By PING’AN JIEDAO
Entertainment Correspondent

Lieutenant Dashan of the Foreign Expert Squad poses for action, as a territorial slap-fight ensues

SHANGHAI (China Daily Show) – The first season of CSI’s much-anticipated ‘Shanghai’ spin-off has been cancelled, after scriptwriters failed to take into account the East Coast city’s complete absence of crime.

Plotlines involving corruption, sexual harassment and high-end ergotou were shelved after quality-control cadres for the State Administration of Radio Film and Television (SARFT)  cited an “insufficient suspension of disbelief” for viewers.

The news comes as a blow to fans, who had been hoping for a forensic examination of the infamous metropolis’s seedy underbelly. 

Instead, producers were forced to admit that it doesn’t exist.

Initially, expectations for the China-based crime drama had been high.

A pilot – featuring an arrogant British businessman foolishly attempting to molest a female kung-fu student – won high praise from critics and viewers alike.

“This is essential viewing for young, unemployed men. The exciting plot confronts a serious and very important criminal trend in China today,” wrote the People’s Daily TV critic. “Foreign criminals.”

“I liked the bit where she kicks the foreigner hard in the groin and runs into the arms of a nearby CSI inspector for comfort,” said CSI fan Ma Jingguo, 17. “That was particularly satisfying and realistic.”

The detectives at CSI: Shanghai prepare to investigate a high-level wok theft

Yet SARFT officials later lambasted producers, after details of the second episode – in which a city official forces a subordinate to dine at a Japanese restaurant with him – were leaked on an online BBS forum.

According to an internal SARFT memo, “The opening scene depicts the cadre leaving his duties to answer a personal phone call. He is then shortly after seen at a lunch banquet, drinking a light alcoholic beverage and encouraging his companions to do likewise.

“To depict top leaders’ behavior in such an unrealistic manner is hurtful to the image of the Party and offends the feelings of the Chinese audience,” the memo concluded with quiet fury.

It is believed that angry censors did not even bother viewing the next scene, in which the same Shanghai official sodomizes an unconscious male prostitute, before choking on his own vomit. 

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By LONG TAO
Spring Festival Correspondent

Grandpa Jin appeals for witnesses, by displaying a copy of an equally cherished 2003 copy of CCTV Chunwan that he just found in his shed

ZHENGZHOU (China Daily Show) – The fireworks are still exploding over the village of Nanren, Henan but for one family, there will be no celebrations this year.

The Zhou household’s enjoyment of this most sacred of Chinese festivals has been destroyed, friends say – by an act of theft despicable even by Henan standards.

As their neighbors ready themselves for the traditional Lantern Festival, marking the official end to the Year of the Dragon, the Zhaos’ lives have come to a standstill, as the 12-strong clan contemplate the whereabouts of a much-treasured DVD.

The four-hour film, a recording of CCTV’s classic 2004 New Year’s Eve Gala, – known as ‘Chunwan’ – had apparently been left in its usual place: underneath a pile of other DVDs, at the back of a closet, in Auntie Wen’s old bedroom, when it was reported absent.

“Grandpa Jin immediately raised the alarm,” said Uncle Han. “But it was already too late. That disc was gone, baby, gone.”

Grandpa Jin (pictured, right and below) says the DVD is all but irreplaceable, and contains such vintage acts as Brother Balloon – a  clown with the magic ability to craft balloons into shapes vaguely resembling animals – and a 20-minute skit featuring a young, married couple.

Grandpa Jin trawls the web for extant copies of the critically acclaimed Gala

“This was a classic Chunwan, made in the days before gay jokes. The good old days,” Jin explained.

“We have appealed on the Internet for replacement copies but to no avail. Clearly, no one else is willing to part with their precious copy of Chunwan 2004.”

“Some netizens even mocked us,” Jin added. “They still have the gift of laughter – alas, we no longer do.“

Local police have appealed for witnesses, in an attempt to solve a mystery that has baffled the Zhao family for an entire day.

“Who would do such a thing?” wondered one neighbor. “Seriously – who? I’m genuinely curious.”

Others offered their own theories.

“It’s probably been cleared up, along with a bunch of other useless stuff we never use. and chucked out, then maybe picked up by a passing vagabond collecting trash, or something,” said the Jins’ 14-year-old daughter, Peng. “I really don’t think we should get the police involved. We should just move on and forget it. We should definitely not dust for fingerprints.”

But Grandpa Jin observed that there was no other explanation for the errant disc than a criminal act of theft.

