By SHIJIE MORI
Mayan Correspondent

A Chinese man with his home-made Ark yesterday: the CCP has ordered seven

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – China’s popular Communist Party (CCP) yesterday received another fillip to its rule after the long-predicted “Mayan Apocalypse” came and went, with the long-running dynasty still firmly in place.

Indeed, many now believe that – even if the seas had boiled and the sky turned to fire, as had purportedly been claimed in Latin American texts since 3114BC – the CCP would still have comfortably maintained its grip on government.

A popular joke in China goes that, after the holocaust, the only things left would be cockroaches and Party discipline. But increasing numbers of academic shills are adding credence to this idea.

“It would take more than a ‘Doomsday’ to eradicate a system of such keen meritocratic value,” explained Professor David Bellend, a Confucian expert at the Beijing No 4 Agricultural Kindergarten. “In the event of any kind of Armageddon scenario in China, the finest minds and ideas would simply rise to the top, as if by magic.”

A powerful national infrastructure, capable of enduring the end of all life and sustained by the CCP, has been erected with “unshakeable faith,” the People’s Daily remarked yesterday morning, without referencing what it was talking about.

China has excellent drainage systems to cope with the possibility of flooding in urban areas, the editorial continued, while its schools and hospital are built to withstand huge volumes of bird strike.

 “The CCP has been in power since the ancient times,” claimed Professor Fang Danfeng, a Meso-American specialist and author of It’s the Social Stability, Stupid (Xinhua Books, 2008).

“The Mayan calendar also predicted many other things correctly, including the End of Days – but only for Japan, certain parts of the Phillipines and a number of counter-revolutionary religious cults.”

Interviewed about the amazing findings, a number of Chinese pedestrians simply slumped to their knees, slowly, and proceeded to weep silent tears.

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By XIAO MEIMEI
Feminism Correspondent

Buzzkiller Liu Yandong could have set men’s rights back by weeks, experts say

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Beleaguered men’s rights groups have declared that yesterday’s election of an all-male Politburo Standing Committee was a step in the right direction, as far as they are concerned.

“Men have a very tough time of it in China. We have to go to work and – you know, shit like that,” explained Peng Mei, of the All-Male Federation of Chinese Moutai Drinkers (AMFCM). “I tell you one thing, though – my wife doesn’t understand.”

There had been fears among some that a woman – Liu Yandong, a leading female member of the Communist Party’s Central Committee – could actually make it onto the so-called ‘Standing Committee,’ the tiny coterie of elderly politicians who essentially rule China.

Liu’s selection might have threatened the country’s burgeoning men’s rights movement, analysts say, at a time when many still see China as one of the few decent countries left on Earth where a guy can get his drink on any given Wednesday, maybe tap a ho or two with his work buddies after a rich banquet, and still make it to breakfast stinking of baijiu with little more than a cheeky grin and a swift comb-over.

“It was a very close-run thing,” admitted AMFCM treasurer Jin Didi, mopping his jowls. “Luckily, it didn’t happen in the end. Can you imagine, though? It would’ve completely salted everyone’s KTV game… I don’t even want to think about that.”

Liu’s non-selection was greeted with relief by the majority of middle-aged, married male officials, who also happen to make up the majority of China’s middle-aged, married officials.

“It’s difficult enough just getting out of the house every morning without my wife noticing,” muttered embittered Party Secretary for Agriculture and Whatnot Zhang Qishan, whose wide-ranging brief includes forced abortions and women’s rights.

“When I turn off my phone in the evening – that’s it. After another tough day at the office, I want to hit the bricks with my guy pals and, honestly, I don’t want to see another woman unless she’s in minimal hosiery and singing ‘My Way.’ Am I right, boys?”

Others cadres unswervingly agreed.

“I hesitate to use the word a word like ‘sausage-fest’ but – frankly – it’s five in the morning, I’m at a pretty nice level of being toasted, so let’s do this,” declared AMFCM treasurer Didi. “Who’s with me? Man, I love this place.”

Didi’s enthusiasm was also echoed by the country’s numerous male scholars.

“Have you ever heard the expression by Mao Zedong that ‘Men hold up the other half of the sky’? No? Well, write it the fuck down,” Chinese philosopher, writer and historian Ming Fei confidently slurred to reporters. “You guys are going to be using it a lot over the next five years.”

