By BAGONG JIZHE
Chinese media correspondent

GT staff say they would love to go on strike, if they could just afford to buy the banners

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – The editorial writer for nationalist newspaper the Global Times has told friends that he would like to join strikers at the Southern Weekly, if only he could pick the lock on his chains.

For the past four days, anonymous GT op-ed writer Wen Wenwen has watched in frustration as his peers at the independent-minded Guangdong newspaper revolted against interference by local propaganda officials.

“I’d love to go on strike,” Wen complained. “But unfortunately, I am unable to disable the alarm on my ankle tag.”

According to his contract, Wen must file 1,000 words of dross-and-dribble per day on a range of topics, from slamming the West’s interference in China’s internal affairs to attacking the US for influencing domestic issues.

“It’s hard work, especially as I’m absolutely forbidden from using either logic or reason,” Wen sighed. “Last week, I wrote 800 words ferociously castigating Ai Weiwei – without ever mentioning the words ‘Ai Weiwei.’ Imagine that.”

Wen spends up to 12 hours a day in a darkened room, and is denied access to the Internet in order to research articles.

“I’d love to go on strike but I have a sick mother and two children,” Wen admitted. “The bastards have got me right where they want me. I don’t even dislike the US; I actually love Desperate Housewives.”

The argument at the Southern Weekly has meanwhile spilled out into full-scale protest, with hundreds of students, professors, retirees and journalists demonstrating outside the newspaper’s headquarters in Guangzhou.

The argument centers on a local propaganda head’s decision to unilaterally replace an original New Year’s editorial about constitutionalism with his own, ham-fisted puff piece in support of the Communist Party.

But GT’s Wen had some words of advice for his angry Southern colleagues. “You guys are lucky,” he whispered. “At least you don’t have to write that crap yourself.”

This is not the first time the Global Times has been in the news recently.

Just last week, the paper hit the headlines after an actual, physical copy was found on sale in a magazine booth in Dongzhimen. The newspaper later apologized for the error.

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by WEI AIAI
Economics Correspondent

Police deny the case has anything to do with Ai Weiwei

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – A well-known Chinese economist has lost his appeal against charges of artistic evasion.

Ever since renowned taxation pundit Lu Tao was apprehended at Shanghai airport last year, while boarding a plane to Macau to lecture on revaluation of the yuan, calls have been growing for the Chinese courts to overturn their decision to fine the rogue economist.

Many believe the true reason for the case was Lu’s inflammatory speech regarding the inappropriateness of Keynesian analysis for examining fluctuations in the market price of shale gas, delivered at the Harvard Business School last March.

The economist’s outspoken criticisms of flagship Chinese economic policies are believed to have angered finance ministers.

Although the chubby neo-liberal – nicknamed “Fatty” Lu – made a name for himself on the international economics scene long before his arrest, it was the decision to charge him with so-called “artistic crimes” that sent shockwaves through the media last year, and catapulted Lu to greater fame.

Although Lu himself says the charges were “frivolous,” Beijing has denied that the case is connected with Lu’s economic activities.

“Lu Tao’s arrest has nothing to do with his economic principles or his academic output,” a spokesman told foreign media in one of the government’s few official statements on the matter. “This is a legal case, according to local laws and customs.”

Beijing has instead waged a propaganda war against Lu through various mouthpieces, such as an editorial in the Hong Kong state-backed newspaper Wen Wei Po, which claimed that “Lu secretly pursued a painting career while posing as an economist.”

The anonymous writer claimed that police had found evidence of several “poorly-realized traditional Chinese landscapes on canvas,” adding that their “amateur draughtsmanship” represented a “deliberate insult to the aesthetic principles of our 5,000-year-old culture, as cherished and preserved by the Communist Party.”

Although friends say the paintings merely represent Lu’s amateur drawing habit and “aren’t bad,” that didn’t stop Beijing police from confiscating artistic materials – including paintbrushes, a pastels set and several sheets of stiff-backed parchment – from his university offices.

