Horoscope: May 2011

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ARIES (3/21-4/19) Next time you encourage your children to pursue careers in law and accounting, mention that you’d rather they not consider employment with Teng Biao, Gao Zhisheng or Ai Weiwei.

TAURUS (4/20-5/20) Tread carefully up those six flights of stairs at work this month: the property mangers haven’t made the building quite as quake-proof as they promised in the brochure.

GEMINI (5/21-6/20) Your fantasy of hot sex with identical Swedish twins will come partially true this month after accepting a spiked drink from two new friends in Wudaokou: Lars and Sven.

CANCER (6/21-7/22) As you wonder about the progress of your visa application, new Exit-Entry Bureau regulations will counteract any astrological phenomena that might have favored you.

LEO (7/23-8/22) “The quality of mercy is not strained.” But try quoting Shakespeare to the security guards who stop you at Carrefour with two stray bottles of erguotou padding your bra.

VIRGO (8/23-9/22) A commitment to improving your Chinese language skills unfortunately brings some of that anti-government rhetoric of yours to the attention of local police.

LIBRA (9/23-10/22)  The ominous passing of Saturn through the house of Libra with the promise of healthy, resilient children will become abruptly irrelevant when your genitals get smashed under the center wheel of a rogue rickshaw.

SCORPIO (10/23-11/21) Go on, form that progressive folk duo you’ve been talking about. But don’t please talk about it, bombard us with Facebook invites to your hutong gigs or post that demo song to your MySpace profile.

SAGITTARIUS (11/22-12/21) Your Gandhi-esque commitment to non-violence is admirable and probably explains your own failure to commit suicide, despite working at Foxconn.

CAPRICORN (12/22-1/19) Don’t worry about feeling unattractive and worthless. Your state lottery win on Monday will solve the latter, and your plastic surgery the following Friday the former!

AQUARIUS (1/20-2/10) There’s too much water in your house this month… because you live in Miyagi Prefecture.

PISCES (2/19-3/20) You finally realize that being rich isn’t all that glorious. It’s time to try Confucianism.

 

Madame Jiang has been the China Daily Show astrologer since time immoral. She practices her art sporadically as she cannot currently influence local government policy on superstition, selling false advice or imprisonment without trial.

 

 

 

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