By NI YULAN
Legal Correspondent

Dissident orphan Yue, pictured here in happier times

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – The conviction yesterday of a 13-year-old girl for “state subversion” proves that the country is making judicial progress, state media announced today.

Yuan Yue was sentenced to two years’ jail and re-education, after speaking up for fellow abused children, protesting conditions in her orphanage and asking for more gruel.

Yue lost her parents at age four, in an accident involving a Ferrari that left her paralyzed below the waist and technically wheelchair-bound.

But her orphanage was unable to afford a wheelchair, meaning Yue was forced to use a trolley with one wheel missing. Since then, educators say, she has been “nothing but trouble.”

“Asking for more slop after having had a whole half-bowlful was the final straw,” ranted chief orphanage administrator Mr Bangbao. “Before that, Yuan had repeatedly cried in public, told doctors she was being mistreated and even criticized the leaders.”

Welcoming the decision to detain and prosecute Yuan, an editorial in state mouthpiece Xinhua – entitled ‘Public Proud to See Justice Served At Last’ – boasted that the trial conclusively proved that China was “a socialist country governed by law.”

“It doesn’t matter if you are a street vendor or a human-rights lawyer, no one is above having their legal rights,” crowed the anonymous writer. “The behavior of the ungrateful orphan was highly suspected, so police paid attention to the case, seeking truth from facts. This proved that China follows its own path and is governed by rule of law.”

Top Party intellectuals were quick to agree.

“This trial is indeed a show trial,” confirmed Cai Zhekaofu, a senior Professor of Spin at the CPC Party School and author of the popular What The Foreign Media Doesn’t Tell You children’s book series. “It shows the foreigner that the central government is fulfilling the role of smooth development of the country and resolute investigation and shows China will not be distracted and the public opinion fully supports everything in this matter.”

Public opinion could not be confirmed at the time of going to press, however, as the PLA had wiped the Internet again.

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By XI MEITI
Western Media Correspondent

If you're reading this article, Shaun Rein has blocked you on Twitter

SHANGHAI (China Daily Show) – The Shaun Rein spinbot has been cancelled due to “complications,” a source in the Chinese government said yesterday.

A one-line statement on Xinhua, the official news agency, stated simply that the Rein has been “discontinued” and will be phased out over a five-month period. But others suggest the reasons may be more complicated.

Unknown abroad, the Rein is nevertheless familiar in Chinese media circles as a popular media troll. Its columns, which invariably regurgitate the government line in the face of overwhelming evidence, are produced using WuMao 2.0 – state software that most observers believe is hopelessly out of date.

“The Rein has served the Party well but modern times call for a modern approach,” said a WuMao spokesman who refused to give his name. “Our internal studies showed no one ever actually listened to anything the Rein had to say, anyway.”

Insiders point to more public signs of cognitive dissonance, however.

According to some reports, the Rein was briefly detained last month after being found “naked and masturbating” at 3am on the Shanghai Bund. Witnesses report the Rein was gesticulating wildly, while clutching a tattered copy of an infamous 2009 Pew research poll, which claimed 86 of Chinese are “happy with the government.”

“The cops had to gently prise it from its fingers,” said one eyewitness. “It was covered with crazy-ass doodles but the Rein just wouldn’t let it go.”

Sources close to the Rein explained that the bizarre breakdown was brought on by stress and an impending sense that it was being “judged by God.” But the Chinese government is also said to be increasingly displeased by the Rein’s descriptions of itself as a marketing guru.

The Rein’s China Market Research Group (CMR) describes itself as the “world’s leading strategic market intelligence firm.” But when this reporter visited its Shanghai offices, we found only months-old newspapers and an abandoned desktop terminal, left open to a game of spider solitaire. A migrant worker selling bicycle parts nearby claimed to currently be CMR’s chief analyst.

Sources in Beijing added that the Rein’s marketing boasts were embarrassing, even for them. “The Rein was only supposed to make absurd claims about the Party – not its career,” fumed one strategist.

Not everyone is pleased to see the ageing spinbot go, however.

“It’s a sad day, in some ways,” said Grady Einstein, a writer for the anti-Chinese US golfing magazine Fores. “Who could forget the Rein’s hopeless attack on Christian Bale? Its description of the Great Leap Forward as a “mass diet”? Its defence of Tiananmen as a vital training exercise?

“It’s going to be very hard for the Party to replace the Rein with something equally misguided. Thankfully, that task could not be in better hands.”

