By Xiao Niao
CHONGQING (China Daily Show) – Foreign media was last night scrambling to find a credible source for a series of sensational allegations made on Chinese websites that suggest Neil Heywood was actually killed by a foreign-intelligence dwarf.
The claims were made on Redrants.com, an offshore Maoist forum that has continually claimed deposed politician Bo Xilai was the victim of a frame-up by Chinese Communist Party (CCP) officials.
Citing sources deep within the circus community, Redrants says that British businessman Heywood was in fact killed by a “poison dwarf” hired by the CIA on the orders of UK Prime Minister David Cameron.
“The dwarf did the bidding on the word of the lizard Cameron, we are told,” said the explosive article, which has already received several ‘likes.’
“Afterwards, he ate all the evidence and crept back out. Then the evil mini-me planted hundreds of documents and billions of dollars into the house and bank accounts of Gu Kailai, while she peacefully slept, unaware of the Black Paw.”
Gu is Bo’s wife, who stands accused by the CCP of murdering Heywood over an “economic dispute.”
If true, the stunning accusations would explain delays by the UK Foreign Office in requesting an official investigation into Heywood’s demise in Chongqing last November, as well as bolstering the claims of China’s beleaguered neo-Maoist faction. If false, it will be extremely disappointing.
“This information is stunning, an absolute game-changer,” said political media analyst Charles Ding. “All it lacks is any evidence.”
But one Chinese official was more than happy to go on the record as saying the claims were definitely false.
“This definitely contradicts the evidence that we’ve been making up,” said junior Chongqing Banyan Ministry cadre Ting Luo. “Please stick to our story.”
Whatever the case, the awesome new allegations will certainly provide fresh grist to the mill for hundreds of foreign journalists, many desperate to put food on the table by providing anxious desk editors with fresh Heywood bombshells.
“This should keep us going for weeks,” chuckled one British reporter. “It’ll probably cost Cameron the dwarf vote as well.”
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