By QUANSHAN CHENG’E
BEIJING (China Daily Show) — Unconfirmed reports from sources within Hell today suggested the leadership is considering opening a new extension in the Underworld for those who espouse the “Chinese method” of parenting.
The news comes as US stores prepare for the release of a controversial new book by Amy Chua, entitled Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother, which has already been heavily criticized for its alleged espousal of cruel treatment such as beating, mental torture and denial of basic human rights — the so-called “Chinese Method” — as effective parenting techniques.
Chua’s book is said to have caught the attention of high-ranking demons within Hell’s Administrative Bureau, who thought her humorless parenting methods, responsible for untold misery in the lives of countless suicidal children, made her an ideal candidate for elaborately ironic never-ending torture, without redemption.
“Ms. Chua has demonstrated commensurate talent for coming up with ways to torment small children, exactly an area those of us in the Bureau find the most challenging,” said a Hell Administrative Bureau spokesdemon.
“We’re just at the ‘tossing-ideas-around’ stage at the moment,” the source added. “But some of the concepts for perdition we like so far include, forcing her to produce endless home-made birthday cards which are continually rejected as unfit, and making her learn to play the erhu in front of an unimpressed Chinese-American peer group.”
“It would be all too easy for us to simply say, ‘Corrupt Chinese cadres are all Hell-bound,’” Temeluchus, a mid-level demon, told China Daily Show. “Easy but also ineffective: we much prefer cynical headline-grabbing methods, similar to Chua’s recent article in the Wall Street Journal, disingenuously entitled Why Chinese Mothers Are Superior.”
The Prince of Darkness, who now prefers the name “Nick,” is said to take a much more modern approach to damnation than in previous centuries and is “always on the look-out for innovative and dynamic tortures and popular modern hate figures,” the spokesdemon said, adding that other candidates for possible hell-fire include Ping Bao, chief of the Internet News Coordination Bureau and irreverent People’s Daily columnist Li Hongmei.
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