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by XIAO NIAO
Rumor Correspondent

This undated picture clearly shows some vehicles on an Asian street, possibly China

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – A water-cooler debate quickly led to widespread muttering, joking and microblogging in Beijing Tuesday morning, as a result of something happening in either a school, a junction or possibly a section of the subway, according to various online sources.

Within minutes of the scandal, crisis or Groupon promotion breaking, groups of teenagers, and possibly old people, took to their computers, to variously protest or support either the university admissions system, poor-quality scriptwriting on children’s entertainment channel Kaku or a possible military coup in Beijing.

City officials, the police and international observers have all vowed to restore calm, once they can agree on what is actually going on.

But despite the Ministry of Agriculture moving quickly to issue an official statement on grain production, the rumors have continued to circulate.

According to a source in the Chinese Politburo, maintenance staff are working round the clock in Zhongnanhai to fix their fax machine. The Diaoyutai State Guesthouse was also continuing to accept reservations.

Meanwhile, people across the nation continued to take to streets like Chang’an Avenue to visit museums, buy groceries and perform useful services in exchange for money.

“I’m absolutely outraged,” said single mother Han Wei, 32. “I can’t believe the government or private individuals are perhaps doing this to our nation’s children or adults. Either the authorities or grassroots organizations, or both, need to do something about whatever this is – or isn’t.”

Her feelings were echoed by 19-year-old transgender prostitute Kitty Wu. “This is an issue that unites us all, whatever it is!” she yelled at reporters.

Last night, in what many are interpreting as “unusual activity” in the news media, state network CCTV broadcast a three-hour news report on a Hubei corn farmer’s heroic battle against Dutch elm disease.

Many are now speculating on whether this should be interpreted as a coded message and, if so, what it means, and who sent it to whom, how, why, Hu and Wen.

Got unsubstantiated gossip? Contact cds@chinadailyshow.com

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By KUO LAO
Society Correspondent

‘China is like a Lamborghini,’ says Li. ‘Fast, elitist and mostly yellow’

SHANGHAI (China Daily Show) – A flamboyant plutocrat has lambasted Western “outsiders” who criticize China with little understanding of its complex internal dynamics.

Eric S Li, a Harvard-educated venture capitalist with offices in New York and Tokyo, says that most foreign people simply don’t understand ordinary Chinese.

“Chinese people are happy, sometimes even very happy. Whenever I see the guy who washes my Lamborghini, he’s always smiling,” Li said. “Actually, I think he’s probably a simpleton. I can’t understand his accent at all; it’s sad. His soap ‘n’ wax is faultless, though.”

One of the problems, Li says, is a complete disconnect between lofty Western critics, with their absolutist ideals, and the day-to-day struggles of ordinary laobaixing — the regular folk who really matter.

“When I’m back in Shanghai, I see Chinese people almost every other day from my balcony. And I interact with ordinary, non-wealthy Chinese constantly. The other night, I asked my PA, Lynn, who is Chinese, if she was ‘happy’” says Li. “She replied, ‘Very happy, Mr Li. Please, can I go home now?’”

“Those were her exact words. Not ‘I lack suffrage’, not ‘there’s no rule of law’, not ‘everything I buy is either fake or toxic’ — her primary concern was getting back home in time to wake up the next morning to come back to work,” Li recalls. “I was so pleased with her answer, I said she could go home early after she’d finished washing Ted, my Tibetan mastiff.”

Chinese people also don’t care about democracy, Li says, except when it comes to important matters – like Super Happy Girls, a reality-style TV show in which viewers vote for their favorite pop act. Li says that corruption is sometimes a problem.

“The authorities need to look into that show,” he seethes. “Oh my God, did you see who won? That guy, Duan Lixi? I totally voted for Liu Xin. That was so rigged. I mean, come on.”

Despite his fervent defence, Li concedes that China does face problems.

“Some of my friends do complain about inflation, inattentive staff and fuel prices. But them’s the breaks, I say – if you drive an SUV, you’re going to have to take a little hit on gasoline,” he said. “And you can always just hire new staff.”

Overall, he says, those who criticize China simply do not understand Eric S Li.

“China rewards those who work hard and know the right people,” says Li,whose father is a high-ranking PLA officer and co-owner of a Hello Kitty franchise. “I’m proof the system works for me.”

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With a retinue that includes two female chauffeurs, Li says he understands the pain of supporting an extended family

BY DAISY WU
Hollywood Correspondent

If 'Kung Fu Panda 2' doesn't win at least something, China's gonna be pissed. I'm telling you.

