Horoscope: April 2012

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RAT Sadly, being a Water Bearer doesn’t protect you from cholera during a hike through Tibet.

OX You say that forwarding coup rumours seemed like a “good idea at the time” – well, now you have nothing but time!

TIGER Now is not a good day to buy a Ferrari, let alone drive one at 145mph with the top down and the Best of Simply Red cranked up to 11.

 RABBIT Opportunity knocks this week but, unfortunately, you had  hotpot last night and there’s no way you’re answering the door.

DRAGON A friend will finally open your eyes to new things in The Den bar – but only to check if your pupils are dilated.

SNAKE Your lucky colour is red this month, but the electric bike that runs you over will be green, with a yellow stripe.

HORSE There’s nothing like a passionate and fulfilling relationship – and that’s just what the two Taiwanese students in the bedroom opposite are having in their window seat on Tuesday nights.

SHEEP To err is human, to forgive divine (make sure to remind your girlfriend of this when you give her scabies).

MONKEY You see a lot of Edison Chen in yourself when that final sex tape surfaces on Monday.

ROOSTER Your lack of inquiry into your date’s past history means this charming evening out is careering towards incest.

DOG There’s no substitute for hard work, apart from being a Sichuanese drug baron. Luckily, this is the assignment the agency gives you.

PIG All signs point to another shitty week, which shouldn’t surprise you in the slightest, Bo Xilai.

Madame Jiang has been the China Daily Show astrologer since time immoral. She practices her art sporadically, as she cannot currently influence local government policy on superstition, selling false advice or imprisonment without trial.

Stay in touch with China at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

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