Lu’s wife Zhang Yuqin, who is believed to have sat for one of her husband’s incendiary attempts at Impressionist portraiture, was also questioned.

Wen Wei Po said the sketches were “risible” and “offended police” but fellow economics professor Lin Dehua told China Daily Show that “it is abundantly clear these ‘artistic evasion’ charges are not really about the fact that Lu is a famously atrocious illustrator.”

According to Lin, “this case has everything to do with the relevance of Hegelian theory in assessing the historical significance of the Gold Standard.”

Lu’s opposition to corruption is well-documented and controversial passages in his twelve-volume, banned bestseller Be More Like Belgium (2009) – asserting that trickle-down economics is only applicable to developed and centralized societies –are said to have infuriated senior officials.

“Lu’s pencil drawings may be relatively unaccomplished, but did the police just happen to hone in on a doodler who also has a flawless command of the intricacies of economic transformation in China’s post-socialist marketplace?” Professor Lin asked. “Please.”

Lin said that Lu was a public figure who frightened the Party.

“Let’s be honest,” he added, “if anyone’s going to be a figurehead for a Chinese revolution, it’s an economist.”

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By MINZU TUANJIE
Tibet Correspondent

Experts head to class in Lhasa

Lhasa (China Daily Show) – Tibet is to be closed for routine cleaning and repairs, the Chinese Foreign Ministry told reporters yesterday.

The quotidian, non-newsworthy maintenance period could take months, or even years, explained spokesman Liu Weimin, adding that the closure was to “ensure safety” for foreign visitors and make sure Tibet was presented “at its best.”

“This is perfectly normal and should not be misinterpreted for political reasons,” Liu warned casually.

“Western countries often shut down roads or public buildings for repair, so there’s absolutely nothing unusual about sealing off an entire autonomous region from the outside world.”

More than 30 self-immolation attempts by Tibetans – including two outside Lhasa’s heavily visited Johkang Temple in May – have wracked the province in the last six months.

But Liu said the quarantine was simply a matter of clearing-up “routine wear and tear.”

“As a major tourist attraction and national treasure, Tibet occasionally requires stability repairs,” said Liu. “These are normal but difficult – and potentially dangerous – to undertake while the region is open to foreign tourists and international media.”

The maintenance is part of a planned five-year series of national renovations, which is expected to see Xinjiang close for two years and re-open as an ethnic minority theme park.

The full list of works in Tibet has not been disclosed but China Daily Show has learnt that priorities will include widening and repaving major streets to cater for visitors traveling in urban assault vehicles, conducting fire safety re-education campaigns at all major attractions, and adding a handicap-accessible ramp on the second floor of the Potala Palace.

As a sign of the government’s commitment to employee safety, all re-education will be conducted by an elite branch of the Chinese military.

Online searches for ‘Tibet’ now return the message: “This region is currently undergoing scheduled maintenance. We apologize for the inconvenience.”

A sign outside Tibet warns foreign tourists not to bother (Image: Tylenol)

Reporters seeking further information at the border were last night confronted with a sign outside the crossing station at Batang, warning ‘Caution: wet floor.’

Leaning heavily on a mop, cigarette dangling from her lips, 51-year-old cleaning lady Wen Danlin said she didn’t know anything about the government’s plans to close Tibet.

She then pointed to a series of fresh footprints on her recently mopped floor and tutted loudly.

Due to the ongoing maintenance, no Tibetans are available for comment for the foreseeable future. But last night, the sound of hammering, drills and high-pitched screams could be heard across the Sichuan-Tibet border, suggesting work had already begun in earnest.

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By BAO FOJIAO
Religious Affairs Correspondent

A suitably evil-looking Catholic ceremony in China recently

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – A high-profile spat between the Vatican and Chinese Communist Party has split opinion among critics who normally simply dislike both.

Relations between the two, long strained, were plunged into further crisis by the dramatic resignation last week of Bishop Thaddeus Ma Daqin.

Bishop Ma announced his withdrawal from the state-run Chinese Catholic Patriotic Association (CCPA) at his ordination in front of a congregation of 1,200.