LOS ANGELES (China Daily Show) — It’s just over 24 hours to go until the stars begin walking down the red carpet at Hollywood’s Kodak Theater, and I, Daisy, start asking the really important questions – like, honey, what are you wearing?

But seriously, folks, forget The Artist. Forget Hugo. Forget George Clooney (I wish). The Iron Lady? I said – forget it!

I’m talking about whether our shorter cousins over the Pacific are in with a chance for an Oscar this year. I’m talking about China. Way I see it, they’ve got two shots: first up, summer bonkbuster The Founding of a Party, which– I’m told – is about some very old men in a room (yawn!) or The Flowers of Nanjing, which sounds like something a bit more for the ladies, starring dreamboat Christian Batman Bale and some other Chinese women.

To test the air, I hit the streets of LA for some old-fashioned “meet the public.”

Soon, I’m sitting in the bustling Hong Kim Seafood BBQ Restaurant, on Mei Ling Way, downtown LA, and let me tell you folks – it really feels like Chinatown here! Everybody is talking about one thing and one thing only –Jeremy Lin. But if they’ll just stop talking about basketball for one goddamned minute, it’s clear they also have one other thing on their minds: China!

“What do you think about China’s chances?” I ask one elderly diner. “For what?” he wonders, looking puzzled. It’s clear that no one’s told this senior about the big news this year. I slip him a dollar and move on.

“Are you excited about China’s chances for an Oscar,” I query a man calling himself “Josh” Wang, who’s smoking outside an office building. “Not really, I’m Taiwanese,” he starts to reply. Uh, what’s the difference, Josh?

Shaken by the somewhat bigoted – and often downright hostile – responses I keep finding on the street, I decide it’s time to talk to the experts. A short spin of my Rolodex (metaphorically, of course; these days I use an iPhone, made in… wait for it… yup, Hong Kong) and I’m in a cab heading over to the Hills for some top insider talk.

Sadly, when I arrive, I hit a wall: the reception is spotty, or something, because no one’s answering my calls. So step forward, Frank Marshall III Jr, who calls himself a “Sino-US Hollywood activist”. It sounds worryingly political! Frank invites me into his room, where he lays out the blueprints for an exciting proposal from the backers of that Founding of a Party movie, a company he calls “CCP.”

“We’d like to see them become investors in the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences and strengthen the bond between these two nations great, via harmonious cultural dialogue,” he explains over some jasmine tea. Hey, it all sounds like music to this reporter’s ears.

With a $5 billion sponsorship deal on the hook, the Academy would have to make a few changes – such as maybe renaming it the Golden Dragon Film Awards, maybe, that’s one possibility, there are others, cool it – but Frank insists the deal would in no way affect the impartiality of Academy members.

“They were already corrupt as hell before!” Frank laughs. “Don’t write that down. But seriously – Founding of a Party. That’s a great, great film. Did you see the bit with the Mao and the snowflakes? Pure movie magic.”

I haven’t, so I stay quiet. But I’ll watch anything with Christian Batman Bale, so it’s a dead cert I will at some point.

“This is a story about young love,” Frank adds. “A love between a charismatic librarian and his future wife. Between a traumatized nation and its future overlords…” Hey, Frank: stop talking about the Republicans. Daisy out…

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By RONG REN
Politics Correspondent

The LP cover of 'Waitin' For a High-Speed Train' boasts an arousing image of Bo

CHONGQING (China Daily Show) — Tributes were pouring in yesterday for Chongqing Party Secretary Bo Xilai, after he offered his resignation to focus on solo projects.

Once nicknamed “the Selecta,” Bo had been almost single-handedly responsible for resurrecting the mountain city’s ailing music industry, with a slew of “country and Eastern” records such as 2010’s The Red Album and 2011’s The Non-Gambler.

“I have enormously enjoyed working with the Chongqing Municipality House Band over the last few years,” wrote Bo in his letter.  “But we both want to go in different directions. You need more of the same. I want to go left. It’s time to move on.”

As the son of Bo Yibo, a revolutionary leader and one of the CCP’s “Eight Immortals,”  it was Bo Jr’s belief in traditional socialist values that first led a grateful public to dub Bo the “People’s Princeling.”

His dedication to social mobility, for example, saw entire communities uproot themselves. A separate interest in public housing, meanwhile, led to profitable collaborations with real-estate developers in the city state. Many compare him to a modern-day Robin Hood.

