By XIAO NIAO
Rumors Correspondent

You have the full transcript of Wen Jiabao discussing holiday plans? Just leave it on my desk

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Senior Politburo members ordered Bo Xilai’s removal after learning that he had eavesdropped on every tiresome aspect of their personal lives, sources have revealed.

Disgraced former leader Bo ran a widespread wiretapping operation that extended up to China’s president, it has recently been claimed.

When top leaders learned of his activities, they were mortified to realize that Bo knew every dull detail about their lives: from how they shampooed their carpets to the subjects – but not the grades or teacher’s comments – on their high-school reports.

President Hu Jintao’s right eyebrow is said to have started quivering slightly, after learning that details of his two-hour daily nosehair-plucking regimen had been overheard and ruthlessly ridiculed by Chongqing security police.

An exhausting 300,000-word dossier, available as a seemingly endless pdf, was delivered to the nine-member Standing Committee in early March, where each was embarrassed to learn of the others’ desperately dreary private lives.

Bo’s wiretaps were initiated as an anti-crime crackdown in Chongqing but soon widened, in order to pull in dirt on fellow politicians – as well as to see whose alliances lay where.

The flamboyant Bo had hoped to build up a J Edgar Hoover-style dossier on his rivals that would make him politically unassailable.

But the operation went into decline, after Bo learned that his surveillance team needed to switch shifts every two hours just in order to stay awake. “What is this vanilla bullshit?” Bo was overheard roaring at a meeting with top policeman Wang Lijun. “Get me the good stuff!”

“There’s only so much information you can do with the knowledge that Zhou Yangkang’s hair dye causes his scalp irritation, due to a mild soap allergy,” said a senior academic with close ties to the Party. “Other than to offer an aloe vera alternative.”

The details that have emerged from the wiretaps are already being described as “political Valium.”

Party spokeswoman Jiang Yu spends most of her nights reading and annotating reports from the Foreign Ministry, except on Thursdays when she attends Marxism classes, for example. Foreign minister Yang Jiechi prefers to makes visits to his elderly mother on the second Sunday of every month – the meets are described as “mostly uneventful.”

Bo did hit paydirt last December, it has been revealed, when operatives tapping Jiang Zemin’s phone finally learned the secret recipe for his ‘Seven Treasures’ dumplings.

Bo was adamant he wanted all the details on the Li Keqiang fisting rumors

“Bo’s wife, Gu, served Jiang his own dumplings when he visited,” an eyewitness claimed. “Jiang stopped chewing and his eyes widened for a second. But when he realized he hadn’t been poisoned, he finished the meal with relish.”

Bo was removed from his post in April and his secret files have since been dumped in an academic recycling plant in Chengdu.

“It’s all very humdrum stuff, not interesting at all,” said a top Party academic. “This is the main reason Chinese media doesn’t write anything about the private lives of the top leaders.”

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By Fu Ren
Crime Correspondent

Officials warn that the Batsignal is a form of dangerous air pollution, punishable by death

CHONGQING (China Daily Show) – Following the removal of two of China’s leading crimefighters, an exasperated public has turned to Batman for help in the endless fight against corruption.

“Only a tortured playboy, whose parents were taken from him at a young age and who then swore to fight back against the very thing that stole them, can save us now,” said one exasperated Chongqing resident.

Last night, however, 24-year-old Bo Guagua was nowhere to be seen. Nor was there any sign of the Bo-mobile, a gleaming red Ferrari often seeing racing to the scene of an urgent date.

Bo’s faithful manservant, a paternalistic Englishman known only as Neil, has also not been sighted for many months, neighbours say.

“Guagua cannot be Bruce Wayne of China,” said a nearby resident. “Bruce Wayne was just a billionaire who lead a callow life of non-stop partying, a clever subterfuge for his secret existence. But he never received any scholarships.”

In China’s Gotham City, Chongqing, the mood is ugly.