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By BIELE NINNEI
National Party Congress Correspondent

The boys enjoy a quick ‘Reservoir Dogs’ moment, before mirthlessly making their way to the Great Hall of the People, there to meet death with honor

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – In what many will remember as the clear highlight of a weeklong political rollercoaster, all nine members of China’s outgoing Politburo Standing Committee this morning committed ritual suicide onstage, in front of 4,000 delegates and foreign media at the 18^th National Party Congress.

Beginning the action at precisely 9.03am, state security chief Zhou Yongkang stepped forward from the phalanx of dark-suited, indistinguishable politicians, muttered a few words of gruff apology and plunged a carbon steel-alloy yitianjian blade deep into his abdomen, jerking it upwards and moving the blade from left to right, in a sheer slicing motion of textbook seppuku.

“It was an extremely clean kill,” CCTV presenter Yang Rui reported solemnly as, behind him, Central Committee Discipline Inspection Secretary He Guoqiang moved confidently to the podium at the Great Hall of the People, drew forward a curved, singled-edged traditional dao sword and drew it across his throat in a swift but deep slash that severed his jugular and sent thick gouts of arterial blood jetting over grateful delegates, sitting open-mouthed and adoring in the front row.

Long-time China-watchers noted approvingly that, as per Communist tradition, the elderly politicians removed themselves from this mortal coil in the exact order of their rank hypocrisy.

However, the 86-minute-long ceremony of elaborately staged self-slaughter was not without its hitches.

President Hu Jintao had to fire several hollow-point bullets from a customized pearl-handled SR1911 Ruger .45 automatic pistol into his skull before finally slumping to the ground, where his body continued to twitch and inexplicably shower sparks onto the immaculate red carpet for a full two minutes.

And much-loved Premier “Grandpa” Wen Jiabao, whose family is believed to have salted away well over $2 billion during the course of his benevolent leadership, had to be pushed and cajoled onto the stage, before finally agreeing to ram an ancient guan dao spear deep into his bowels and falling to his knees with a pained gasp of surprise and regret.

Analysts agreed that the gory but honorable succession of hara-kiri marked the indisputable high point of this Politburo’s 10-year history and represented an act of supreme patriotism for which they may possibly even be remembered.

However, others warned that the surprise suicides could cast a slight pall over the following day’s next Standing Committee announcement, especially as some of them are now dead by their own hand.

“The pressure is certainly on now for tomorrow’s incoming seven-man Politburo committee to top this spectacular act of self-sacrifice for the motherland,” intoned CCTV’s Yang to the camera. “My most dramatic guess is a true November Surprise: some kind of vague promise for mild economic reform at the municipal level.”

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By MEI DEBAO
Party Congress Correspondent

Journalists discuss lunch options at the Party Congress

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Pity poor ABC TV reporter Megan Sykes: the 27-year-old broadcaster arrived from New York last Thursday with a crew of three, ostensibly to cover China’s National Party Congress. Now she and her team spend their days wandering the streets of Beijing, looking for something to write about.

“There’s an AIDS village about 30 miles outside Beijing,” suggests cameraman Peter, as the crew awkwardly relax in a cramped Dashilar coffee shop. “We could do that.”

“We didn’t travel 2,000 miles to cover another AIDS village,” Sykes angrily snaps in reply. “Look, sorry, Peter… I’m just tired. And frankly bored of this.”

She’s not alone.

As one of the biggest political events of the decade slides into its second week, many correspondents who’ve flown in especially for the event are waking up to the realization that there’s absolutely nothing to report.

“This is a complete bloody disaster, mate,” says veteran Australian journalist Bill Higgins. “My editor is calling me up every bloody day, asking how we can justify the expense of sending two reporters to China for ten days. I offered him a story about a provincial initiative to promote new dance routines for ethnic minorities in Sichuan. He told me to get off the bloody phone.”

Police report that across Beijing, hundreds of dispirited, disheveled and dejected reporters, from countries such as Australia, Canada, Germany, Japan and the US, are milling around the capital’s hutong and boulevards, many without a source or even a place to go and meet somebody for coffee.

“These journalists pose a potential problem to stability. If they aimlessly drift through the city, desperately asking questions, looking for stories, who knows what they might find?” asked worried Chaoyang police chief Lin Liu. “We’ve asked the Ministry of Fisheries to hold an emergency press conference – just to get them safely off the streets for the night, and provide them with at least one hot lead.”

Not every journalist is experiencing the same difficulties, however.

