Reincarnation ‘illegal without a state permit’: China

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By XIAO YUNYU
Religion Correspondent

The Dalai Lama, pictured here in a recent dream by former Tibetan governor Qiangba Puncog

Lhasa (China Daily Show) — Fearing “a looming horde of separatist jackals,” the Chinese Ministry of Atheism today announced new measures intended to penalize religious separatists ad apocalytum.

The auspicious initiative comes just a week after the exiled Tibetan government named Harvard scholar Lobsang Sangay as their new elected Prime Minister. Sangay, 43, has never set foot in Tibet but announced yesterday that he is “looking forward to a warm welcome from the Chinese” when he pays his debut visit.

The Anti-theist Regulation officially defines unsanctioned resurrection, transubstantiation, heavenly visitation, divine investiture of authority and all other “acts of super-sedition” as state crimes, punishable by “eternal damnation to the eighteenth generation.”

“Those contemplating a return to mortality with the intention of undermining China’s territorial integrity should first consider the welfare of the eternal souls of their ancestors,” warned the newly appointed Minister of Atheism, Pei Gundan.

Chinese citizens seeking reincarnation or resurrection for legitimate purposes, Pei added, “must first apply in person at their local PSB with their national ID card, two to three hundred passport photos, a certificate of health inspection, handwriting sample and lock of hair.”

The applicant must then embark on a “transnational quest to the four corners of the Motherland” for the requisite chops, culminating with the bestowal of a post-mortem hukou in the secretive Holy Hall of Holies in the Great Hall of the People, Tiananmen Square.

Final approval of the permit requires “scientific proof of reincarnation” — an act which may itself contravene article 14 of the new regulation, Pei emphasized.

Since seeking retirement, the Dalai Lama says his new life, which sees him spend much of his spare time relaxing in a Thai beach hut-cum-bar between naps and massages, has “helped bring some perspective to my futile shenanigans,” according to His former Holiness.

Anxious Chinese Catholics, concerned that the new policy may affect the Eucharist’s transubstantiational power in their personal lives are now re-thinking their attendance at weekly services.

Beijing worshipper Augustina Feng, 33, said that, after a long chat with local police, she had come to agree that public worship, evangelism and other acts of religiosity are tantamount to “selling one’s soul to the foreign Devil.”

But she hasn’t lost her sense of humor: “Previously, when I took the Eucharist, I enjoyed eating the flesh of Christ in preparation for the world to come,” said Feng. “Now, I prefer to ‘human-flesh-search’ Chinese dissenters in exchange for a monetary reward on Earth.”

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  • Mike

    Fucking chinese u can only dream about it, because the one who follows the path of non violence never gets arrested for any cause, ok , so u can only dream about this fucking shit falling on ur face 

  • Anni

    Do u know who exactly is this person, this is the picture of His holiness the 14th Dalai lama; so dont try to compare the small animals like mao or anything one else in the chinese govt infront of him. 
    Thats a total comparison of  a God ( His holiness the 14th Dalai Lama) with the devil (mao)So stop bull shitting it all around and make everyone to laugh again for the same old story. 

  • Norbu

    Your dream is only just a dream, and you hope for it to make it happen in real world. To ful fill this dream, you have to be the king of the entire world.  So to  become a king of the entire  world, a mare human being like you, with in the ugly govt, cant do anything and can only dream about it .  Be careful man, one day your govt will send you behind the bars with out any reason at all. Shame Shame china  shame.