‘Missing’ Xi Jinping found alive after 96-hour Internet session


Politics Correspondent

Vice-President Xi Jinping, pictured hailing a cab to the nearest Internet cafe

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Chinese president-in-waiting Xi Jinping has been rushed to a hotpot restaurant, after being found just barely alive following a five-day gaming bender.

The man tipped to become the second most powerful in the world in October had not been seen in public since sitting down last Wednesday to “type a few emails.”

After opening up several tabs and clicking on links, a distracted Xi was soon embroiled in a protracted flame war with an anonymous Japanese forum user who was clearly in the wrong.

That would have been that, say aides, had Xi not then become obsessed with the idea of playing epic role -playing game Skyrim to 100 percent completion before the start of the 18th Party Congress in mid-October.

“Just a few more hours,” Xi allegedly promised aides, before passing out in an internet café while attempting to return the Thieves’ Guild to its former glory, after a 96-hour online session fueled only by ice tea and noodle flavoring sachets.

Witnesses say it was several hours before staff realized the vice-president was comatose.

The incident recalls the glory days of Mao Zedong, when the Great Helmsman would often disappear for months on end, indulging his passion for sleeping, nut-scratching and young PLA dancing troupes.

But it reflects a growing problem in China: internet addiction.

What – man can’t get some Skyrim without the media all up in his grill?

China has established so-called ‘addiction boot camps’ to treat children with an over-dependence on activities such as Happy Farm, but it is thought that Xi begged not to be sent to one, for fear of being teased or beaten to death.

Officials, quick to reassure the public that it was business as usual, have decided to ignore the matter.

“Some people might think it was weird – or even messed-up – that the guy about to be in charge of the world’s screwiest economy went practically AWOL for nearly a week,” said one senior adviser. “But we know that it doesn’t really make the slightest difference.”

Xi is expected to return to work and carry on as if nothing had happened this Friday.

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