“The cops should tear this town apart until they find the devil that did this,” vowed an emotional Lao Jin. “I, for one, will not rest until the culprit faces justice – or at least goes to court.”

Local police seem to be satisfied that foul play is not involved, however.

“The one thing we did before this case was even opened,” said one officer, “before we even got here, in fact, was rule out theft.”

Follow the hunt on Twitter with @chinadailyshow or send tips to cds@chinadailyshow.com

Police take a break from the hunt by helping out with a little girl’s homework

Dear sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress

Today I came home from a very difficult afternoon: I had to fetch the children from school myself, because a large bookshelf had fallen on top of our “ayi” (nanny) and apparently trapped her there, so she couldn’t pick up the kids. This completely disrupted my Monday routine, which is normally to have coffee with a friend, then hit the shops. With traffic worse than usual, I decided to abandon my  shoe-shopping for the day and head home early – where, instead of a large bookshelf, I found my useless husband, Geoff, on top of the ayi. I’m now standing outside the door, watching them, wondering what to do. Any suggestions?

In Shunyi, still shoeless!

Sorry, I was miles away… thinking about Hu’s legs

Sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress says:

I’ve been listening again to the innovative 64-page work report delivered by President Hu (available now as an audio book, read by Zhao Benshan. Friends and family can guess what they’ll be getting this Spring Festival, instead of boring old money!).

Engrossed in the speech, my Party spirit started to soar. My tender heart began fluttering so fast at Hu’s words of rich hope that it sent a deafening rush of blood to my ears… I think I may even have passed out for a few hours.

Dear sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress,

As a poorly-paid taxi driver in Beijing, my job is difficult enough normally but this week and last, it has been positively horrendous. For that, I can thank you and your colleagues. Now I have to keep all the windows closed, even if I’m smoking, check for suspicious passenger activity, monitor for pamphlets or “revolutionary ping-pong balls,” avoid certain routes like a Japanese tourist, fill out passenger itineraries and generally act like I’m a cabbie in North Korea. Any chance of getting a small pay bump for all the multiple inconveniences?

Shirtless Shifu

Sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress says:

Ten more years! Ten more years! Sorry, what was that? Hard to hear anything over my incessant chanting of ‘Ten more years!’

Dear sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress,

With the holiday season fast approaching, my question is: what is the best gift to give someone like, say, a junior environment inspector, who needs to look the other way while you dump something like, perhaps, cadmium, into a place such as, for example, a river that is – for the sake of argument – the sole water supply for a remote village. Would a nice watch suffice?

Puzzled in Pingguo

Sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National People’s Congress says:

As one of the few female members of the Communist Party at a parliamentary level in China, I’m often asked, “What do you think about the Party’s attitude to women?” To which I reply, how would I know? I’m only a woman, who’s a Party member at the central level, at the National Party Congress! Yes, I am joking. I mean, think about it: that’s just common sense versus bad reporting. It is tough sometimes, yes: I had to get my nails done for the third time this week, because I was clapping so hard yesterday (I forget what about). But, by the way, all you cynics, it can be just as tough for the chaps – I mean, some of them spend more time on their hair than I do! Oh, wait, hang on. Here comes Wu Bangguo: better touch up the lippie…

Dear sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress,

I’ve been watching the news of your latest Party Congress on CCTV and, despite the comprehensive coverage, am still confused about the role of the Chinese Communist Party in state economic entities. Care to elaborate?

Snarky Sinophile

Sycophantic delegate at the 18^th National Party Congress says:

My God, I think Jiang Zemin just looked at me. Look, there, he just did it again! His tired old eyes seem to be positively gleaming. Now he’s speaking to a man in a black uniform and pointing urgently at me. The man’s coming over – I’m so excited. Wow, he wants me to follow him into a private, secure area round the back… and I’m not to tell anyone else. Of course not! I would not even tell my husband such important state secrets. Oh, OK: now I’m to remove all my clothes and step into this warm, steamy bath full of rose petals and traditional Chinese medicinal extracts, then await further instructions. Fantastic! Who says women have it tough in Chinese politics?

Last week: Ask a Chinese Olympic silver medalist
Next week: Ask Alessandro

Got a question? Contact us at cds@chinadailyshow

Follow exclusive coverage of the 18th Party Congress with @chinadailyshow on Twitter

Editor’s note: Yang Rui is the Managing Editor and Host of the CCTV News puppet-show Monologue, which  presents news about China from a Chinese perspective and in a balanced way.