Tongaat Masebo, of the state-run Radio Free Zimbabwe, says he simply does not understand what all the fuss is about. “We have run many fine stories this week, and my editors are very happy,” Masebo beams. “If anything, the problem is that I have too much material. I think that many of these so-called Western media are not proper journalists.”

Masebo is not alone in this view.

“The Party Congress is a most rich goldmine of stories,” agrees Majid Gholem-Hussain, deputy editor of the Tehran Democratic Post. Gholem-Hussain has spent the last week providing his paymasters with a series of stunning scoops from his luxurious Wangfujing hotel room.

“We are being hand-fed the choicest morsels of fascinating news by our good friends,” Gholem-Hussain gloated. “Our exclusive coverage is making utter humiliation for those fools at the New York Times and Washington Post. Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk,” he added thoughtfully.

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Dear sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress

Today I came home from a very difficult afternoon: I had to fetch the children from school myself, because a large bookshelf had fallen on top of our “ayi” (nanny) and apparently trapped her there, so she couldn’t pick up the kids. This completely disrupted my Monday routine, which is normally to have coffee with a friend, then hit the shops. With traffic worse than usual, I decided to abandon my  shoe-shopping for the day and head home early – where, instead of a large bookshelf, I found my useless husband, Geoff, on top of the ayi. I’m now standing outside the door, watching them, wondering what to do. Any suggestions?

In Shunyi, still shoeless!

Sorry, I was miles away… thinking about Hu’s legs

Sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress says:

I’ve been listening again to the innovative 64-page work report delivered by President Hu (available now as an audio book, read by Zhao Benshan. Friends and family can guess what they’ll be getting this Spring Festival, instead of boring old money!).

Engrossed in the speech, my Party spirit started to soar. My tender heart began fluttering so fast at Hu’s words of rich hope that it sent a deafening rush of blood to my ears… I think I may even have passed out for a few hours.

Dear sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress,

As a poorly-paid taxi driver in Beijing, my job is difficult enough normally but this week and last, it has been positively horrendous. For that, I can thank you and your colleagues. Now I have to keep all the windows closed, even if I’m smoking, check for suspicious passenger activity, monitor for pamphlets or “revolutionary ping-pong balls,” avoid certain routes like a Japanese tourist, fill out passenger itineraries and generally act like I’m a cabbie in North Korea. Any chance of getting a small pay bump for all the multiple inconveniences?

Shirtless Shifu

Sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress says:

Ten more years! Ten more years! Sorry, what was that? Hard to hear anything over my incessant chanting of ‘Ten more years!’

Dear sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress,

With the holiday season fast approaching, my question is: what is the best gift to give someone like, say, a junior environment inspector, who needs to look the other way while you dump something like, perhaps, cadmium, into a place such as, for example, a river that is – for the sake of argument – the sole water supply for a remote village. Would a nice watch suffice?

Puzzled in Pingguo

Sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National People’s Congress says:

As one of the few female members of the Communist Party at a parliamentary level in China, I’m often asked, “What do you think about the Party’s attitude to women?” To which I reply, how would I know? I’m only a woman, who’s a Party member at the central level, at the National Party Congress! Yes, I am joking. I mean, think about it: that’s just common sense versus bad reporting. It is tough sometimes, yes: I had to get my nails done for the third time this week, because I was clapping so hard yesterday (I forget what about). But, by the way, all you cynics, it can be just as tough for the chaps – I mean, some of them spend more time on their hair than I do! Oh, wait, hang on. Here comes Wu Bangguo: better touch up the lippie…

Dear sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress,

I’ve been watching the news of your latest Party Congress on CCTV and, despite the comprehensive coverage, am still confused about the role of the Chinese Communist Party in state economic entities. Care to elaborate?

Snarky Sinophile

Sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress says:

My God, I think Jiang Zemin just looked at me. Look, there, he just did it again! His tired old eyes seem to be positively gleaming. Now he’s speaking to a man in a black uniform and pointing urgently at me. The man’s coming over – I’m so excited. Wow, he wants me to follow him into a private, secure area round the back… and I’m not to tell anyone else. Of course not! I would not even tell my husband such important state secrets. Oh, OK: now I’m to remove all my clothes and step into this warm, steamy bath full of rose petals and traditional Chinese medicinal extracts, then await further instructions. Fantastic! Who says women have it tough in Chinese politics?