Corruption is rife, with many top officials saying they won’t get out of bed for less than 10,000 yuan. A police crackdown in 2009 led to hundreds of arrests for graft; one former mayor is said to have  had 8,000 iPads buried under his garden pond.

“No one needs that many iPads,” observed a senior prosecutor.

But Bo Xilai and Wang Lijun, the gangbusting pair who both swore to break the city’s mafia stranglehold, have since vanished – believed snatched by arch-nemesis “the Party.”

Earlier this months, thousands of citizens took to the streets to demand Batman’s help. Many say that only an anonymous and unaccountable figure, such as Batman, would be suitable to enforce proper rule of law in China.

Batman's last appearance in China angered local goons

The country has not had a proper vigilante since the golden days of the Maoman, an obese hero said to have been “faster than a speeding rickshaw and able to swim the Yangtze River in a single stroke.”

Maoman’s urgent 1950s purges rid the streets of many citizens – some of whom might have been criminals at some point, experts say. Chongqing citizens say they need the Maoman or his ilk back.

“A tough-talking out-of-town cop, whose maverick style bent the wrong noses out of shape?” one taxi driver told our reporter. “I don’t know who this ‘Commissioner Jim Gordon’ you speak of is –but that sounds a lot like Wang Lijun.”

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By Xiao Niao
Rumors Correspondent

A new photograph of Neil Heywood has emerged that appears to show him reporting live from Chongqing

CHONGQING (China Daily Show) – Foreign media was last night scrambling to find a credible source for a series of sensational allegations made on Chinese websites that suggest Neil Heywood was actually killed by a foreign-intelligence dwarf.

The claims were made on Redrants.com, an offshore Maoist forum that has continually claimed deposed politician Bo Xilai was the victim of a frame-up by Chinese Communist Party (CCP) officials.

Citing sources deep within the circus community, Redrants says that British businessman Heywood was in fact killed by a “poison dwarf” hired by the CIA on the orders of UK Prime Minister David Cameron.

“The dwarf did the bidding on the word of the lizard Cameron, we are told,” said the explosive article, which has already received several ‘likes.’

“Afterwards, he ate all the evidence and crept back out. Then the evil mini-me planted hundreds of documents and billions of dollars into the house and bank accounts of Gu Kailai, while she peacefully slept, unaware of the Black Paw.”

Gu is Bo’s wife, who stands accused by the CCP of murdering Heywood over an “economic dispute.”

If true, the stunning accusations would explain  delays by the UK Foreign Office in requesting an official investigation into Heywood’s demise in Chongqing last November, as well as bolstering the claims of China’s beleaguered neo-Maoist faction. If false, it will be extremely disappointing.

“This information is stunning, an absolute game-changer,” said political media analyst Charles Ding. “All it lacks is any evidence.”

But one Chinese official was more than happy to go on the record as saying the claims were definitely false.

“This definitely contradicts the evidence that we’ve been making up,” said junior Chongqing Banyan Ministry cadre Ting Luo. “Please stick to our story.”

Whatever the case, the awesome new allegations will certainly provide fresh grist to the mill for hundreds of foreign journalists, many desperate to put food on the table by providing anxious desk editors with fresh Heywood bombshells.

“This should keep us going for weeks,” chuckled one British reporter. “It’ll probably cost Cameron the dwarf vote as well.”

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Got unsubstantiated gossip? Contact cds@chinadailyshow.com

By RONG REN
Politics Correspondent

Bo told co-workers he'd be back next Monday and they could all have the rest of the week off

CHONGQING – (China Daily Show) Flamboyant politician Bo Xilai has stunned Politburo members by dramatically attempting to return to work as if nothing had happened.

The former Chongqing Party Secretary was stripped of his post earlier this month, and last night state media announced Bo had committed “serious discipline violations.” Investigators have also re-opened the case of Neil Heywood, a British businessman linked to Bo’s family who died in unusual circumstances last November.

Despite this, co-workers were shocked this morning to see Bo blithely stroll into the offices of the Chongqing Municipality Administrative Affairs Bureau, complaining that his card wasn’t working.