The Vatican claims the sole right to appoint bishops worldwide; Beijing insists that any sovereignty within China belongs to the Party.

The conflict has divided supporters of neither.

“At the end of the day, the Catholic Church’s support for universal human values must be the deciding factor for me,” sighed Stephanie Pence, a legal clerk in Milwaukee. “Even though they must bear huge responsibility for the proliferation of AIDS in places such as Africa.

“No, wait: I need to think about this.”

Last year, the CCPA forced clergy loyal to Rome to take part in the appointment of three of its bishops, an act seen by many abroad as indicative of Beijing’s persecution of religious freedom.

Physicist Sundarshan Gupta disagrees. “No, no, no,” Gupta said, wearily, his red-lined eyes betraying a sleepless night debating the issue.

“An essentially secular government, such as in post-Mao China, is the bedrock of a healthy, pluralistic society,” Gupta insisted. “No more matter how corrupt or self-serving… I’m pretty sure about that.”

Those who wish to worship outside state auspices must do so in underground churches that face regular disruption by authorities. Bishop Ma  has since been allegedly detained and banned from performing ceremonies.

“It’s kind of weird to find myself getting worked up about Beijing’s attitude towards Chinese Catholics,” admitted graduate student and self-confessed ‘slut’ Helen Getty. “Especially when you consider that I spend a lot of my time defending myself against these religious nutjobs.”

Getty admitted that it was extremely hard to choose between two aging, rigid, deeply unpopular institutions.

But as she debated whether to dress as a ‘tarty bishop’ or ‘promiscuous official’ at a rally in support of religious freedom that evening, Getty said that, as conflicted as her opinions were, ultimately, her belief in the absolute freedom of expression was the deciding factor.

“I guess what I’m saying is, I think Catholics should be free to channel their sexual frustration and self-disgust into vindictive personal attacks on me if they want, and I should be free to tell them to go shove it right back where they don’t want it,” Getty declared, as she polished off a small glass of wine and settled on the ‘tarty bishop’ look.

For some, the issue is not just one of human rights as outdated, superstitious ideology.

“It’s extremely hard to take seriously anyone that believes in the tangible existence of foreign devils,” said Tsinghua Professor of Sociology He Fang.

Professor Fang says the Vatican and Party represent two large opposing forces who nevertheless share much in common.

“When two ostensibly evil powers clash, that can be a very confusing moment for all of us – especially for those who normally couldn’t give a shit about either.”

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Foreign black hand – or just your creepy church leader?

Play ‘Party or Vatican,’ the game that’s sweeping China! 

1)    Oops! That school your dodgy organization built just collapsed and it’s time for a hasty self-criticism. But do you confess to a bishop – or your local Party secretary?

2)   You just got caught raping a 10-year-old schoolboy – but that doesn’t necessarily mean a court appearance anytime soon. Is that because you’re a Catholic priest or a provincial cadre?

3)   Your education turns out to be riddled with inaccuracies, omissions and historical distortions. But where did you just graduate from: the seminary – or Communist Party School?

4)   There’s nothing like an internal conflict to leave the blood of tens of millions on your hands. But who were you needlessly slaughtering – heretics or counter-revolutionaries?

How to play: simply choose either answer. Congratulations – it’s the right answer. 

Enjoy more China fun with @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By ZHAO HUO
Tibet Correspondent

Phuntsok at a Lhasa hospital photocall yesterday

LHASA (China Daily Show) – Self-immolating monk Thangka Phuntsok says he’s packing in the fireworks, after his last conflagration failed to attract a single AP journalist.

The 23-year-old auto-arsonist dramatically sacked veteran publicist Cliff Hyde from his hospital bed on Monday night.

Phuntsok says Hyde dramatically misled him when he advised that setting himself alight on a crowded Lhasa street last week would bring worldwide media attention to the plight of the Tibetan people.

“I asked to see the clippings afterwards,” said a heavily sedated Phuntsok, currently recuperating in the serious clerical-burns unit at the No 3 Hospital of the University of Lhasa Medical College.

