By JIHUA SHENGYU
Family Planning Correspondent

Yang looks forward to half a day’s maternity leave

ANKANG (China Daily Show) – A county official who forced a young woman to abort her seven-month-old child was today forced to finally give a fuck, after the rest of the country found out about it.

Fei Bi, a 48-year-old male official with thinning hair and incipient gout, ordered a team of five unnamed men to hold down Feng Jianmei and forcibly inject her with a poisonous serum, before sloping off home.

Fei’s dinner plans were spoiled, however, after a photograph of the mother, lying unconscious on a hospital bed next to her dead baby, were uploaded to the Internet – sparking widespread fury and an official investigation into the crime.

Yang was first detained by family planning officials two weeks ago and told to pay a 40,000-yuan ‘second child’ fine. Unable to afford the sum, the 23-year-old migrant worker was made to sign consent, while blindfolded, to the late-term abortion.

The news was created with disgust and rage nationwide.

Authorities have since scrambled to show the country that Yang’s case was an illegal aberration and not part of a widespread – and tacitly approved –central policy.

Family planning chief Fei Bi was reportedly surprised when officers arrived at his home and apologetically told him he was losing his gig.

Fei’s explanation – that he was only doing what he’d previously got away with doing on countless other occasions – was dismissed as “truthfully ineligible.”

Netizens yesterday denounced the incident as being merely the tip of the iceberg, as far as rural family-planning abuses are concerned.

But others pointed out that Shaanxi officials have answered a nagging philosophical conundrum, by finally put a definitive price on a human life – 40,000 yuan.

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By QU XIE
Dissident Correspondent

Ambassador Gary Locke briefly considers whether now would be a good time to drop the bomb

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – It seemed a rare moment of success for both US and Chinese officials: a deal to allow a fugitive activist, who’d escaped rural detention to seek refuge at the US Embassy, had been grudgingly agreed – all against a dramatic backdrop of trade talks and a media frenzy.

The catch? American diplomats have still to break the news to dissident Chen Guangcheng that many popular US institutions – such as equal rights, better education and Santa Claus – are not really true.

Chen is expected to begin his studies at New York University after China issues him with proper travel documents.

Speaking over the phone on condition of anonymity from the US Embassy this weekend, a diplomat told China Daily Show that they intend to break the news to Chen “soon. Not yet. Only when he’s ready.”

In the background, an embassy party was clearly in full swing: champagne corks could be heard popping, amid cries of “It’s go time!”and  “U-S-A!” over a Ted Nugent soundtrack.

The celebratory atmosphere was, perhaps, understandable.

The tense 24-hour negotiations had followed a fraught five-day diplomatic wrangle, which came about after an utterly unspeakable two-year illegal detention, that ensued because of a despicable four-year jaywalking sentence, all the result of a vomit-inducing campaign of forced abortions and sterilizations in Shandong province.

Beijing has hailed it as a victory for rule of law. The moment has been marked in the country’s own idiosyncratic way, with activists being detained and at least one foreign reporter expelled.

Many activists in China continue to hold the US in high regard – due, in part, to the ridiculously low regard in which they hold China. This can result in many believing that the US is a fantasy land where fairness and human rights romp free, experts say.

“I’ve actually heard some of them say that America is a beacon of truth, justice and democracy,” one lawyer admitted. “I haven’t the heart to correct them.”

Last week, Chen is said to have told Hillary Clinton he was “looking forward to meeting Santa Claus.” Friends now say this was a misunderstanding and Chen meant to say he was looking forward to “meeting President Obama.”

“One can totally understand the mistake,” the diplomat admitted. “A lot of American voters also used to think the same thing.”

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China’s Twatterati undoubtedly helped seal Chen Guangcheng’s fate this week. Here’s a round-up of some of the best ‘tweets’ that illuminated this daring story and saved so many lives.

