Nothing to see here, as blind activist flees kidnappers, while family is beaten senseless


Legal Correspondent

Chen is the Daddy Cool of Chinese dissidents

LINYI (China Daily Show)  — Rule of law was successfully upheld in China yesterday, after a blind activist fled  illegal detention, while his innocent family was punished with a severe ass-kicking.

Chen Guangcheng is an anti-forced abortion activist who angered authorities in Shandong province by legally representing victims of sterilization.

Jailed for four years for jaywalking, Chen was finally released in September 2010 and immediately offered a 24-hour concierge service by grateful cadres.

Despite the promise of never having to leave home, and visits from Hollywood celebrities including Christian Bale, Chen instead chose to hit the road last Sunday. He is now believed to be safely cowering in an unspecified safe house in Beijing.

Analysts hail the case as a victory for China’s strong tradition of Legalism.

“The Chinese legal system is obviously working,” said a Ministry of Justice spokeswoman. “Chen is now free somewhere.

“The foreign media’s continued interest in this story is a big mystery to the Chinese people, as the case has clearly now been solved.”

Down in Chen’s hometown of Dongshigu, however, there were scenes of angry recrimination among the dolts detailed to keep Chen under lock and key. Questions are now being asked as to how a blind, frail and sick prisoner managed to escape a supposed ring-fence of heavy security without being noticed for several days.

Security officers finally burst into Chen’s quarters Thursday, only to discover two pillows stuffed under a duvet, and several scattered copies of The Fugitive, Thelma & Louise and Catch Me If You Can.

“Ah just don’ get it, boss,” said one puzzled goon. “He was here, like, a week ago. Then this morning, he weren’t. Or was it yesterday?”

Local officials believe they may have figured out a way to smooth over the situation, however: a little-known legal loophole allows police to beat seven shades of shit out of Chen’s wife, father and nephew.

But legal experts warn that, complexly, the same loophole does not also apply to Chen’s  nephew, Kegui.

Chen Kegui is currently also believed to be on the run, after an apparent unprovoked assault on a group of paramilitary police, armed with shock batons, who are said to have stopped by his house for a cup of tea.

Meanwhile, reports that blind lawyer Daredevil entered the US Embassy in Beijing on Friday, brandishing a dossier of information on Bo Xilai, remain unconfirmed.

Last night all was quiet outside the American embassy, save the arrival of a delivery van from Fatburger.

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