Yang is responding to an article posted May 18th on the website of the Wall Street Journal, which was published without his consent.

“For a long time now, many young Chinese have taken it for granted that every Westerner is the same: same face, same funny names  (“Randy” LOL), same language, same obsession with the concept of rights.

But we put up with them, you know? We welcome them into the country and gladly receive their advice, their expertise, their technology – but not their “rights”!

A lot of them I actually quite like. But last week I made a horrible discovery – I watched a number of videos [Editor’s note: two], involving the apparent attempted rape of a young Chinese girl on the streets of our capital and a “dissing” shown to a middle-aged woman on a train.

The sensational nature of the empowered new media means that some isolated events can trigger strong public reactions. And I wasn’t going to miss out on that.

I came up with the clever term “foreign trash” and suggested, quite reasonably, that they should all fuck the fuck off back to their homelands.

Since then, many have chosen to misrepresent my words. Wall Street Journal, I’m looking at you.

Of course, when I said, “people who can’t find jobs in the US come to China to grab our money, engage in human trafficking and spread deceitful lies to encourage emigration” what I meant was “the majority of foreigners are friendly. They travel, do business and make an honest living.”

At the time of writing that May 16 post, it was late on a Wednesday and I was, naturally, pretty loaded at the time. Things often get confused, blurry and emotional around 7.30pm of a mid-week evening and this was no less of the case here.

'We're cool now, right?'

I’d like to make one thing clear, however, and that is the mischaracterization of what I said in Chinese regarding expelled journalist Melissa Chan. “Po Fu,” if you look it up, does not mean “bitch.” It means “shrew.”

The shrew is the most noble of the field mammals. Its kind, inquisitive and furry features often bring delight to my heart when I see one scurry through the corn, its cute snout twitching on its way to store more nuts for winter. In short, what is wrong with being called a shrew?

I hope I’ve got away with that.”

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Suspicions were first aroused after Yang demanded guests hand over their clothes, their boots and their motorcycle (Image: Lola)

By JONAS WHALE
Entertainment Correspondent

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Questions were being raised about rising standards at China’s state broadcaster yesterday, after a top TV anchor was found to be a cybernetic organism sent from the future.

Until last weekend, Yang Rui was the relatively unknown presenter of CCTV show Monologue, in which Yang interviewed himself via a series of eclectic hand puppets.

That all changed this week, after faulty circuitry prompted an online diatribe against “foreign trash,” with the host accusing China’s foreign community of being secret GPS-mapping spies bent on the country’s destruction.

Alarmed bosses at CCTV ordered a product recall, where tests revealed rogue Terminator DNA.

“It explains a lot. The tight-ass demeanour, delusions of grandeur and absence of personality… just how many of China’s TV hosts are potential lethal killing machines?” wrote Grady Einstein, a known agitator for the anti-China US golfing magazine Fores.

Residue tests for talent initially came back negative but doctors were alarmed by traces of titanium alloy in Yang’s blood, it was reported.

An initial X-ray showed a microchip stamped with the Cyberdyne Industries logo. Further CAT scans failed to detect any brain activity, instead revealing a low-tech CPU and hard drive, both riddled with government propaganda and viruses.

“Yang’s CPU showed advanced deterioration in his circuitry, which can manifest itself in paranoid delusions of popularity,” noted a programmer. “He’s more machine now than man.”

Experts posit that Yang may have been a prototype sent back in time by Skynet as a test subject, then later abandoned.

“An early T-600 model would certainly explain his lack of charm,” the programmer said. “Personality was a later update used in the T-1000 – the silver morphing one.”

“We think his arrogance simply overrode his primary objective: to kill foreign bloggers in China,” a source closed to the project told China Daily Show. “Yang is convinced he is human and what’s more, believes himself to not only be an engaging TV personality but also the voice of every Asian person who has ever lived.”

Yang is currently being de-programmed at a secret facility in Seoul, where he will be joined this week by  a sympathetic Rui Chenggang.

“It’s been a traumatic process and there’s still a long way to go,” one doctor at the facility admitted. “We’ve had tantrums and sulks and even an aborted attempt to terminate the entire nursing staff.”

Not everyone is convinced by the explanation, however.

“Everyone knows that Judgement Day only happened because the machines became self-aware,” tweeted Einstein. “That’s one thing Yang clearly is not.”

Follow top China news on Twitter at @chinadailyshow

By HAI SHANG SHILI
South China Seas Correspondent

MANILA (China Daily Show) – The most excruciating military stand-off since David and Goliath may finally be resolved, thanks to a tatty map found in an old toy chest in some admiral’s attic.

