Hagel ‘kinda concerned’ about China’s moon-based death ray


Defense Correspondent

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – US Secretary of Defense Chuck Hagel has expressed “concern” after viewing a potent new ‘death ray’ at a PLA naval base, insiders say.

A sketch of the death ray, as made by a worried Hagel

A sketch of the death ray, as made by a worried Hagel

Hagel’s three-day visit to China is his first since he became defense chief last year.

At a state banquet held at General Ma Xiaotian’s underwater base in the Sea of Japan, Hagel was reportedly served cloned dodo, then treated to a fully-interactive fiber-optic 4D film – powered by cold fusion – demonstrating China’s peaceful and gradual military rise.

China’s technology has developed far in excess of predictions made by either the CIA, FOX News or science-fiction writers of the 1950s, experts claim.

Vehicles in the virtual tour included an 800-meter ‘East Is Red’-class attack submarine and a division of titanium-shelled hover-tanks, according to an intelligence source speaking under condition of anonymity.

But Hagel’s main concern was said to an imminent Chinese moon base, dubbed ‘Rising Over Wheat Field, Swallowing Rooster, Phase II.’ The base includes as part of its “non-aggressive defensive capability” what China is dubbing a ‘Harmony Ray.’

“It’s a fricking death ray,” said the intelligence source.

The Harmony Ray – which resembles an elongated mushroom and is made from pure silver-alloy the length of a football pitch – is capable of deploying a net of steel-cutting lasers as a protective shell around the lunar base, according to the PLA’s website.

Hagel’s state visit has been described as “epic” by domestic media.

He became the first foreigner to tour China’s new carrier, the Liaoning, where he praised China’s military development, while urging against any aggressive build-up that might destabilize the Pacific region.

“Such as a death ray,” Hagel added.

Chinese military heads have, in turn, assured Hagel of their peaceful intentions and transparency, promising to “keep the US up to date” with their armed forces’ development. “We’ll let you know,” a smiling  Defense Minister Chang Wanquan told Hagel.

A “visibly shaken” Hagel was then led to his hotel room to await a return flight to the US. His on-board entertainment will include a 30-minute holographic fireworks display, followed by re-mastered screening of The Empire Strikes Back.

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  • George Washington

    A death ray to protect the Chinese Moon Base. I gather Chinese Govt is now ready to try deficit spending on useless, losing wars and other stupid projects.