Together with Wang Lijun, formerly of The Police, Bo led a well-publicized crackdown on “black” elements in the region. “Chongqing had been infamous from the late 1980s for its gritty West Side gangsta image,” said local lawyer Li Xun. “Bo and Wang crushed this triad culture and revived the old-time socialist country music.

“They encouraged people to fall in love with revolutionary culture, all over again,” added Li. “Of course, by revolution, I mean status quo. And by encourage, I mean force.”

Folksy hits such as “She left me for a capitalist roader,” “All I need is this bottle of baijiu (and a Chairman Mao poster)” and “Take me home, Third Ring Road” even spawned so-called “red song” rallies, attended by thousands of pensioners lured by an unlimited lunch buffet.

Soon, television came reluctantly calling. At Bo’s urging, the smash-hit dating show How Much Do You Earn? was replaced with 1950s period drama Fiscally Responsible Housewives, which proved popular with the nostalgic 75-85 stay-at-home grandmother demographic.

But after Wang and Bo fell out – a rivalry bitterly anatomized in Wang’s heartfelt 2012 cover ‘Your Cheatin’ Heart’ – the hits dried up and the pock-marked princeling’s Chongqing salad days were seemingly numbered. Nevertheless, news of his resignation still came as a shock to many.

“Is it really true? This is big problem,” wept clothing vendor Hu Bai, who had just taken delivery of half-a-million Bo Xilai t-shirts. “How am I going to sell all these?”

Others pointed out the immeasurable loss to culture. “The music world hasn’t been this badly hit in years. First Michael, then Whitney, now Bo. Who’s next – Weird Al?” wondered one record executive.

China’s ruling party has taken the offer of Bo’s  resignation in its stride, however.

“Comrade Bo and the Party have fulfilled their duties to the satisfaction of the people,” said Chongqing Municipal CPC Committee spokesperson Wang Ke. “Now it’s time to cease all discussion of the topic.”

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As Momma always used to say: "Bo money, Bo problems"

Dear police chief trying to defect,

According to the old guy who comes by my apartment every once in a while, I need to register with my local police bureau. How do I know which one to visit? What materials should I prepare? And is it customary to prepare a bribe?

Law-Abiding Foreigner

Police chief trying to defect says:

A lot of people ask me, Wang, what’s your favorite color? I’ll tell you one thing: it’s not red! In fact, that color just makes me “see red” these days, if you’ll excuse the pun. Actually, I’m in a bit of hurry, so let’s make this quick.

Dear police chief trying to defect,

My friends and I need to take a break from Chengdu. Can you recommend a place where we can book a last-minute vacation, ideally as soon as possible?

Gingko

Police chief trying to defect says:

A lot of people ask me how I like to relax. And the answer’s very simple. I have my hobby, collecting interesting financial data about my friends’ wives.  It sounds boring and time-consuming but trust me, it’s not! In fact, a  surprising amount of people are as deeply interested in it as I am. In fact, sometimes I get so much attention that I feel the need to get away from it all. When that happens, I like nothing more than an impromptu visit to the capital. There’s nowhere more relaxing than Beijing in mid-winter. One call to my chums in State Security, and hey presto! The tickets are all sorted. Now, I really must be off. Maybe one last question.

Dear police chief trying to defect,

Whenever I see a  crippled beggar, I give them money because I feel sorry for them. Then my Chinese friends get very with me and say I shouldn’t; they’re all part of professional gangs making hundreds of yuan every day. But I suspect they’re all full of shit. You look like you might know a thing or two about gangs. What do you think?

Long John Silver

Police chief trying to defect says:

A lot of people are asking me a lot of questions these days! It’s enough to make my head spin. Where do you think you are going, Mr Wang? Do you have something you want to show us? Are you planning a trip Stateside? And the answer to them all is an emphatic, ‘I want to explain to the whole world the reasons behind my actions.’

Let me tell you something. I recently visited a travel agent in Chengdu (at great personal risk to myself, I might add). I had all the necessary credentials. But you know what? They gave me the wrong tickets! I ended up in Beijing again. The minute I stepped off the plane and sniffed the air, I knew something was wrong. Luckily my chums in State Security were waiting with my ride. Anyway, that’s it from me. I really, really need to leave. Like, yesterday.

Last week: Ask a Mormon missionary working undercover in the PRC

Next week: Ask a dissident who can’t get arrested

Send your questions to cds@chinadailyshow.com

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By Ruan Shili
Cultural Correspondent

The new 'GI Wang' remake has left male critics "stunned, confused but excited"

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – The set-up may seem familiar to film fans: a pair of  femme fatales, vast riches and a villainous male standing in their way.