The map is conclusive, kindergartners agree

Following a tense stand-off between Chinese and Philippine naval forces off Scarborough Shoal this month, state media reported the stunning revelation on all 764 news channels.

“Got the bugger!” declared Admiral Pu Anyu of the People’s Liberation Army Navy, as nationwide broadcasts beamed the image of a moth-eaten map – drawn during a patriotic history class by Pu, aged four – live into the country’s unimpressed living rooms.

“I knew it was here somewhere,” the Admiral commented.

“I’m just going to have a rummage and see what else is up there,” Pu continued. “I really hope mother didn’t throw away all my Red Guard trading cards. They’re probably worth something by now… especially if they’re still in the original packaging.”

The CCTV broadcast swiftly cut to the studio, cutting off the admiral’s reminiscences, where a panel agreed the find was “Historic” – with two experts firmly agreeing and one violently agreeing.

The two countries have been at loggerheads over the rocks since last month, when Chinese vessels intervened to stop the arrest of  fishermen working in the 55km disputed area, located 132 miles from the Philippines and thrice that distance from Hainan.

The area is rich in mineral deposits and marine life, with the surrounding waters said to be bristling with horned sharks, bramble whales, dogfish, ratfish and six-tailed squid.

This week, China dispatched a fleet of eight lightly armed patrol boats to ensure that a Filipino fishing trawler, currently anchored near the shoal, doesn’t pull any funny business.

The US has also been unwillingly reeled into the dispute.

Pentagon officials were yesterday forced to deny any involvement in the escalating tensions, after a group of Americans, sporting buzzcuts and floral chemises, were spotted frolicking near a Filipino beach resort.

The possible presence of any off-duty US Marines has nevertheless discouraged China from sending further warships to ramp up aggression.

Adolescent youths and amateur history buffs on the mainland immediately took to their keyboards at news of the recent cartographic discovery.

Most netizens agreed that the map – in addition to a text message sent by a former Filipino diplomat to his Sichuanese ex-lover, and an offhand remark overheard at a Norwegian embassy party last month – confirmed China’s irrefutable claim on the region.

The scrawled crayon illustration by Admiral Pu clearly shows a map of China and its surrounding nations, with a line stretching across the South China Seas to a shoal of submerged boulders, near the Philippine Islands, marked ‘Hangyoo Iland’ [sic].

“The war’s over. Everyone go home!” trumpeted the front page of Thursday’s Beijing Daily, with a subheadline qualifying: “Except any Filipino maids – we still need you.”

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By Liang Mianpai
Education Correspondent

Li narrowly beat Johann Hari to win the 2011 People's Daily Excellence in Journalism Award

HONG KONG (China Daily Show) – A Tsinghua University literary professor was detained at Hong Kong airport after being caught with a laptop containing “vast quantities” of lowbrow US sitcoms and straight-to-DVD releases, customs officials reported yesterday.

Professor Li Xiwang (pictured, right), known to his students as Lao Shulian – or ‘Ole Hamsterface’ – has long taken a hardline attitude in class towards “vulgar” foreign influences on Chinese culture and is widely known for his self-regarding pomposity.

But he was said to be carrying several terabytes of downmarket material, including a complete boxset of The Big Bang Theory – a poor quality American series  immensely popular in China – when he attempted to march through security Wednesday.

According to a police report, “the suspect began fidgeting and sweating when asked if he had anything to declare.” After his bags were searched, police found a laptop decorated with purple glitter and Transformers stickers.

Xiwang initially claimed the material belonged to a student but later admitted it was his after a raid at his home found ‘Sheldon’-style clothing, multiple seasons of Growing Pains, and DVDs including Sharktopus 3 and Hall Pass.

Hardened cops described the find as “deeply upsetting.”

A so-called expert on Confucian values and journalism ethics, Xiwang has carved a highly respectable name for himself in China as a two-faced shill for the government, preaching media openness and universal values to the West while serving as an obedient Party mouthpiece at home.

This discovery of further duplicity is certain to cement his reputation as one of China’s leading academics, experts say.

“In an atmosphere of rank hypocrisy, abuse of position, plagiarism and conflicts of interest, it is very hard to distinguish oneself in China’s faculties,” said Fang Lu, Professor of Studies at Shanghai Number Four Catering University. “Professor Li Xiwang is undoubtedly one of the few to rise above that fray… and still remain thoroughly tainted.”

