By ZHAO HUO
Tibet Correspondent

Phuntsok at a Lhasa hospital photocall yesterday

LHASA (China Daily Show) – Self-immolating monk Thangka Phuntsok says he’s packing in the fireworks, after his last conflagration failed to attract a single AP journalist.

The 23-year-old auto-arsonist dramatically sacked veteran publicist Cliff Hyde from his hospital bed on Monday night.

Phuntsok says Hyde dramatically misled him when he advised that setting himself alight on a crowded Lhasa street last week would bring worldwide media attention to the plight of the Tibetan people.

“I asked to see the clippings afterwards,” said a heavily sedated Phuntsok, currently recuperating in the serious clerical-burns unit at the No 3 Hospital of the University of Lhasa Medical College.

“Cliff handed me a press release from a one-man Hong Kong human rights operation,” Phuntsok recalled. “I nearly choked on my hospital food – unfortunately, I was being fed via a drip.”

Terminating his five-year contract with the Lhasa-based PR agency Duq & Hyde, Phuntsok expressed his appreciation for the firm’s efforts, but warned that, when a flaming fireball protest in China couldn’t make global headlines, “something has gone horribly wrong.”

Phuntosk’s was the latest in a seemingly unending wave of recent Tibetan self-immolations, aimed at bringing an end to government interference in the Buddhist religion and returning the exiled Dalai Lama to his rightful place.

But the protests have gone largely unnoticed – due in part to a security crackdown that prevents journalists from covering them. Without graphic and iconic images, publicists like Hyde say they’re hamstrung.

“On one side, you’ve got a country whose diplomatic clout means that foreign countries no longer exert the same pressure they once did over Tibet,” explained Hyde from his office. “On the other, you’ve got all this Bo Xilai stuff. It’s hard to compete with a plotline from Game of Thrones.”

“The situation has changed,” agreed Beijing-based PR guru Bill Lee. “These days, simply turning yourself into a fireball isn’t enough. If you want to get the press corps out of Jianguomen, you can’t just be an activist – you need to be a blind activist, who’s able to leap walls and crash embassy parties.”

Phuntsok said he now planned to launch a microblog to publicize future flame-ups and monitor his own campaign for justice.

“When you consider how much gasoline prices have risen,” Phuntsok croaked from behind cracked and charred lips, “it might be cheaper just to do my own publicity.”

His next move will be an online survey, asking netizens to vote on self-cremation, entitled simply ‘Hot or Not?’

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By XIAO YUNYU
Religious Correspondent

In their flattering robes, monks only have themselves to blame for sexual harassament, say sociologists

BEIJING (China Daily Show) — A Peking University (PKU) graduate who shocked his parents and Chinese society by dropping out of a prestigious university course to join a monastery yesterday admitted that the decision was born of a desire for both “inner peace” and “hot monks”.

Liu Zhiyu became a household name in China after rejecting a coveted full scholarship, offered by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, in favour of following a spiritual calling to join the “accommodating and broad-minded” monks of the Longquan Temple in Beijing.

As peers fought tooth-and-nail for white-collar jobs to support future spouses and ageing parents, Liu became the subject of endless media scrutiny and speculation by bucking the materialistic trend in favour of “deep penetration of the physical and emotional plane”. He initially responded by secluding himself at the temple, refusing to answer questions or explain himself.

But yesterday, Liu told a China Daily Show Reporter at the Longquan Monastery’s sutra-hall-cum-sauna that, despite his strong filial piety, he found himself unable to resist the lure of monkhood – or monks. “I had a dream to enter a temple, and an oiled, robed monk, soon afterward,” he explained.

Describing his new brothers as “spiritual, knowledgeable… and lithe,” Liu complained that the “six-to-a-room” atmosphere at PKU made it impossible for him to find a peaceful moment “to share with one other man, forsaking all others, at least until one or both of us have perceived nirvana”.

“I definitely owe a lot to my six former roommates,” he acknowledged. “We mutually explored our boundaries, and I’ve been a platform for their frustrations on several occasions. But it was time to think about a deeper connection.”