Last week: Ask a Chinese Olympic silver medalist
Next week: Ask Alessandro

Got a question? Contact us at cds@chinadailyshow

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By RONG REN
Politics Correspondent

Hu: wanted to pull an Obama, ended up doing a Hu

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – An explosive 15-minute speech at the 18^th National Party Congress by President Hu Jintao, laying out an explicit vision of reform in soaring rhetoric, had to be abruptly cancelled after Hu left it in his car.

Unable to find the lost notes, Hu was forced to substitute his potentially seismic remarks with a one-and-a-half-hour work report, sources say.

A precise timetable of legal, political and economic change, expressed in words of near-lyrical inspirational prose, was instead replaced by a rambling list of achievements laid out in bland officialese, while a blistering critique of the culture of corruption and materialism that has become endemic in all levels of government had to be swapped out for a 25-minute explanation of Jiang Zemin Theory.

“Hu was pretty disappointed, as he had hoped to make substantive reform his key political legacy and thus secure his place in China’s history, instead of simply being remembered as yet another heartless technocrat in a business suit and a bad hair-job,” his personal assistant, Lin Tao, explained. “Unfortunately, he left the damn speech in his limo. What can you do?”

Lin said it wasn’t all bad news for the outgoing President, however.

“Luckily, we don’t think anybody realized, except maybe Jiang Zemin, and the whole thing passed off without a hitch,” said Lin. “OK, China may have missed the opportunity to reform itself but the important thing is, no one lost face.”

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By RONG REN
Politics Correspondent

All those in favor of rocking this party out till dawn, raise your hands in the air!

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – It’s official! The Seventh Plenary Session of the outgoing 17^th Central Committee will be “even bigger, better and bolder than ever before,” according to early reports.

“This year’s plenary session will be so off-the-hook, I can scarcely wait to create a precise flower arrangement suitably honoring it,” wrote one giddy netizen.

And it’s not just a fan talking about it – officials are excited, too.

“This plenum will surely be the best plenum yet,” insisted plenum spokesman Le Keqiang, who added that he was looking forward to this year’s plenum – scheduled, as usual, for sometime in September, October, November, December or perhaps next year – “with tension.”

But the new plenum has not been without its controversy.

Political turmoil earlier this year saw the shock downfall of Chongqing politician Bo Xilai and his allies, sparking a major leadership split.

Meanwhile, organizers have had to contend with complaints from some critics that last year’s line-up was “flat and inspiring.”

Especially disappointing was said to have been a lackluster vocal performance from the Rural Social Development Panel, led by rising right-wing star Ling Bo, 58.

“They played the usual set without any gusto… it was the same old stuff: reform the household registration system, raise agrarian living standards, yak, yak, yak,” grumbled long-time social-reform advocate Zhu Yipeng, 49.

“Their new material – things about controlling the housing market and capping inflation – seemed derivative to the press and didn’t really get much love from fans, either.”

Peng has vowed to wear a ‘fucking enormous dress’

But a draft version of the line-up for the 17^th Central Committee’s final plenum suggests that officials have taken those earlier criticisms seriously.

Late Communist Party leader Hu Yaobang’s widow, an endearingly popular presence, has been drafted in to open the talks.

Meanwhile, headlining the second day is Peng Liyuan (pictured, left), the popular folk-singer wife of  the expected incoming President Xi Jinping.

The famed soprano, who holds the rock ’n roll rank of general in the army, is said to have a talent for reading crowds, Tang poetry and her husband’s email.

Peng is also particularly well-known for her hugely distracting costumes on stage.

Her syrupy set will feature a pre-approved playlist of “blisteringly mild reformist rhetoric and some nostalgic, leftist classics for the oldsters,” according to insiders.

On paper, at least, the eagerly awaited Seventh Plenum is poised to provide a guideline document for China’s continuing reform and opening-up process, as the blueprint of ongoing socialist modernization with Chinese characteristics– but, experts say, most people just go along to rock out and get messy.

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By QING DING
Ancestors Correspondent

Mid-way through the NPC, Major-General Mao Xinyu suddenly has a great idea for a screenplay

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – The grandson of Chairman Mao Zedong has spoken of his dissatisfaction at being the revolutionary Chinese leader’s closest living relative.

In an extraordinarily frank interview, extraordinarily promoted Major-General Mao Xinyu laid bare his soul to the media, saying that the public perception of him as being merely a “jovial intellectual” is only half the story.

“I’m actually very insecure,” he admitted.  “Because of that, I ignored the teachers at schools and my weight ballooned.”

Mao – who lists his interests as “philosophy, calligraphy and the multiple applications of lard” – also complained about the attention his famous grandfather bestowed upon him.