But although China has begun concentrating some of its expanding geopolitical clout on homegrown satire, the incident also highlights the country’s growing problem with poor-quality imported comedy.  Experts say Xiwang’s collection represents the  “one of the biggest personal hauls of sub-prime sitcom in China” and some are now pressuring the government to do more to defend the borders against lousy Western exports.

In July, a gigantic cache of aging shows, including complete editions of Married with Children and Charles in Charge — thought to have been destroyed by authorities in the mid-1990s — was discovered in a convoy “heading for the provinces.”

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By XING CHOUWEN
Entertainment Correspondent

Davenport is seeking the rights to new cuts of 'Driller Killer' and 'Last Tango in Paris' as well as 'Caligula' (above)

BEIJING (China Daily Show) — China’s official state television channel has surprised observers with the announcement that it intends to be the first terrestrial broadcaster in the world to screen the full, unexpurgated four-hour Director’s Cut of controversial 1979 film Caligula.

The decision is the brainchild of Peter Davenport, recently appointed as new creative director of China Central Television (CCTV), following 2011’s disastrous Spring Festival gala show, or Chunwan, described by one irate critic as “the longest suicide note in Chinese television history.”

The 2011 Chunwan fiasco, which drew all-time-low ratings of just 967 million, shocked executives into ordering a shake-up of the channel, long-known for its tedious programming. One top propaganda official was said to have flown into a rage after being sent a DVD of Chunwan: Complete Happy Cut as a New Year gift.

According to a source, identified as “one of the Xinwen Lianbo presenters,” the state-owned monolith held several rounds of interviews for the coveted post before coming to a decision. Davenport landed the job after surrealist director David Lynch was rejected as  “too close to the current chunwan style.”

Davenport, a UK citizen and former director of Channel 4 who was sacked in 2005 following allegations of sexual harassment, immediately ordered the channel to take a radical new direction, ditching tedious historical dramas, tacky game shows and dull news reports for more sensationalist content.

Caligula, which starred Malcolm McDowell, Peter O’Toole and John Gielgud, is an unusual choice for Chinese media, as the original release drew widespread criticism for its scenes of hardcore sex and graphic violence. After numerous scenes were re-shot in secret and pornographic orgies inserted, writer Gore Vidal disowned the project and almost every version since released has been incomplete.

“I’ve spoken to Tinto [Brass, the director] and Bob [Guccione, the producer]’s estate about the material and we’ve agreed on a definitive version at last,” Davenport told China Daily Show.

“Tinto is delighted that Chinese television will be the first to broadcast this lavish masterpiece and recognize its genius,” said a press release from Brass. “He’s particularly pleased that the long-misunderstood, so-called ‘equine scene,’ featuring a horse and two nymphs, has at last been retained in its full glory.”

“Are you serious?” was the reaction of Grady Einstein, Beijing bureau chief for Fores, a US golfing magazine known for its anti-China imperialist bent. “This is great news. I, for one, will be having a night in that night.”

Gerald Gould, a media analyst in Beijing, said the screening was “unprecedented,” adding, “It has certainly brightened my day.”

Davenport also plans to bring in new foreign franchises, with reality series The Real Housewives of Chongqing Municpality set to begin filming in April.

Producers Endemol were said to be disappointed when they failed to sell rights to their ailing Big Brother show, however. “The idea of an all-controlling faceless entity monitoring and directing the actions of a society under constant surveillance clashes with China’s Confucian values,” Davenport said. “I don’t think the Chinese would understand it.”

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By XING CHOUWEN
Entertainment correspondent

Chau is said to often boast of his prowess in private, friends claim

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – No sooner has Edison Chen announced his return to  singing than the Chinese entertainment industry is set to be rocked by another sex scandal, this time involving CCTV milquetoast James Chau.

Chau is best known as the presenter of CCTV News and Worldwide Watch, both shows recently implicated in a scandal involving a Minnesotan family forced to watch CCTV-9 during a purported ten-hour ordeal.

Chau’s woes were set to increase last night though, after a lengthy sex tape, featuring the host with three unidentified females, began doing the rounds on the Internet.

Lovingly deemed “the sixth fuwa” by admiring Chinese mainlanders, Chau’s unimpressive and effeminate physical features have long convinced an adoring public that the star is, at best, an non-threatening beta male. Viewers of the tape — which China Daily Show has seen excerpts of — report an entirely different impression, however.

During the four-and-a-half hour footage, Chau is seen effortlessly maneuvering between stand-up-69 and “downward-facing-dog”, and performs a number of other positions with practiced aplomb, including advanced techniques such as the “Horizontal Mambo” and the “Rifleman.”

