Migrant workers are being advised to save money and not return to Changhegong this New Year

By RONG REN
Defense Correspondent

DALIAN (China Daily Show) – Until yesterday, Chanhegong was a quiet fishing village in North-East China near the North Korean border with a population of 160,000, known for its clear sea and mackerel fishing.

As of this morning, however, Chanhegong is now a giant crater in the earth, known for its strong smell of death and two-headed fish, with a half-life of 72 years.

China’s leaders have called for peace, calm and the resumption of talks this afternoon, after an early Chinese New Year fireworks display by the village was apparently mistaken for aggressive military action.

North Korean artillery rained down over 400 uranium-enriched shells on the small town of Chanhegong, Liaoning Province, near the Port of Dandong,  after its townspeople let off firecrackers, Roman candles and sparklers during a New Year temple fair.

Despite reports of the devastating attack on Chinese soil, top officials and PLA officers showed no sign of wishing to retaliate, instead issuing a statement maintaining its “firm opposition” towards nuclear strikes by its troubled neighbour and erstwhile ally.

“We will talk about this with [North Korea leader] Kim Jong-un, as he always listens,” said Foreign Ministry spokesman Li Fu. “Probably sometime after New Year, though.”

Tensions have been raised on the Korean Peninsula since the 2009 sinking of South Korean warship the Cheonan and an exchange of artillery fire over the small island of Yeonpyeong in the Yellow Sea. On both occasions, China, North Korea’s sole chief ally, refused to join in the chorus of international criticism and instead urging a diplomatic solution to resolving the tensions.

But today, world leaders are asking just what North Korea has to do to provoke any kind of response from its seemingly placid neighbour.

Earlier this month, two North Korean diplomats treated senior Chinese PLA officers in Beijing to an impromptu Three Stooges vaudeville routine, slapping their heads, calling them “knuckleheads” and repeatedly tweaking the nose of one general while chanting, “Nuk, nuk, nuk.”

The Stooges are among the Kims’ favorite comedy acts and are considered essential viewing in North Korea.

In December, Kim Jong-un is reported to have commandeered a Chinese border train loaded with birthday presents and driven it around Hebei Province. “He was tooting the horn, laughing and letting off gunshots into the air,” an eyewitness told China Daily Show. “He then kidnapped a dozen peasants as souvenirs.”

Both events were dismissed as “horseplay” by Foreign Ministry officials.

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By RENSHAN RENHAI
Crowds Correspondent

Organizer Wu is glad he didn’t made any plans to have a good time this week

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Billions of Chinese gathered during this week’s National Holiday at scenic spots around the country,  in what some have called the biggest mass protest movement of all time.

“We put out the call that if you were a Chinese person who is sick of all the bullshit, get in your cars, get on your bikes, go to the freeways, visit the most famous venues in China and just make your presence felt,” said Occupy Great Wall organizer Wu Daoyang. “The response was immediate and jaw-dropping.”

In Beijing alone, hundreds of thousands of Chinese who refused to be treated like compliant stooges any longer by a faceless state descended on venues such as Tiananmen Square, the Forbidden City and the Great Wall of China and simply did nothing.

Many chose to wear what has now become the trademark uniform of these peaceable protestors: white tennis shoes, fake Polo shirt – usually tucked in shorts – and a vast Japanese camera hidden within an even-larger camera bag, typically carried on the shoulder or  waist.

“It’s lucky no tourist was stupid enough to even consider visiting one of these massively famous sites during the busiest protest week of the year,” chuckled Xu Ming, a 35-year-old homeowner who explained that he was mad as hell and refused to take any more crap.

“That would have been the dumbest possible thing to do for anyone seeking a scintilla of pleasure or relaxation from their stressful lives,” Xu added, looking around at the jostling morass of concerned citizens surrounding him. “Especially when we’re all out here, making a difference.”

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By JONAS WHALE
Culture Correspondent

Conroy is now considering the consequences of his forgetfulness over a cigarette break

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – A foreigner who came to China to study the culture has admitted he “completely forgot” about last weekend’s Dragon Boat Festival.

American student Dwayne Conroy instead says he spent the last three days watching US television, instead of doing whatever it is the Chinese do to mark the holiday.

Conroy told China Daily Show that he has been “immersed in Chinese culture” for nearly six months but had still not been prepared for the annual summer festival.

“I completely missed it,” Conroy admitted, his eyes red with apparent emotion. “All the festivities. The traditions. All that shit… missed it all.”

Conroy blames his unusual lapse on the long-discontinued HBO series The Wire. 

“I happened to mention to a buddy of mine from the States, Carl, that I had never seen the show,” Conroy recalled. “He seemed personally offended that I hadn’t.

“The next thing, I knew he just turned up at my dorm Thursday night with a DVD box set, a carton of Cheerios and a bag of the good stuff. Then he said he wouldn’t leave until we’d watched at least two seasons.”

In the event, Carl stayed until Saturday, then fell asleep.

“Carl woke up at two that day, looked at his watch and bolted out the door. He left the DVDs behind, though, so I kinda ended up watching them.”

In the ensuing Wire-athon, Conroy admitted neglected both his studies and his girlfriend but says “all that’s under control” now.

