By FEI ZHOU
BEIJING (China Daily Show) – China has surprised aid agencies by announcing plans to restrict all further overseas aid only to countries displaying both “the ability and the willingness to sing and dance.”
The landmark policy shift was made by China’s State Council Wednesday. In the past, China has generally restricted its development aid to countries with rich natural resources.
However, with oil, diamonds and uranium now depleted in many regions, China has begun to look towards other commodities prized by its plutocratic leadership as a potential bargaining tool for impoverished nations.
“The richest untapped resources of Africa and South America, in particular, are the joyous, carefree dances of their amusing, fruit-hatted populations,” ran the official statement. “It is this cultural wealth which our nation would most like to develop and refine.”
The policy shift – dubbed ‘Rhythm for Resources’ – would explain the behavior of South Sudanese leader Salva Kiir at a recent summit with President Hu Jintao.
Salva led his delegation in a display of traditional Sudanese line dancing which the Chinese president applauded as “show-stoppingly quaint.”
The highly stylized routine, set to a bongo-based rehash of Dolly Parton classic Nine to Five, allegedly clinched a number of lucrative contracts, allowing China exclusive access to South Sudan’s oil wealth in return for an unspecified sum of cash.
The move comes as the country grows increasingly bored of the stale musical numbers regularly performed by the country’s 52 officially recognized “lesser ethnicities.”
As part of the country’s move to promote its soft power, while curtailing ‘undesirable’ foreign elements, the Ministry of Culture has invited the submissions of new, differently coloured minority peoples.
A special inspection committee has been assigned to remove sexually-suggestive dance moves, while setting traditional folk dances from around the world to a state-approved traditional instrument – the Yamaha PSR-19 synthesizer.
“We must move with the times,” Hao observed, during the nine-hour press conference. “Why not groove with the times?”
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