“Cliff handed me a press release from a one-man Hong Kong human rights operation,” Phuntsok recalled. “I nearly choked on my hospital food – unfortunately, I was being fed via a drip.”

Terminating his five-year contract with the Lhasa-based PR agency Duq & Hyde, Phuntsok expressed his appreciation for the firm’s efforts, but warned that, when a flaming fireball protest in China couldn’t make global headlines, “something has gone horribly wrong.”

Phuntosk’s was the latest in a seemingly unending wave of recent Tibetan self-immolations, aimed at bringing an end to government interference in the Buddhist religion and returning the exiled Dalai Lama to his rightful place.

But the protests have gone largely unnoticed – due in part to a security crackdown that prevents journalists from covering them. Without graphic and iconic images, publicists like Hyde say they’re hamstrung.

“On one side, you’ve got a country whose diplomatic clout means that foreign countries no longer exert the same pressure they once did over Tibet,” explained Hyde from his office. “On the other, you’ve got all this Bo Xilai stuff. It’s hard to compete with a plotline from Game of Thrones.”

“The situation has changed,” agreed Beijing-based PR guru Bill Lee. “These days, simply turning yourself into a fireball isn’t enough. If you want to get the press corps out of Jianguomen, you can’t just be an activist – you need to be a blind activist, who’s able to leap walls and crash embassy parties.”

Phuntsok said he now planned to launch a microblog to publicize future flame-ups and monitor his own campaign for justice.

“When you consider how much gasoline prices have risen,” Phuntsok croaked from behind cracked and charred lips, “it might be cheaper just to do my own publicity.”

His next move will be an online survey, asking netizens to vote on self-cremation, entitled simply ‘Hot or Not?’

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By SHAN GANQING
Employment Correspondent

Chinese workers clamour to donate some money –but not too much – to a charity fund

SHANGHAI (China Daily Show) — An American proofreader has upset his co-workers after donating too much money to one of his company’s regular disaster-relief funds.

The incident has unwittingly sparked a furious web campaign and comes at a difficult time for non-domestics in China, as the country engages in a ‘100 Flowers for Foreigners’ campaign, aimed at cracking down on reprobate English teachers.

John Warner, 26, of Littleton, Colorado, was feeling nauseous during his lunch hour Tuesday and decided to go home early, unaware that HR representatives had planned a surprise fundraising activity that day in the canteen.

Warner’s absence was immediately noticed by the company’s receptionist – and resident tattle-tattle – Carolyn Wei. “I knew he had gotten salary higher than ours did, so he should have been the first to donate it!” an indignant Wei told reporters.

After receiving a text message from sympathetic colleague Li Zhifang, Warner returned and promptly donated 1,000 yuan to the cause, stifling dissent – but creating a whole new problem.

The thoughtless largesse has “deeply hurt the feelings of the company’s Chinese people,” according to Li, prompting an intranet gossip thread entitled ‘Who did John thought he was? Bob Gates?’

“It was at that moment,” said a satisfied Li, “that everyone’s comment begin to change. Now they said he thought he was better than ours!”

By early Tuesday evening, as Warner recovered at home, the ‘Bob Gates Source’ meme had been reposted online over 4 million times and an energetic netizen campaign to oust him from the country was in full swing.

Web analysts predict that, by the end of the week, Warner will have managed to inadvertently offend virtually the entire country.

Meanwhile, the total sum of RMB 5,862, raised by 126 individual employees, was donated to the China Red Cross Wednesday and had disappeared by Thursday.

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By HUI JIA
Foreigners Correspondent

Police respond to reports of a red-headed devil spotted lurking near a Chinese female

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – The Chinese government has launched an exciting new visa campaign, aimed at promoting better ‘inclusiveness’ for foreigners.

In a bid to make foreign nationals feel just as caught up in a rule-crazy bureaucracy as their Chinese peers, cities across the nation announced the new campaign – dubbed ‘100 Flowers for Foreigners’ – amid public fanfare yesterday.

