By JONAS WHALE
LOS ANGELES (China Daily Show) – Lindsay Lohan’s cellmate has revealed that America’s least favorite actress and noted cocaine lover is considering teaching English in China as part of a “personal journey of self-discovery.”
An anonymous prison guard from the minimum-security Brentwood facility confirmed yesterday that a screened telephone call was placed by Babs ‘the Beast’ Bellavaqua, 43, of Compton, Los Angeles, to her lawyer, in which the Mean Girls actress’s intentions were revealed.
“’I want to get as far away from drugs as possible,’ that’s what she said,” Bellavaqua told her attorney in a tape heard by China Daily Show, yesterday. “Lindsay feels unwanted, unloved and unable to get a job in her own country.”
Experts agree that a working visit to China seems the obvious solution.
Phone calls placed by China Daily Show to Lohan’s parents were not immediately returned. But a visa agent in Beijing has reported receiving the passport of one Michael Joseph Lohan, Sr, shortly after the news was released.
“He wanted the one-year tourist visa,” said the agent, who preferred to remain anonymous on account of legal complications regarding her agency. “As for his daughter, I don’t know.”
A Peking University source, who wished to remain anonymous, claimed that the university was on stand-by to sack its current Visiting Emeritus Professor of Literature, Toni Morrison, and hire Lohan at a moment’s notice, should the actress decide to pursue academia in China.
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