“Public expectations are too high,” Mao said. “I can’t even fall asleep in the National People’s Congress without people noticing and pointing it out.”

He blamed this insecurity on his grandfather’s legacy, which includes a man-made famine that left 40 million dead and numerous political purges throughout the 1950s, 60s and 70s, as well as some good stuff.

“In truth, you never know if people are looking at you and thinking ‘thank you’ – or ‘fuck you,’” Mao chafed. “To some, I represent the founding of a strong China. To others, Grandpa’s the guy that ruined their  life – and sometimes, that of their parents. And, quite possibly, grandparents as well.

“It’s different strokes for different folks.”

As a consequence, Mao claimed, he now has few friends. He fell out with one close pal, fellow socialist founding-father’s grandson Kim Jong-un, after Kim allegedly grew distant and aloof.

“Kim beat me at a couple of pie-eating contests in Switzerland – no biggie. But then, after he took the throne, he simply became impossible,” the warrior-like Mao seethed. “Just rude and downright murderous.”

Some childhood friends, such as the Gaddafis Jr and Uday Hussein, Mao has lost touch with. Others are simply wanted by international crime tribunals.

But Mao reserved his biggest scorn for the grandchildren of the much-loved late Chinese premier, Zhou Enlai.

“Zhou’s grandkids get all the respect that should be my birthright. Everyone thinks Zhou Enlai was wise, decent and upright but the fact is, he murdered a ton of people too.

“It wasn’t all Grandpa’s fault. He was actually right 70 percent of the time. People forget that.”

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‘At least I’m not the grandson of Lin Biao or Hu Yaobang!’ Major-General Mao joked with reporters. Both are now auto-parts assemblers

By WANG WEI
Politics Correspondent

The poll represents the final word on Chinese democracy

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – A global poll of tyrants, dictator states and banana republicans has shown unilateral support for developing nations’ one-party systems.

The poll, commissioned by Beijing in association with the China Ruling Oligarchy People’s Survey (CROPS), shows a distinct lack of interest in democratic reform.

Asked by CROPS to chose between “Western imperialist democracy”, “gradual yet persistent persecution by the state, beginning with bureaucratic headaches and ending with imprisonment” and “the current system,” an emphatic 99.4% of Chinese citizens polled chose “the current system.”

The results effectively puts an end to the long-running debate concerning China’s political reform, according to Foreign Ministry spokeswoman and part-time children’s entertainer Jiang Wu.

“This poll shows that the Chinese people are in direct agreement with the government. Citizens are simply not willing or able to make constitutional decisions for themselves,” said Wu.

“This proves what we set out to prove.”

The White House has declined to comment on the poll – a tactic some rabid Chinese analysts have interpreted as a tacit admission of the complete decline of the Western governmental system.

But US political analyst Buffalo Chambers told China Daily Show: “It’s simply presidential protocol in response to any inane line of questioning.”

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By XIAO NIAO
Rumors Correspondent

The editorial marked a sharp departure from the newspaper's usual rolling coverage of events in 1949

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Following its eighteenth futile call for unity this week, the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) today issued an appeal asking everyone to just stop talking shit for a minute or two.

“Unite under firm support in the Central Committee,” read the front-page editorial in the state-run gossip magazine People’s Daily. “Be more vigilant against the cancerous tumours of false rumors. Look, just shut the fuck up just for a second. Jesus.”

The article continued in a calmer vein for several sentences, making vague analogies to a Ming Dynasty blabbermouth who had his tongue cut out, before lapsing into a coarse diatribe against the “foreign filth” of the Internet.

“Seek guidance from the directives of the Party elders under the benevolence of our leaders,” it urged in the third paragraph. “Stop constantly using the ‘online web’ to keep making things so difficult for us. It’s a Western influence, actually. You have Xinhua, why do you even need Weibo? It’s giving us all a headache.”

The CCP has struggled to keep a lid on online rumours and Internet speculation following the removal of Chongqing Party Secretary Bo Xilai in March. Speculation has run rife on subjects as diverse as military coups and CCP disunity to Bo’s wealth, his wife Gu Kilai, alleged murder plots and bizarre sex parties.

The editorial suggested that while “freedom of speech is available to everyone in China under the constitution,” the legal system did not extend to the “spread of malignant false rumors” before issuing a series of thinly veiled threats, noting that “we know where you live, how much you earn, how often you sleep with your wife. So don’t fuck with us.”

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