Panic spreads in Beijing for some reason


Rumor Correspondent

This undated picture clearly shows some vehicles on an Asian street, possibly China

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – A water-cooler debate quickly led to widespread muttering, joking and microblogging in Beijing Tuesday morning, as a result of something happening in either a school, a junction or possibly a section of the subway, according to various online sources.

Within minutes of the scandal, crisis or Groupon promotion breaking, groups of teenagers, and possibly old people, took to their computers, to variously protest or support either the university admissions system, poor-quality scriptwriting on children’s entertainment channel Kaku or a possible military coup in Beijing.

City officials, the police and international observers have all vowed to restore calm, once they can agree on what is actually going on.

But despite the Ministry of Agriculture moving quickly to issue an official statement on grain production, the rumors have continued to circulate.

According to a source in the Chinese Politburo, maintenance staff are working round the clock in Zhongnanhai to fix their fax machine. The Diaoyutai State Guesthouse was also continuing to accept reservations.

Meanwhile, people across the nation continued to take to streets like Chang’an Avenue to visit museums, buy groceries and perform useful services in exchange for money.

“I’m absolutely outraged,” said single mother Han Wei, 32. “I can’t believe the government or private individuals are perhaps doing this to our nation’s children or adults. Either the authorities or grassroots organizations, or both, need to do something about whatever this is – or isn’t.”

Her feelings were echoed by 19-year-old transgender prostitute Kitty Wu. “This is an issue that unites us all, whatever it is!” she yelled at reporters.

Last night, in what many are interpreting as “unusual activity” in the news media, state network CCTV broadcast a three-hour news report on a Hubei corn farmer’s heroic battle against Dutch elm disease.

Many are now speculating on whether this should be interpreted as a coded message and, if so, what it means, and who sent it to whom, how, why, Hu and Wen.

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