By ZHEN REN
Reality TV correspondent
PYONGYANG (China Daily Show) — The snow has barely settled on Kim Jong-il’s funeral party but the internal jockeying has already begun, as contestants line up to see who will succeed Kim into the ultimate hot seat: control of all nuclear warheads north of the 38th parallel.
But even as the finishing touches are being applied to the late Dear Leader’s body by a team of highly paid, ex-KGB taxidermists, the chilly halls of Pyongyang’s government ministries have come abuzz with rumors that several Western fame whores are lining up their own leadership bids.
“Kim Jong-un better lay off the Cookie Diet!” declared Calvin Wang, Kim Kardashian’s Asian-Pacific manager this week, as the reality TV star became the latest celebrity Kim to throw her hat in the ring.
“Respected comrade Kardashian has a proven track record of making disastrous high-profile decisions and her car-crash lifestyle speaks for itself,” Wang argued. “If Jong-un thinks he can live up to his father’s lifestyle as preposterously as this Kim can, he’s smoking the ma huang.”
Whoever lands the coveted post of Supreme Leader will have to out-flail even the most absurd antics of the recent US Republican primary nominees, experts warn.
“They’ll need to impress kingmakers like Chang Song-taek, who like their dictators the old-fashioned way: ineffictive at ruling but adept at making grand, crazy gestures,” said analyst Park Chae-dong. “Frontrunner Kim Jong-un, for example, is already planning the world’s most expensive wedding — to Angelina Jolie, who won’t even be attending the ceremony.”
In scenes reminiscent of 2010, Jung-un has also ordered the re-release of Kim Jong-il’s favorite film, Kim Jong-il’s Wasteful American Military Drains Mass Resources in Attempt to Rescue Undecorated Soldier, the director’s smash-hit Saving Private Ryan remake.
“That’s a clear attempt to shore up support, by reminding starving citizens of their late leader’s directorial talents,” Park noted. In retaliation, the South has been blasting “I’m So Ronery” across the DMZ to demoralize border troops.
Kardashian, meanwhile, is believed to be in round-the-clock briefings, explaining the intricacies of the Hermit Kingdom’s socialist planned economy, pre-industrial agriculture and rabid anti-Americanism. Long-time Pyongyang observers, however, fear a 2006 Politico interview — in which Kardashian suggested that “those poor Koreans deserve a real makeover, Palm Springs-style” — will not have endeared her to the isolationist country’s military junta.
And former husband Kris Humphries – whose 2011 marriage to Kardashian famously lasted just 72 days – has cited their vehement personal clashes over the stalled Six-Party Talks as a major reason for the couple parting ways.
“Kim was extremely concerned about something called ‘nuclear proliferation’,” Humphries has revealed to OK! magazine. “She felt the Middle East situation had diverted attention from the Korean Peninsula. I said we should just stay at the Sheraton then.”
While talks are already in progress to broadcast Kim’s Korea’s Got Talent on K! — the North Korean arm of entertainment channel E! — serious analysts are looking to other foreign contenders.
These include former-1980s foxfur-hat-toting songstress Kim Wilde — a self-confessed longtime adherent of “Juche and Gabbana” — and musician Lil’ Kim, asked how she might run her campaign, rapped “I’d run drive-bys hitting DMX switches/Prove my skeez to those Yonhap-loving bitches.” Insiders suggest it would be better for her chances if, like the country’s current president Kim Song-il, the rapper was deceased.
But Hollywood agents have poured cold water on Oscar-winning actress Kim Basinger’s chances. “She’s too old and wrinkly,” said a top agent. “Unlike the cuddly up-and-comer Kim Jung-un, who is either 27, 28 or 29.”
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