ARIES (3/21-4/19) A tall dark stranger will penetrate your intimate circle this week, but you’ll have imbibed too many sedatives to make a positive ID.
TAURUS (4/20-5/20) A new hobby will lead to a chance meeting, then a scheduled meeting and later uncomfortable sex on your parents’ bed.
GEMINI (5/21-6/20) You may think of yourself as open-minded, but what your brother-in-law suggests to you during a drinking session this month will test your personal boundaries to the limit.
CANCER (6/21-7/22) If you’re planning a long journey this week, avoid the Second Ring Road altogether unless you drive a tank.
LEO (7/23-8/22) A colleague’s loss is your gain this week, when you bed his ex-wife.
VIRGO (8/23-9/22) Great riches lie in store, so long as you can find a way past security and stuff three thousand dollars worth of electrical goods into some oversized sweatpants without triggering an alarm.
LIBRA (9/23-10/22) The scales finally tip in your favor this week, meaning you can finally tell that personal trainer where he can shove his Swiss ball.
SCORPIO (10/23-11/21) You will develop a startling new way of thinking but your bone-idle nature means you’ll fail to patent it and instead find it quoted back at you by some smirking TV pundit a few weeks later.
SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21) Your decision to encourage a leap of faith distracts you from adequately securing the Pope’s bungee cord.
CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19) Fools rush in where angels fear to tread, as the saying goes, and you’ll be living proof of that when you’re first through the door of a Justin Bieber concert.
AQUARIUS (1/20-2/10) The issue of whether or not to invest in a smoke alarm for your home will become redundant at around 4am tomorrow morning.
PISCES (2/19-3/20) Your suspicions about your chosen career path will be thrown into sharp focus by a series of crippling UN resolutions against Somalian pirates.