Everyone at Ecuadorian Embassy now thoroughly sick of Julian Assange


Politics Correspondent


Assange, pictured here asking for non-dairy milk at the embassy canteen

LONDON (China Daily Show) – Citing his persistent refusal to wash, long straggly hair and frequent complaints about the standard of Wi-Fi, staff at London’s Ecuador Embassy have admitted they have finally had about enough of eccentric WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange.

Assange has lived at the embassy since seeking asylum with officials in June 2012. The British government, meanwhile, seeks his arrest on Swedish sexual assault charges that he claims are false, at a security cost to British taxpayers of nearly $9 million.

“At first, we were worried when the British initially threatened to enter our embassy and violate all diplomatic protocol by seizing Assange,” one senior staffer at the embassy disclosed. “But then those Brits devised something far worse: letting us keep the fucker.”

Today, 42-year-old Assange spends much of his self-imposed incarceration tweeting S.P.E.C.T.R.E.-style threats from his Wikileaks account, putting the finishing touches to a hagiographic cartoon series about himself to be released on Vimeo, and e-mailing tech festivals offering live, daily, paid Assange webcam appearances.

After completing these tasks, the wanted hacker typically enjoys a lunch of soup, followed by couscous with tuna salad, mixed with the saliva of kitchen staff and various members of the embassy’s secretarial pool.

Assange has previously described the embassy staff as being “like family” to him. “And, like family, we hate him,” the staffer confirmed.

“We’ve offered to turn over Assange and all his secrets to the Chinese,” she added. “But they don’t want him. They’ve got Snowden, and they read the New York Times.”

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