BEIJING (China Daily Show) – The Earth today pleaded for China not to be considered the global leader on climate change, warning it was actually an environmental clusterfuck. “Look,” the Earth said. “There are other dictatorships with far more attractive records on pollution, like Zimbabwe, Cuba and North Korea.” The planet made its dramatic pleas as the US stands accused of abandoning its climate-change leadership by leaving the Paris Agreement. Many now look to China, the world’s largest emitter of carbon dioxide, to fill the role as Earth’s sole savior. Arguing it was probably the last country on its surface to be considered a safe pair of hands, Earth pointed to China’s dense smog, toxic soil, tainted rivers and permanently ravaged landscapes. “Are you kidding me? The place is an environmental shitshow,” the planet added. In related news, a leading New York Times columnist believes that China is poised to replace the US as global leader on human rights by 2018.