But the Sino-side update of crime classic Bound (1996) will  feature “Chinese characteristics”: the plot now revolves around a pair of rival sisters, whose exquisitely bound feet compete for the attentions of a wealthy Manchurian warlord in 1914 China.

“It’s a much more interesting story than the original, which was about lesbians, betrayal and the Mafia,” explained Hong Kong director Danny Chao, adding, “The new version features rampant calligraphy.”

Chao’s film is part of a cinematic renaissance spearheaded by the Chinese government, whose plan to make China “a socialist cultural superpower” was unveiled at the latest Central Committee plenum in late October.

Aftershock director Xiaogang Feng is already hard at work on The Towering Inferno (Safely Extinguished), which revisits the  downtown Beijing 2009 CCTV  fire and uncovers the tale of an upright government official (Andy Lau) battling to save office workers from a group of disgruntled Japanese fireworks salesmen.

Other potential hits include Citizen Kong – starring Chow Yun-fat as a dying Confucian scholar, desperate for a last tap of former mistress “Rosebud” – and Titanic, an epic weepie about a pair of doomed lovers who meet on an “uncrashable” high-speed train.

This is not the first time Beijing has plundered Hollywood’s back-catalog in search of inspiration to revive its own flagging film industry, however.

During the 1960s, the rights to a numbers of Oscar-winning classics were stolen and completely re-shot to incorporate a Maoist aesthetic: the James Dean hit  Rebel Without a Cause became Red Guard classic Public Servant With Noble Intention (1965) while the retitled A Rickshaw Named Contentment (1967) arguably speaks for itself.

Many of these remakes went on to become extremely popular in China. Harmony on the Bounty (1977), for example, proved a huge success with both the public and the censors.

“Pass the scurvy!” declared the People’s Daily film critic upon the film’s release. “For here’s emphatic proof that the US piracy in the motherland’s South China Seas is no longer a match for a crew of hardened seamen with socialist longings.”

But despite the most stringent re-branding efforts, some of today’s remake projects seem unable to shake off what officials once called the “spiritual pollution” of their origins.

An early cut of Zhang Yimou’s Mr Lin Goes to Zhongnanhai, for example, recast Frank Capra’s 1939 feelgood classic as a cautionary tale about the dangers of political reform, with Lin — played by a thoughtful Guo Degang — now a disillusioned peasant-with-a-petition, shown regretting his destabilizing ways as he languishes in a black jail. Censors eventually decided the film was too uplifting.

And the Huayi Bros production Some Like it Hot Pot (tagline: “Spice up your Spring Festival with a little transvestism in your hogwash oil!”) seems forever bound for the cutting-room floor, after star Ge You admitted in interview that he now preferred wearing his character’s female costumes in real life.

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And look for the following at your nearest Wanda Multiplex soon:

Shaft
Not to be confused with Blind Shaft, this Chinese remake of the 1970s hit hopes to launch a new genre – “Uighursploitation.” Shaft is a wisecracking private detective who won’t stop till he gets his man — but after investigating a series of ethnic arson attacks, he agrees he’s better off just leaving the case well alone. A sequel, Shaft in Africa, is in the works.

The Godfather
This line-for-line indie remake of the 1970s Oscar-winner stars renowned character actor Alec Su playing an unusually upstanding Yunnanese Tobacco Bureau chief.

The Grapes of Benevolent
Has there ever been a better time to revisit Steinbeck’s masterful tale of a migrant worker family, fleeing the West across a lush Jiangsu landscape into the arms of a group of benevolent Wenzhou money lenders?

Get this and all your China film previews at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By Huo Zhe
Entertainment Correspondent

Jiang was in fine form Monday, even doing his famous Charlie Chan

BEIJING (China Daily Show) — Former president Jiang Zemin has ended months of speculation about his health this week by finally appearing in public to announce his comeback tour.

The celebrated owner of a pair of “awesome” spectacles was wheeled out Monday at the CCP’s Xinhai Revolution centenary party, where he upstaged everyone by announcing the release of his longstanding project: an English-language hip-hop album Jiang has been working for the last four years.

J-Z Reprazents: The Blueprints is an attempt to codify Jiang’s sometimes-baffling political ideology, particularly his Three Represents Theory, into a street language that resonates with today’s youth – as well as simply being a “banging rap album,” said The Source magazine’s China editor, Bo “Jangles” Luo.