Liu was the first PKU student to devise a formula proving “Tang’s Theorem”, which states that the roundness of a male’s buttocks is directly proportional to their ability to bend over a workbench. He was also mid-way through completing a thesis on experiments with uncontrolled explosions alongside a number of male science majors.

Despite these formidable accomplishments, Liu insisted that the temple would better serve his needs. “I have the chance to explore the mysteries of the universe alone, with another monk or  as a group,” he told China Daily Show. “We can utilize a number of methods to achieve enlightenment involving hatha yoga, qigong breathing techniques, and perhaps implements such as yak-butter candles.”

His choice has drawn scorn from many quarters. “[How can] young people become monks? They don’t even understand society, how can we expect them to enlighten people?” asked Lou Yulie, PKU professor of philosophy. “I can understand how depressed his parents are.”

“Fuck ass, you fuck,” raged blogger ‘Weidazhonghua’. “Why not join people liberation army, explode chrysanthemum like genuine man?!”

China has seen a surge in awkward, well-groomed youngsters joining Buddhist temples to pursue a life of quiet contemplation with other like-minded and vulnerable men. The appeal of a monastic life has been variously explained by the dearth of spirituality under Communist rule, the growing popularity of Buddhist sutras online, and well-built, shaven young men wearing off-the-shoulder saffron robes that are suitable for any occasion.

Liu himself said he was inspired by the parable of the founder of Buddhism, Siddartha Gautama, who extolled the virtues of “opening one’s arms to a complete stranger and helping them deepen their connection. Often with others watching.”

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By XIAO YUNYU
Religion Correspondent

The spiritual leader told reporters: 'There is an 'I' in Dalai Lama'

DEHLI (China Daily Show) – Former anointed leader of Tibet and spiritual guru of Tibetan Buddhism, the Dalai Lama yesterday shocked onlookers by announcing his imminent retirement from public life.

Speaking at a press conference in Delhi, India, the Dalai Lama answered a routine question about  Burma by telling world media that it was “probably time to throw in the towel.”

“As far as [Tibetan] independence goes, we’ve done all we can. God knows, we’ve tried: from armed uprisings to paintings to Richard Gere, we’ve done all we possibly can,” the exiled Tibetan religious leader told assembled press. “Maybe it’s time to focus on what’s really important in life.”

Sipping from a can of 7-Up and wearing a pair of shades, the Tibetan spiritual leader seemed calm and relaxed, refusing to be drawn any further on the subject.

But appearing an hour later, having changed from his usual saffron robes into a checked shirt, corduroy flat cap and stonewashed chinos, the Dalai Lama answered media questions in rapid-fire succession.

Chinese President Hu Jintao? “No hard feelings. As they say, don’t look for me in the morning, baby, as I’ll be gone, solid gone.” Asked about Nobel Prize-winning jailed Chinese dissident Liu Xiaobo, the Dalai Lama shrugged.

“Shit happens. He’ll be out in ten years. After that, who knows?”

Asked if he would miss his role as leader of the Tibetan Buddhist community, the charismatic spiritual leader said to laughter, “Certainly not those butter candles. They reek worse than a yak’s tuckus. And on the bright side, no more Richard Gere, obviously.”

The words came as a surprise, despite having told a CNN reporter in Florida  late October that  “I’m a human being. … Retirement is my right.” It also marks a major career change for the Dalai Lama, since he was declared the living incarnation of the highest power in Tibetan Buddhism and made de facto spiritual and political leader of the Tibetan people seventy years ago.

The grey-haired and much-admired face of Tibetan liberation has remained a thorn in the Chinese government’s side since his flight from the troubled region following a failed uprising against Communist rule in 1959.

The Dalai Lama insisted that the plight of the Tibetan people remains close to his heart, but that he also felt it was important to devote his time to other causes.

“It’s all been happening while I’ve been busy: Facebook, Hot Pockets, Simon Cowell, Team Edward… where to even begin? I’ve got a lot to catch up on. What am I going to be doing?” He smiled. “Having some serious me-time.”

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