Tweeping it real in China

USEmb8zzy: Chen Guangcheng is @chaoyanghospital. Safe & well. US-China trade talks begin tomorrow. Fingers crossed!
Romney4Prez: Obama administration gives shelter 2 outlaws and radical socialists @ChenGC in China!! Would NEVER happen under President Romney
Beijing_Daily: It’s looking like a lovely Blue Sky Day!
Sumyungguy: REALLY? Demand proof, otherwise US lies RT@USEmb8zzy Chen @chaoyanghospital. Safe, well. Trade talks to begin tomorrow!
ReporterTim: Am at @chaoyanghospital, getting antibiotics 4 chest infection. No sign of @ChenGC. Will investigate further
Sumyungguy: This is BULLSHIT! Conspiracy? MT@ReporterTom: Am at @chaoyanghospital, getting antibiotics 4 chest infection. No sign of @ChenGC.
Activ1stGrl: Just spoke to @ChenGC, sez not @chaoyanghospital, v :(, no US diplos, wz betra8yed by HClinton, sez hospital food suckz
USEmb8zzy: Looking forward to those trade talks
Sumyungguy: OMG!! Plz RT, RT @Activ1stGrl: Just spoke to @ChenGC, sez not @chaoyanghospital, v L, no US diplos, wz betra8yed by Hclinton, sez hospital food suckz
Beijing_Daily: Plans to reduce tariffs for HelloKitty pillows close to conclusion. Just need @AmbLocke to concede on colors
ReporterTim: Looking for @ChenGC at @chaoyanghospital, got lost in obstetrician ward for two hours, no signs anywhere. Nurses v unfriendly. Also, food suckz
Activ1stGrl: Foreign media lies! My friend jst spk to @ChenGC, sez @USEmb8zzy stole his sunglasses
Romney4Prez: Free sunglasses 4 all @Romney4Prez followers. Summer coming, gonna need sunglasses
Beijing_Daily: @USEmb8zzy must apologize for history, starting with Victorious War to Defend Our Korean Friends Against US Aggression (1950-1952)
Beijing_Daily: Acc 2 “foreign expert,” above war also known as “Korean War.” Apology still required.
Sumyungguy: EVERYBODY! @USEmb8zzy  has screwed @ChenGC, sez his food is bad, no reception on phone DO SOMETHING! Please RT!! RT!
ReporterTim: Finally found some cough syrup @chaoyanghospital. But no sign of @ChenGC
USEmb8zzy: Progress at talks, regarding UN security issues, Iran nuclear proliferation. Both sides v happy.
Romney4Prez: Obama has betrayed @ChenGC, Chinese blind lawyer with Real American Values. Day of Shame.
ReporterTim: Just had shit kicked out of me @chaoyanghospital 4 no reason. Luckily am at @chaoyanghospital
USEmb8zzy: WTF? RT @Activ1stGrl: My friend jst spk to @ChenGC, sez @USEmb8zzy stole his sunglasses
Beijing_Daily: The lonely clown busks at midnight, wiping away a hidden tear
USEmb8zzy: +1 RT @Beijing_Daily: The lonely clown busks at midnight, wiping away a hidden tear
Activ1stGrl: Just spk to @ChenGC, sez he made mistake, really loves @USEmb8zzy, nurse put his sunglasses in drawer! AW! My bad!
Sumyungguy: OMG, please RT, MT @Activ1stGrl: Just spk to @ChenGC, sez he loves @USEmb8zzy, nurse put sunglasses in drawer! AW! My bad!
ChenGC: In US! Can finally use Twitter. Hi, tweeps?
Romney4Prez: Obama administration has lost control of immigration, borders. Sad day for Real Americans RT @ChenGC: In US! Can finally use Twitter. Hi, tweeps?

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By RONG REN
Politics Correspondent

Bo says he hasn't felt this lonely since his days as a Communist Party official

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – A puzzled Bo Xilai wondered this morning why his daily beating has been neglected for the last few days.

Bo has been in shuanggui  – a special form of administrative detention, normally used to punish and interrogate corrupt officials in China – since late March, when he was removed from his Politburo post, amid allegations of corruption and murder.

But Bo says the last few days’ incarceration have been unusually boring, with his torturers appearing distracted and the sound of running feet, raised voices and slammed doors indicating that something more important is going on elsewhere.

Bo has reportedly been left alone in his cell all week, with nothing but a copy of that day’s Beijing Daily – which experts say could be a deliberate form of  psychological torture.

“He’s been banging on his cell door the whole time, demanding to know what’s up,” said one guard. “I think he misses the attention. He also wants to k now who the hell ‘Chen Guangcheng’ is.”

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By TIANTIAN XIANGSHANG
Education Correspondent

Fortunately, Chen will not have to witness such shocking sights as this

BEIJING (China Daily Show) –  Human rights workers have warned that the Chinese government may attempt revenge on blind student-activist Chen Guangcheng through a series of elaborate university hazing rituals.

A controversial deal, brokered by US officials, has allowed disabled lawyer Chen to join his family and safely attend law school, following a dramatic escape to Beijing last week.

The Chinese also threw in a sweetener: Chen’s wife would not get beaten to death, in exchange for the mild punishment of having to stay overnight in Chaoyang Hospital.

But many have suggested that Beijing cannot be trusted to stick to its promises and will come down hard on Chen, once US officials leave after Spring Break. Some reports even indicate the deal is already breaking down.

Chen is considering a number of tuition options, including the offer of a Baccalaureate in Advanced Metalwork at the University of Nottingham, but is said to be leaning towards continuing his legal studies at the Beijing Number 4 Law and Agricultural School.

