By ZHONG ZULUN
Race Relations Correspondent

Da! Russians traditionally celebrate coming-of-age by shooting their parents in the head and dumping the bodies in a mass grave (Picture: KGB)

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – It’s the news that has every Russian saying, “Na zdrovia”: The results from a recent China Daily Show poll to find the best – and worst – expats has left all participants feeling slightly more racist.

The biggest non-surprise was the news that Russia maintained its position of having the world’s most intimidating expatriate community. The victory, Russia’s fourth consecutive win, was celebrated in style at Beijing’s downtown Moscow Restaurant last night, where a trio of bodybags – believed to contain dead prostitutes – was seen being smuggled out in the early hours Wednesday morning.

Sergei Nikolayevich, a shark-eyed Shanghai nightclub owner, said he wasn’t especially celebrating the win, as he normally drinks two bottles of vodka a night anyway. But he agreed the poll was an accurate reflection of Russia’s status abroad.

“The happiest moment of my life was when I gave my mother a tracheotomy in the husk of a burning car,” recalled Nikolayevic, who moved to China after a particularly harsh winter during which most of his family perished except his arch-enemy, brother Uri.

Russian melancholia is understandable, pointed out historian Sir William Buckfast, whose Somehow It Gets Worse (OUP, 1998) is considered a definitive account of the former Soviet Union. “Think about the worst possible thing that ever happened in your country: something that haunts you, shames you, worries you, terrifies you,” Buckfast explained. “Well, the Russians doubled it and likely did it for fun.”

Other expats that made readers reach for their passports include South Africans, Israelis and Nigerians. Agbani Enwonu, a Political Science professor and author of the critically acclaimed Things Fall Apart, Again (411 Books, 2010), says the stereotype is an outdated one.

“Yeah, yeah, I tell you,” Agbani told China Daily Show. “The only way to peaceful cohabitation between nations is a leveraged and balanced trade policy. The understanding and compassion of people is not enough. For example, I myself am a son of the deposed General [Sani Abacha]. But I would be happy to share the contents of my frozen accounts with you, if you’d just supply me with a few bank details.”

The poll spells bad news for China’s overseas muscle, however: Chinese people came in at an over-friendly 167, mostly because they “bring food,” while its dictatorial neighbour, North Korea, failed to even register.

The news was also greeted with dismay in Australia, which only just squeezed into the 2011 Top Ten despite a very strong showing last year. “It’s ridiculous,” complained aggrieved sports-bar manager Bruce Thompson. “Statistically, at any given moment, in any given bar, an Australian is punching someone while shouting.”

And disproving the old adage that it is impossible to not offend a Canadian, the Canuck abroad is merely considered harmless, according to pollsters. “They have infiltrated every nation. They can live in any climate,” explained anthropologist Wen Luo. “ In short, they are so polite and unassuming, it’s just plain rude.”

Follow this and other leading China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By QING TAN
Society Correspondent

Fey registers an impressive 4.5 on ratemyschlong.com

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Sorry, ladies! It looks like Beijing’s most eligible bachelor might have finally hung up his dancing shoes.

Bespectacled expat Russell Fey (pictured, right) has been a mainstay on the capital’s singleton scene ever since his arrival in 2004.

The 46-year-old IT expert, who sports an impressive pate atop thinning hair, wowed local ladies with his good looks and anecdotes about computers and life back home in Canada.

Fey soon notched up an impressive array of bedroom conquests. But according to Beijing society expert Shan Jingping of BeijingDoll.com, the Vancouver lover-man may have split his last condom.

“Russell exclusively bellowed into my ear at a Gongti nightclub last Friday that he’s ‘sick of The Game,’” the gossip queen cooed on her blog last Sunday. According to Shan, Fey has decided to choose one lucky lady to settle down with.

“Unbelievable!” said one commenter. “I faint!” admitted another.

But who is this mystery minx who has captured the rumpled Romeo’s attentions?

Ask roommate, and long-time wingman, “Bald” John Archibald: “Russell has been cagey about it, ever since he came back from a two-week temple holiday in Phuket,” Archibald admitted. “But I reckon it must be someone pretty special because he’s even talked about selling his beloved MacBook Air to pay from some surgical procedure.”

Self-confessed “LA pussy hound” Lay Kwong tweeted that Team Beijing had “lost another good man” but rambled that he himself would keep “fighting the fight against the haters and the skanks.”

China Daily Show caught up with the Sanlitun swordsman at his favorite Beijing hunting ground, the Hard Rock Cafe. “How did I know she was the one?” Fey smiled at the question. “When she asked me to open a joint bank account – that’s when I knew.”

As for exact figures about the notches on the bedpost of Beijing’s answer to Warren Beatty, the facts are sketchy. A consummate gentleman, Fey declined to give exact names or even numbers concerning his former sexual partners. But, he did coyly admit, “They definitely exist.”

Despite his rumored prowess, though, Fey’s manners were never less than impeccable, friends say. “Russell always paid for their taxi fares home,” Archibald recalled. “Even when some of them lived as far away as Hebei.”

Follow this and other top China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

OTTAWA (News services) — Following recent visa policy modifications, Mark Roswell, popularly known in China as celebrity ‘crosstalk’ performer Dashan, was denied an F visa extension Thursday, prompting a furious YouTube response in which the Canadian citizen told Beijing to “cut the shit already.”

Broadcasting on his YouTube channel from Ottawa, Roswell scripted a segment similar to his unpopular language-learning program on CCTV-9.  “Welcome to today’s show,” brooded Roswell. “I’m your host, Canadian Mark Roswell, otherwise known as Mark Roswell, from Canada. Today we’re talking about attitude problems.”

His face shrouded in moody lighting, Roswell then slammed the unfairness of the sudden changes in China’s visa policies which have, for decades, allowed foreigners – otherwise unloved and unwanted back home – to live in China as perpetual vacationers without the need for real jobs. “They’ve taken that away from me,” Roswell told China Daily Show via QQ.

Roswell sprang to fame in 1988 after his performance as Dashan in the skit, ‘Ye Gui,’ was seen by 550 million viewers. The Chinese people immediately fell in love with his big eyes, sexy hair, expressive facial features and aura of cleverness. Dashan’s smile was used to sell everything from toothpaste to mechanical parts but now Roswell says he’s turning off the charm till his residence permit is renewed.

“It’s China’s visa policy or my smile,” Roswell vowed. “One of us has to go”

Follow this and other China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

This is what Dashan looks like when he's not smiling