“The one thing I can’t forgive myself for, though, is missing this ancient festival, which dates all the way back to 2008,” Conroy continued, looking sorrowfully out of a nearby window. “Man, I am such a doofus.”

Conroy admits his lapse of memory was particularly insensitive at the time, as the festival has only recently been retrieved by China after being stolen by the Koreans.

Conroy did at least make up for some of his remissions by preparing his own form of zongzi, the special glutinous rice dumplings usually enjoyed on Dragon Boat Festival, while adding his own “special ingredient.”

“I’m gonna bake it for my Chinese in-laws next year,” a bleary-eyed Conroy vowed for the third time. “It will most likely blow their minds.”

Conroy then paused to ask what he was talking about, before resuming his thread.

“I will totally get involved in next year’s festivities, whatever the hell they may be,” Conro enthused after a brief period of unconsciousness. “I’m trying to convince my Chinese family right now to race a home-made boat to Shenzhen.

“Man, I’m gonna love Duanwu Jie.”

As for The Wire, it’s unlikely the show will come between Conroy and his beloved cultural heritage again.

“It’s OK but it’s pretty darn slow,” Conroy complained. “I’ll probably just stick with watching quality stuff in future, like True Blood. Or maybe… no, I’ve forgotten.”

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By CHUN GE
Spring Festival Correspondent

Ji bought enough fireworks to supply a Guangdong rebel village for a week

HARBIN (China Daily Show) – A Dongbei man has defended his decision to spend roughly half his family’s annual income on fireworks, amid criticism that the country’s orgy of New Year fireworks is growing ever-more pointless and environmentally dangerous.

Ji Guang, a 47-year-old food vendor and father of three, admitted he’d dropped nearly 2,000 yuan on a box of 25 Deng’s Delight Catherine wheels.

Ji told media he also spent 1,500 yuan on Roman candles, plus a hundredweight of Thunder King firecrackers – described by manufacturers as “guaranteed to delight neighbour, shock the Grandma and terrify dogs and small children.”

But Ji denied spending a further 3,000 kuai on a variety pack of luxury artillery shells, arguing the true figure was “more like 2,800.”

Ji said that his proposed Spring Festival show – which experts estimate will last between three to four minutes at best, not including a week of maddening, post-Chunjie firecracker displays – will provide vital memories for his children’s future.

Nutritionists point out that, without proper daily doses of vitamins and protein, his children may not have much of a future.

“Fireworks are a vital part of Chinese culture, which it has fallen upon me to protect,” said Ji. “The children will be fine – the suppliers threw in a box of traditional instant-noodles completely free, as I’d spent over 5,000 yuan by that time.”

And Ji added that his bulk purchase also qualified the family for a corporate gift: a specially commissioned, limited-edition, natural chrysanthemum stone that he received at no extra charge, other than postage, packaging and a reasonable handling fee.

“This is now a precious family heirloom. In the long run, financially, it’s bound to be worth skimping on pork and vegetables for a few months when you consider the stone,” said Ji as he cradled the misshapen item. “Just feel its weight:  the equity on this baby must be, literally, priceless.”

According to his neighbours, however, this isn’t the first time Ji has made an extravagant gesture around Chinese New Year. Last year, he ploughed much of his parents’ savings into a doomed caviar-dumpling enterprise, convinced the rural Heilongjiang market was ready for luxury chunjie goods.

Most of his sturgeon failed to spawn, however.

And a crate of General Wu Rebel Rockets (4,800 yuan/12) Ji provided for his village’s Year of the Rabbit celebrations proved something of a damp squib, with many failing even to ignite. As one eyewitness recalled, “We were promised a fireworks orgy – it was more like watching a bunch of eunuchs.”

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The mouthwatering tradition of moon cakes dates back to the Tang Dynasty Patisserie Wars

By MAN MANCHI
Food & Drink Correspondent

HEFEI (China Daily Show) — An Anhui man has spoken of his remorse at consuming an unspecified number of moon cakes, following a recent party to celebrate the Mid-Autumn Festival.

Paterfamilias Wang Ziqi began starving himself 24 hours in advance of an  all-you-can-eat buffet organized by his village’s Party Secretary. Wang is said to have held a grudge after running out of duck blood at a 2007 banquet and told family members he “intended to get his money’s worth this time.”

But after paying five kuai to get in, Wang discovered the offer only applied to the cakes.

Undeterred, Wang tucked in heartily but began showing signs of distress midway through a 24-bun confit of minced lotus, wolfberry and donkey meat. After fainting twice, Wang finished the box but insisted on an after-dinner soufflé. He was tearfully admitted to the gastro-entomologist ward shortly afterward.

Moon cakes are a traditional Chinese delicacy, although they are normally considered a symbolic form of currency and rarely eaten. Luxury versions contain fillings such as Tabasco sauce, lead, mercury, gold and used razors.

The previous record for moon cake consumption was held by China’s Got Talent entrant Zhang Liu who, owing to a continuity error, was forced to visibly enjoy a smorgasbord of egg-and-pineapple cakes before passing into a coma in 2005.

Liu had survived a Japanese invasion, two famines, the Cultural Revolution and numerous car accidents before meeting his match with a box of the baked goods.

Wang himself remains confused but undaunted from his hospital bed, however. “What month is it?” he asked reporters. “June? Bring on the glutinous rice cakes.”

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