“Holy crap, you have got to be kidding!” was the reaction of “Captain Tofu,” one of many netizens commenting on Mop and Sina, two popular Chinese forums. Other comments included “Go, James! I never knew you had it in you” (“zerogame”) and “Cute… his cock looks like a small, fleshy cork” (“Xinhua4ever”).

But not all reactions were supportive. Many fans felt betrayed, having taken Chau’s clean-cut image to heart. “I had taken down my James Chau doll from the firing place [sic]!” stormed “d67shu” while “ren6ren” complained “Too much… I never wanted to see more than his real head. Now brother has seen both heads! Fuck!”

Some also criticized comments Chau allegedly makes during the tape including “Screw condoms” and “You’ve seen one AIDS victim, you’ve seen them all, I’m telling you. Seriously, move on with your life, people. Chau coming through!”

Chau is the first Chinese mainlander to be appointed a National UNAIDS Goodwill Ambassador for China. A UN representative last night said she was unaware of the tape and could not comment further.

According to one former Cambridge classmate, Matilda Wu, Chau had a well-established reputation as a ladies’ man and amateur swordsman while at the university.

“He was known as ‘Hung Kok’. James was a total player,” Wu told China Daily Show, adding that Chau had also gamely agreed to appear as Mr September in the 1996 Cambridge Student Body Calendar. Representatives of Chau were unavailable for comment at the time of going to press.

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By JONAS WHALE
Entertainment Correspondent

The Beard family’s anguish is evident in this picture, released to media this morning. Both female Beards are receiving medical attention

SAINT PAUL (China Daily Show) – A Minnesota family returned to the US yesterday after enduring a ten-hour quarantine, during which all five were allegedly forced to watch the English-language channel CCTV-9 without pause.

But reports indicated the family’s ordeal could fetch hundred of thousands of dollars in media deals, after officials at the Guinness Book of Records confirmed that the viewing marathon broke all previous known records.

The Beard family nightmare began last Wednesday, according to patriarch Nathan Beard, 46, speaking at a brief press conference organized by legal representatives.

“We were wandering through the conference room at our Marriott Chongqing hotel when my wife began sneezing. She has a dust allergy and I don’t think anyone had cleaned the place for weeks,” Beard told reporters.

Within minutes of the sneezing outbreak, hotel staff had quarantined the family, apparently under the belief that they were potential avian-flu sufferers.

“‘You have the bird sick, so sorry,’” one of them allegedly said.

“After about an hour, two members of staff wearing surgical masks came in with a tray of sandwiches, turned the television onto CCTV-9 and left. They were very polite but refused to answer our questions,” Beard explained.

“After they left, we heard numerous sounds that indicated locks, chains and filing cabinets were being piled up outside  the door to prevent our escape,” Beard recalled. “But worse was still to come – we realized that they’d also taken the remote and the TV controls were out of reach.

“After about ten minutes, they started broadcasting Dialogue and Tian Wei’s face appeared on the screen. It was at that point that I began to panic.”

Beard’s voice quavered as he went onto describe a scarcely-believable schedule of televisual banality, that included the same piece of news footage about a bombing in Yemen broadcast six times within a single hour and an advert for the Port of Dandong which Beard described as being “like a zombie. That sucker wouldn’t die.”

Following a Chinese-language programme presented by Canadian TV personality, and alleged visa-dodger, Mark Roswell, aka Dashan, Beard claims his wife Sheryl, 39, begun complaining of a headache.

Three hours into the scheduled programming, 29-year-old son Phillip’s eyeballs “rolled back inside his skull and he began convulsing.”

Medical experts have repeatedly warned foreigners in the past of the dangers of excessive CCTV-watching, with symptoms including “frothing at the mouth, finger-pointing, unnatural optimism about the Shanghai Expo and the unshakeable conviction that the world outside China’s borders is borderline anarchy,” according to NYU psychology professor Ebert Wai.

Sheryl and Jessica Beard, both seven, are said to be in a stable condition in a psychiatric hospital.

And in an unexpectedly positive development to the case, Guinness officials have let it be known they wish to verify the Beards’ claims.

The previous record for watching the state media channel uninterrupted is three hours, held by Maine State Hospital for the Mentally Disturbed resident Ellis MacBain, 43.

Chongqing hotel staff yesterday refused to comment on the allegations. “We have never spoken to the Beards and we are not even hotel,” said Marriott representative Li Hu.

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