s rights, and no one will call me out. Just as long as I’m never in the same room as any Republicans, journalists, the Indian Prime Minister, the Pope, Hillary Clinton or anyone who’s not an American tech CEO, I can pretty much say whatever I want. That’s the power of free speech – which is why I’ve banned it