Bo then burst into the office of his dozing replacement Zhang Dejiang and demanded to know what he was doing.

“It was chaos,” said one eyewitness. “Zhang was stammering and sweating, and kept trying to tuck in his shirt and adjust his glasses. But Bo bitch-slapped him twice, then ordered him to pick up four lattes from downstairs – and to get a receipt this time.”

Bo resumed office for a full 36 minutes.

In that short time, the charismatic Maoist ex-leader ordered all universities be closed, sacked the city’s entire Scientific Development Unit and replaced them with a team of hard-working farmers, and urged the proletariat to rise up and challenge officials for their lack of revolutionary zeal and general bourgeois sleaziness.

“We got to work immediately!” said HR manager Lucy Xiu. “I quickly launched an struggle session with my landlord and managed to get our deposit back.”

Order was restored only when a security team arrived from Beijing. After writing a short self-criticism, Bo agreed to leave but promised he’d return shortly.

“I first thought Bo had been properly restituted or maybe even pulled off a coup,” admitted one intern. “But after I checked the Internet and saw there were no rumours, I knew it was probably a hoax. Didn’t stop me from attacking my professor, though.”

Bo’s audacious move has won admirers in some quarters.

“He has the foreigner style,” said one Western-educated secretary. “I think Bo must have been trying to do a ‘George’” – a reference to the classic Seinfeld episode in which George Constanza dramatically quits his job, then attempts to bluff his way back. In China, this is sometimes known as “pulling a rehabilitated cadre after political purge.”

In the sitcom, George is eventually fired; in real life, however, Bo was wheeled out of the office in a hockey mask, strapped to a gurney, and placed in an unmarked van, where he faces months of elaborate, ritualistic and ultimately tedious interrogation.

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A special China Daily Show investigation

Spy? Businessman? Bagman? Murdered? Hungover? We could go on

BEIJING, CHENGDU, DALIAN (China Daily Show) – The encrypted telegram came in the early hours of the morning. “Mate, I’m sorry about last night…” it began. The implication, though, was obvious: 41-year-old Neil Heywood’s death in a Chongqing hotel room in the twilight hours of a balmy November night was no accident.

It was murder.

Most probably.

To try to uncover  the  truth, our anonymous investigative team set out to China. But in modern-day China, under a secrecy-obsessed Communist regime, the truth is rarely pure and never simple.

We flew to Dalian, the eco port-city in northern China, where the deposed Politburo member Bo Xilai is first said to have met Heywood, a British businessman who did business things in China.

Residents seemed to just go about their business blithely, seemingly unaware that, just years previously, at some location somewhere in this modern coastal city, Bo was introduced to Heywood, likely shaking his hand, neither aware they had just made a fateful pact that would end in corruption, double-dealing, death – and hot, steamy sex.

Most people we spoke to either didn’t know what we were talking about – or weren’t saying. The atmosphere of intrigue and silence was claustrophobic. There was no sign of any Harrow-educated, Aston Martin-driving expats anywhere to be seen.

Rattled, we departed for Chongqing, determined not to give up until we had at least one good, juicy, vague, anonymous quote.

Chongqing, the mountain megacity of 30 million, nestled next to the sensitive border regions of Tibet, is a sizzling hotbed of crime, criminals and criminality, with a dash of sleaze. Yet on our visit, a pervasive wall of silence met our inquiries, according to our interpreter.

It is in Chongqing, where Bo was Party Secretary, that the shadowy Heywood may have helped Bo’s son, Bo Guagua, learn English, and aided his entrance to Harrow School, by turning up with a big bag of money and asking if Bo Guagua could go to Harrow School.

But Heywood’s life here was so secretive, he didn’t even have a Facebook account, making it near-impossible to find out what he was up to.

According to reports, Bo’s wife, Gu Kailai, ordered the intelligence-affiliated Heywood to divorce his wife and swear an oath of fealty to the Bos. When Heywood nobly refused, he was immediately killed – one year later.