After enrolling as an undergraduate, Chen can look forward to canteen food, 10pm curfews, dorm life, weekend homework and many other student delights, typical of Chinese universities.

But there will also be unpleasant aspects to Chen’s life on campus.

Insiders say the house Chen has applied to join – Phi Kappa Delta , whose motto is “Firmly Support the Central Committee” – is a staunchly state-affiliated fraternity, and plans are said to be afoot to greet Chen with a series of arcane and unpleasant hazing rituals.

“Forget chugging beer bongs. This isn’t gonna be panty-raid stuff. We’re going to hit this mofo with some serious, press-ups-in-the-rain, Code Red shit,” claimed an excitable fenqing freshman, who had recently viewed A Few Good Men.

Plans seen by China Daily Show include paddling, waking Chen up with a bullhorn and the odd mild beating.

But Chen is said to have supporters elsewhere on the Number 4 campus.

“I heard this Chen’s some kind of blonde activist,” said Dragon House fraternity brother Bai “Bluto” Lushe. “He should come here. We goddamn love blondes.”

Spring Break is traditionally the period in China in which underprivileged scholars and persecuted human-rights activists attempt to escape illegal detention. Chen travelled all the way to the US Embassy to post his application to study law and Hillary Clinton, in town for trade talks, personally wrote his letter of referral.

Government sources meanwhile denied Chen’s escape was a humiliation for them.

“The guy was blind and sick. How the hell were we supposed to know he’d get out?” argued one Linyi official. “This could have happened to anyone. Nobody saw this coming – nobody except Chen.

“OK, that’s quite ironic,” he admitted.

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Sample questions from Chen’s upcoming state-hazing exam

How many blind activists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Correct answer: None. Under China’s benevolent 2009 Disabilities Act, blind people are prevented from participating in any dangerous activities, such as changing lightbulbs, crossing roads or representing defendants in court.

 How long is the distance between Linyi, Shandong province and Beijing?

Correct answer: Many hundred of miles, across mountains, rivers and forests that often prevent decent authorities in the capital from detecting certain potentially wrongful activities being committed by a few corrupt cadres in the countryside.

 Is it legal for a Chinese person to escape his kidnappers and enter a foreign embassy?

Correct answer: While the legal answer is technically ‘no,’ from an extralegal point of view, it is extra-illegal for a Chinese citizen to hang out with foreigners and make a scene that might embarrass certain parties and hurt the feelings of the Chinese people.

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By ZHUO MICANG
Legal Correspondent

Chen is the Daddy Cool of Chinese dissidents

LINYI (China Daily Show)  — Rule of law was successfully upheld in China yesterday, after a blind activist fled  illegal detention, while his innocent family was punished with a severe ass-kicking.

Chen Guangcheng is an anti-forced abortion activist who angered authorities in Shandong province by legally representing victims of sterilization.

Jailed for four years for jaywalking, Chen was finally released in September 2010 and immediately offered a 24-hour concierge service by grateful cadres.

Despite the promise of never having to leave home, and visits from Hollywood celebrities including Christian Bale, Chen instead chose to hit the road last Sunday. He is now believed to be safely cowering in an unspecified safe house in Beijing.

Analysts hail the case as a victory for China’s strong tradition of Legalism.

“The Chinese legal system is obviously working,” said a Ministry of Justice spokeswoman. “Chen is now free somewhere.

“The foreign media’s continued interest in this story is a big mystery to the Chinese people, as the case has clearly now been solved.”

Down in Chen’s hometown of Dongshigu, however, there were scenes of angry recrimination among the dolts detailed to keep Chen under lock and key. Questions are now being asked as to how a blind, frail and sick prisoner managed to escape a supposed ring-fence of heavy security without being noticed for several days.

Security officers finally burst into Chen’s quarters Thursday, only to discover two pillows stuffed under a duvet, and several scattered copies of The Fugitive, Thelma & Louise and Catch Me If You Can.

“Ah just don’ get it, boss,” said one puzzled goon. “He was here, like, a week ago. Then this morning, he weren’t. Or was it yesterday?”

Local officials believe they may have figured out a way to smooth over the situation, however: a little-known legal loophole allows police to beat seven shades of shit out of Chen’s wife, father and nephew.

But legal experts warn that, complexly, the same loophole does not also apply to Chen’s  nephew, Kegui.

Chen Kegui is currently also believed to be on the run, after an apparent unprovoked assault on a group of paramilitary police, armed with shock batons, who are said to have stopped by his house for a cup of tea.

Meanwhile, reports that blind lawyer Daredevil entered the US Embassy in Beijing on Friday, brandishing a dossier of information on Bo Xilai, remain unconfirmed.

Last night all was quiet outside the American embassy, save the arrival of a delivery van from Fatburger.

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