Horoscope: September 2011

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ARIES (3/21-4/19) Failure to keep your New Year’s Resolutions is a fault we can all empathize with. But it’s harder to accept in your case, as you are Ban Ki-moon.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20) While you may believe that “whatever doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger,” a third massive stroke in six months calls for a re-think. Or would, if you were able to control the left side of your brain.

GEMINI (5/21-6/20) There’s nothing wrong per se with dabbling in a little light lesbianism but it helps if you’re not a man, Gemini.

CANCER (6/21-7/22) Venus is in your rising House and Neptune has crossed the Third Meridian, but you’ll be too busy being caught up trying to seduce your ayi to give a shit.

LEO (7/23-8/22) The lion is powerful, assertive and regal. Ironic, really, since you’re a jumped-up, weedy little weasel of a junior official with no sense of humour.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22) Exploring new territories proves a blunder when your previously unknown, utopian ethnic minority emerges into a Chinese lumberyard and is mown down by a wayward bulldozer.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22) It’s been ten years since everyone mocked your prediction of the coming collapse of the US but try not to be too smug: nobody likes a smartypants.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21) A new liaison will develop an intriguing twist when your homosexual lover turns out to be not only engaged, but also heir to the Mongolian throne!

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21) You decide it’s time for a change of tack. Unfortunately, this will put you directly in the path of an oncoming Japanese fishing boat.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19) A chance encounter will lead you down an unknown path, bundle you into an unmarked car and dismember you in an anonymous fu lu fifteen hours later.

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/10) Aquarians are always considered tolerant, progressive individuals. Which is why you’re the first to be shocked by your increasingly violent hutong cat-killing habit.

PISCES (2/19-3/20) Try to remember what happened last year when you set off a box of Tibetan firecrackers in Tiananmen to celebrate National Day.

 

Madame Jiang has been the China Daily Show astrologer since time immoral. She practices her art sporadically as she cannot currently influence local government policy on superstition, selling false advice or imprisonment without trial.

 

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