By XIAO NIAO
BEIJING (China Daily Show) – The People’s Liberation Army (PLA) has moved to erase the Internet, after the son of disgraced official Bo Xilai reversed his red Ferrari over a 16-year old migrant worker during a special live edition of hit dating show If You Are The One.
Bo Guagua’s appearance was originally scheduled to be a low-key affair, with Bo bicycling into the studio whistling an upbeat revolutionary tune and carrying a posy.
But a bizarre series of mishaps, multiple rewrites and production purges led to Bo instead being winched via crane into the open-air studio in a specially commissioned red-and-yellow Ferrari.
“Everything that could go wrong did go wrong,” said a witness. “The chain started to break, Bo panicked and started the engine, the car was in reverse gear, the worker wandered on set at precisely the wrong moment… un-fucking-believable.”
The ‘perfect storm’ of online outrage immediately which ensued, termed ‘Memeageddon’ by digital experts, sent China’s rumour-hungry blogosphere into meltdown, forcing the government to wipe the entire Internet in an attempt to conceal the scandal and calm the situation.
After receiving the go-ahead from the Politburo, the PLA’s Internet division has executed Order 66, a reserve strategy designed to neutralize any domestic scandal of a magnitude capable of destroying the Party in a single devastating stroke.
The Order has only been used once before, in 1996, when a webcam in Jiang Zemin’s bedroom accidentally broadcast the elderly leader in his underwear, dining on the corpse of a young virgin.
UPDATE: [Editor’s note: Without Internet, we are forced to rely on traditional newsgathering forms, rarely practiced today. As a consequence, much of the information is sourced from ‘conversations’ and ‘interviews,’ unverifiable by Wikipedia]
It has emerged that Bo’s appearance was part of a special edition of the popular dating show If You Are The One, approved months previously by China’s Ministry of Culture – or MiniCull, as it is popularly known – at the urging of Bo’s publicity-hungry father, Bo Xilai.
The show’s exact content may never be known, however, due to the complete eradication of all records. However, the migrant worker has been identified as Li Huiling, a young Chengdu girl in search of a wealthy husband to help pay for kidney treatment, after being poisoned by a frozen dumpling at the backstage buffet.
FURTHER UPDATE: More news on Order 66, the executive directive to erase the Internet, points to an electromagnetic pulse (EMP) detonated in the Earth’s upper atmosphere, designed to instantly knock out all digital communications and erase the entire Internet, along with all records of the incident. Reports from Chongqing indicate the entire If You Are The One studio was also taken out in a tactical missile strike.
However, during the 18-minute window between the incident occurring and the wiping of the Internet, the episode, which aired simultaneously on several hundred video-exchange sites, was re-tweeted 8.2 billion times, effectively reaching every computer user on the planet at least once.
More alarmingly, the simultaneous re-tweeting reached critical mass seven minutes in, creating an electronic signal several times more powerful than the world’s highest-grade radio telescope, beaming the footage onto every mobile telecommunications device on Earth, as well as deep into the far reaches of space.
Experts are divided on the implications for China.
“It’s very hard for the Party to come back from something like this,” said analyst Russell Simes. “The image of a princeling’s sport car crushing an innocent girl to death on live television is very powerful. You’d need at least a good, clear, fresh upskirt of Angelina Jolie to shift that from your mind.
“Unfortunately, such images are illegal in China.”
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