Patriotic shareholder can’t wait to commit suicide


Finance Correspondent

A man checks his scalp for lumps as the SCI falls

A man smooths his hair as the SCI goes red

SHANGHAI (China Daily Show) – As shares in the Shanghai Composite Index plummeted on Black Monday, bankrupt investor Dai Ping vowed to honor his country by jumping as soon as possible from the window of the sixth-story apartment he’d just lost.

“Truly, ’tis sweet and honorable to cling to these worthless stocks for my nation,” Dai whispered, vowing that his imminent plunge would glorify the vampiric demands of China’s illiquid capitalist elites on retail investors.

Dai, a 42-year-old father and part-time stock dabbler, had bought several cars and a golden pig earlier this year, during a roaring bull market driven by feverish speculation and pure dumb luck. But Dai’s long bets ultimately fell short when sharp corrections in the benchmark index converted his equity valuations into chickenfeed.

At the urging of a twinkly-eyed speculator, Dai ploughed all his remaining savings into a toxic bunch of ailing A-shares, determined to bring transient glory to the motherland by squandering his daughter’s chance of a college education.

Unfortunately, friends now say, the wretched fool may have survived his fall, thus bringing eternal shame upon his ancestors.

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