“It’s obvious, innit?” said an Englishman who claimed to have met Heywood briefly in a hotel bar but who refused to give his name, for possible fear that he may be in danger. “He was givin’ ’er one. Then the ’usband found out and… I mean, why else would you ask for ’im to divorce? Stands to reason. Yeah.”

Armed with this stunning revelation, we returned to Beijing. But as Heywood’s family continues to tearfully protest that he died of natural causes from a congenital heart condition, the suspicious environment on the streets of the capital tell a different story.

A smoggy cloud covers up the spring sky and a chill wind of fear runs through its narrow hutong avenues – an Englishman died somewhere in these strange lands and we can only speculate and conjecture as to why and how. And that is what we will continue to do, until something else comes along.

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Official Report

By GONG CHANDANG
Communications Correspondent

BEIJING (Ministry of Truthfulness) – A long time ago, in a country far away, in China, there lived a great poet called Qu Yuan, who made the Spring and Autumn Period (770-481 BC) most pleasant with his lyrical verses, until the time came for him to kill himself. He jumped in a river. This was his choice that he made after losing his political power, or some say he killed himself also.

Qu thought that imperial assassins would arrange for his timely suicide by drowning him in a river. This he wrote himself in a poem before he died, but after he was already in exile from the Emperor in Peking. But some people say that this poem was actually a fake suicide note, written by political enemies at the time.

Whereas fear of knowing the truth may prevent us from seeing the proper conclusions for the correct development of China, which must happen in the right way. Actually, it is clear from “the evidence” in some Western media reports what the foreign elements would wish to see happen. The dangers of so-called political reform are now obvious, the Chinese people have decided.

For those who do not grasp obvious truths, we must add: a former policeman in a city with a warm, Southern climate is the “poet.” The river is also known as a  “safe house” in a  “beautiful country.” The phony found in his suicide “poem” is passed on by certain small internal elements, hostile to this country, in a “microblogging” format. The Chinese people will not be easily fooled.

Relevant departments have determined the truthful results. Last week, there was the time for reflecting. Now we must immediately concern ourselves with the “moving on.” An investigation is conducted to determine the good of the Party, the country and finally the people, which is in control of this very serious incident, so that certain parties must endure direct, full and final responsibility. It is very clear now.

The city of Chongqing was feeling different. Let us hope it gets better soon.

Reprinted with kind permission from the Ministry of Truthfulness

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By RONG REN
Politics Correspondent

The LP cover of 'Waitin' For a High-Speed Train' boasts an arousing image of Bo

CHONGQING (China Daily Show) — Tributes were pouring in yesterday for Chongqing Party Secretary Bo Xilai, after he offered his resignation to focus on solo projects.

Once nicknamed “the Selecta,” Bo had been almost single-handedly responsible for resurrecting the mountain city’s ailing music industry, with a slew of “country and Eastern” records such as 2010’s The Red Album and 2011’s The Non-Gambler.

“I have enormously enjoyed working with the Chongqing Municipality House Band over the last few years,” wrote Bo in his letter.  “But we both want to go in different directions. You need more of the same. I want to go left. It’s time to move on.”

As the son of Bo Yibo, a revolutionary leader and one of the CCP’s “Eight Immortals,”  it was Bo Jr’s belief in traditional socialist values that first led a grateful public to dub Bo the “People’s Princeling.”

His dedication to social mobility, for example, saw entire communities uproot themselves. A separate interest in public housing, meanwhile, led to profitable collaborations with real-estate developers in the city state. Many compare him to a modern-day Robin Hood.

Together with Wang Lijun, formerly of The Police, Bo led a well-publicized crackdown on “black” elements in the region. “Chongqing had been infamous from the late 1980s for its gritty West Side gangsta image,” said local lawyer Li Xun. “Bo and Wang crushed this triad culture and revived the old-time socialist country music.

“They encouraged people to fall in love with revolutionary culture, all over again,” added Li. “Of course, by revolution, I mean status quo. And by encourage, I mean force.”