“The Party regularly promotes a blend of Mao Zedong Thought, Deng Xiaoping Theory, Hu Jintao’s ‘scientific development’ and even Ice-T Thought.  Hell, Hua Guofeng gets more ideological airtime,” Bo observed. “Jiang has long been considered merely a useful idiot and decided to reclaim his rightful place in history the only way he knows how: via hip hop.”

Little is known of the contents of the album, other than a track bootlegged onto Baidu and quickly deleted. But one user who heard the rough cut of album opener “Harmony’s a Bitch” commented that “JZ’s rhymes flow like fermented soy-bean sauce over a sizzling wok of East Coastal city beats.”

For months, speculation has run rife about Jiang’s whereabouts after a Hong Kong broadcaster suggested he had died.

One newspaper even claimed Jiang’s family had sold commercial rights of his image to a domestic fried-chicken firm, who hoped to make Jiang’s trademark cackle as mouth-watering as Colonel Sanders’ smirk.

Now his recent absence from political life can be attributed to Jiang putting the finishing dope touches to The Blueprints in his Macao recording studio.

Due to drop in February 2012, the album has already gone triple-platinum on the mainland, with young Chinese pre-purchasing debut single “Ain’t No Motherfucking Flower Vase” in their millions.

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By Fu Xi
Futurist Correspondent

Gordo: Chang you can believe in (Image: Forbes)

NEW YORK (China Daily Show) — In his famous polemic The Coming Collapse of China (2001), Gordon Chang predicted the Chinese Communist Party (CCP) would implode within a decade.

Ten years later, Chang admits he was wrong — but blames the calculation on a faulty Mayan calendar.

“It was made in China. What can you expect?” Chang joked.  Now the Sinologist has gone back to the drawing board and come up with an ironclad set of new predictions.

“Depending on which calendar you use, China will collapse in the late half of the twenty-first, according to the Roman, or sometime next century if you believe the one this monk drew up for my astrology chart,” he told China Daily Show.

In his original book, Chang blamed a number of factors – including a spiritual vacuum, religious persecution, over-leveraged state banks and unbridled corruption – and pointed to a military confrontation over Taiwan as the likely tipping point for the CCP’s demise.

But for his upcoming tome Fear of a Yellow Planet (2011), Chang posited three fresh possible doomsday scenarios.

“While superficially China continues to grow,” writes Chang, “the nation faces many structural and developmental issues, as yet unaddressed, that will likely bring disaster in the next millennium.

“These include a vast and growing wealth gap, an outdated and poorly regulated banking sector, an inability to pay basic medical or education expenses, a dearth of graduate jobs, endemic corruption, constant censorship, an ongoing and unstoppable ‘brain-wealth drain,’ as well as chronic pollution and environmental degradation, all fueled by rampant inflation and a relentless provincial focus on GDP growth.

“Add rampant augmentation technology that will render many citizens unthinking lethal weapons and the ever-present threat of the Predator, and it’s a recipe for fresh government.”

In Chang’s chilling second scenario, China’s ruling party will simply decide it’s no longer worth it and wander off elsewhere.

“You first started to see this kind of political ennui  set in when Hu [Jintao] came to power and called off plans to renovate Zhongnanhai,” he said, referring to the Central Beijing eco-dome where most of China’s politicians are bred.

According to Chang, the CCP compound hasn’t been updated since Deng’s day,  its harem is  down to 400 girls from Qinghai and most buildings are in dire need of a fresh lick of paint.

But construction of a new 30-slide water park and brick-for-brick reproduction of Sanlitun Bar Street was halted in 2004, Chang says. China’s cadres are in real danger of growing bone-weary of constantly having to “save” China and its economy.

“Many of them want out. They look at Africa, at places like Niger and Somalia, and think: ‘That’s what I’m talking about’.

“Nor,” Chang added, “is China positioned to take full advantage of the upcoming Singularity.” This concept, beloved among tech-geeks, promulgates scientific advancement reaching such a point in the near-future that  humanity is essentially rendered godlike.

“The increasing speed of technological advancement will see Man transcend mere physical form to live as immortal beings of a digital universe.  But Anhui’s still going to suck.”

Chang’s final throw of the dice is the most likely scenario, and will probably  happen “before 4012.”

“There will be a ‘solipsism failure’ – call it a glitch in the matrix,” Chang postulated. “Everyone will finally become self-aware.

“If none of that happens, though, something else will,” he added. ” Of that we can be certain.”

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