By GUO MEIMEI
Ever since I proclaimed myself the Reincarnated Daughter of the Second Son of Jesus Christ, Hung Xioqui, Ruler of the Heavenly Kingdom and de facto President of China in 2010, things have been going CRA-ZY for me.
People started calling me “Little Baby Jesus Xiao Meimei.” Then they accused my boyfriend of being old and wrinkly. People even said I was fleeing to the “Holy See of Vancouver.”
So to calm things down, I told everyone I was the vice-president of Sinopec.
It was just a white lie, intended to defuse the situation. After all, spreading rumors is hardly a crime, is it? Let’s be real, guys. So what if searches for Hu Jintao, the actual President of China at the time, caused Internet servers to crash. That’s not my fault. Duh!
Before long, innocent pictures of me – on a Maserati with my Hermes bag, or snorting shark’s fin through a hand-rolled 100-yuan note – were being taken completely out of context.
I mean, if ‘selfies’ were a crime, we’d all be in jail. Think about it. And I’d probably be on Death Row! That’s hardly going to happen, is it.
Sure, vanity did undermine my claims to be a religious leader. But if anyone had bothered to look at my MySpace page, they’d have realized I was really just an ordinary 21-year-old drama student, whose interests include “drinking, eating, shopping, and talking about all three.”
I mean, I don’t even enjoy sex – you’d have to pay me for it! Now that I think about it, actually, that’s what some people did. So really, I was doing them all a favor, right. Like the Red Cross? Hardly a crime, now is it!