Folksy hits such as “She left me for a capitalist roader,” “All I need is this bottle of baijiu (and a Chairman Mao poster)” and “Take me home, Third Ring Road” even spawned so-called “red song” rallies, attended by thousands of pensioners lured by an unlimited lunch buffet.

Soon, television came reluctantly calling. At Bo’s urging, the smash-hit dating show How Much Do You Earn? was replaced with 1950s period drama Fiscally Responsible Housewives, which proved popular with the nostalgic 75-85 stay-at-home grandmother demographic.

But after Wang and Bo fell out – a rivalry bitterly anatomized in Wang’s heartfelt 2012 cover ‘Your Cheatin’ Heart’ – the hits dried up and the pock-marked princeling’s Chongqing salad days were seemingly numbered. Nevertheless, news of his resignation still came as a shock to many.

“Is it really true? This is big problem,” wept clothing vendor Hu Bai, who had just taken delivery of half-a-million Bo Xilai t-shirts. “How am I going to sell all these?”

Others pointed out the immeasurable loss to culture. “The music world hasn’t been this badly hit in years. First Michael, then Whitney, now Bo. Who’s next – Weird Al?” wondered one record executive.

China’s ruling party has taken the offer of Bo’s  resignation in its stride, however.

“Comrade Bo and the Party have fulfilled their duties to the satisfaction of the people,” said Chongqing Municipal CPC Committee spokesperson Wang Ke. “Now it’s time to cease all discussion of the topic.”

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As Momma always used to say: "Bo money, Bo problems"

Dear police chief trying to defect,

According to the old guy who comes by my apartment every once in a while, I need to register with my local police bureau. How do I know which one to visit? What materials should I prepare? And is it customary to prepare a bribe?

Law-Abiding Foreigner

Police chief trying to defect says:

A lot of people ask me, Wang, what’s your favorite color? I’ll tell you one thing: it’s not red! In fact, that color just makes me “see red” these days, if you’ll excuse the pun. Actually, I’m in a bit of hurry, so let’s make this quick.

Dear police chief trying to defect,

My friends and I need to take a break from Chengdu. Can you recommend a place where we can book a last-minute vacation, ideally as soon as possible?

Gingko

Police chief trying to defect says:

A lot of people ask me how I like to relax. And the answer’s very simple. I have my hobby, collecting interesting financial data about my friends’ wives.  It sounds boring and time-consuming but trust me, it’s not! In fact, a  surprising amount of people are as deeply interested in it as I am. In fact, sometimes I get so much attention that I feel the need to get away from it all. When that happens, I like nothing more than an impromptu visit to the capital. There’s nowhere more relaxing than Beijing in mid-winter. One call to my chums in State Security, and hey presto! The tickets are all sorted. Now, I really must be off. Maybe one last question.

Dear police chief trying to defect,

Whenever I see a  crippled beggar, I give them money because I feel sorry for them. Then my Chinese friends get very with me and say I shouldn’t; they’re all part of professional gangs making hundreds of yuan every day. But I suspect they’re all full of shit. You look like you might know a thing or two about gangs. What do you think?

Long John Silver

Police chief trying to defect says:

A lot of people are asking me a lot of questions these days! It’s enough to make my head spin. Where do you think you are going, Mr Wang? Do you have something you want to show us? Are you planning a trip Stateside? And the answer to them all is an emphatic, ‘I want to explain to the whole world the reasons behind my actions.’

Let me tell you something. I recently visited a travel agent in Chengdu (at great personal risk to myself, I might add). I had all the necessary credentials. But you know what? They gave me the wrong tickets! I ended up in Beijing again. The minute I stepped off the plane and sniffed the air, I knew something was wrong. Luckily my chums in State Security were waiting with my ride. Anyway, that’s it from me. I really, really need to leave. Like, yesterday.

Last week: Ask a Mormon missionary working undercover in the PRC

Next week: Ask a dissident who can’t get arrested

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