The campaign encourages foreigners to merely approach their nearest police station, carrying their three ‘haves’ – a valid passport, visa and/or residence permit, landlord’s agreement or/and rental agreement, alien’s work permit and/or/and ‘foreign expert certificate,’ marriage license, bank details, invitation letter, plus their current thoughts on free-market socialism.

“The officers will then scrutinize the completed documents for some time, before announcing that there is a big problem,” promised Beijing public security spokesman Wen Ping. “It’ll be just like you’re authentically Chinese.”

Local communities have been asked to help encourage shy foreigners to come forward and have their day in the sun.

Expats in China can sometimes feel left out of its Communist society, experts say.

While their Chinese co-workers rush off for impromptu Marxism lessons or suddenly vanish into closed-door ‘bonding sessions,’ white-skinned employees are often left to wonder what the fuck just happened to the rest of the office.

Officials hope that the new rules will help foreigners in China acclimatize – or get the hell out.

Not everyone has welcomed the move, however. Younger expats have been overheard worrying that it could interfere with well-laid plans to get totally messed-up this summer.

The nostalgic campaign evokes Mao Zedong’s glorious ‘100 Flowers’ campaign of 1957, during which the then-Chairman encouraged intellectual and scholars to critique the Communist Party, urging: “Let one hundred flowers blossom, let one hundred schools of thought contend.”

Due to a severe natural drought at the time, though, many of those flowers sadly perished.

Police are determined not to let that happen again, promising to visit local watering holes to ensure that any foreigners there are well refreshed, well documented and well on their way back to their native countries.

“Come on everybody, it’s summer,” urged Ping. “Let all the foreign flowers come out and taste the rule of law!”

Follow China and expat news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter 

Dear dissident who can’t get arrested,

I got worried when I saw these guys outside my building this morning. But it turns out one of my neighbours is a serial killer!

My beloved pet cat went missing while I was out walking it in the park last week. Afterwards, I spotted one of my neighbours wearing a bracelet exactly like the diamond-studded collar my little Fang Fang used to wear. When I queried it, however, she smiled and invited me to discuss the matter over a special hotpot. Should I go?

I Thought I Saw a Pussy Cat

Dissident who can’t get arrested says:

I recently went down to the Avenue of Eternal Peace with some monks, and released several hundred snakes and doves. I was even wearing a a T-shirt with the words ‘One-party rule is a disaster’ in prominent characters. In no time at all, several cops turned up and ask me where I bought the shirt. I told them it’s from a 1946 Communist Party newspaper! They all laughed and told me bring a dozen down to the station for their friends.

Dear dissident who can’t get arrested,

Could you help my friends and I settle a debate? I’m convinced Hong Kong is a Semi-Autonomous Zone but she is certain it is a Special Administrative Region. My other mate suggests that it doesn’t matter, that Hong Kong is an incontrovertible part of China and we should both just shut the fuck up. Who do you think is right?

No Access to Google

Dissident who can’t get arrested says:

Have you checked out my counterrevolutionary pornography? It is very yellow, very offensive. You can find it at [redacted]. Close blue pop-up windows and scrolling down halfway, look for the link called “Great Deep Forward.” Please ignore any red pop-up: that’s prostitute “spam” and nothing to do with me: it will mess up your hard drive and is, believe me, very difficult to get rid of.

OK, so I recommend the video with Chairman Mao in a donkey suit, reading (in truth, it’s not the real Mao. It’s an artist friend of mine, wearing a grey suit and fake mole: very convincing, though). Pay special attention to the book in his hand. That’s right: it’s the banned Ming Dynasty classic The Plum in the Golden Vase! Today, I see my local police station is following this on Weibo. I wait for the knock at my door. Instead, they re-tweet.

Dear dissident who can’t get arrested,

I recently pulled some strings to get an editorial piece published in a major US newspaper. It was extolling the virtues of working in China and I duly sucked on the panda’s teat till my lips cracked. A few months on, I now realize what an embarrassingly naive greenhorn I must have appeared writing it.  I’m now telling everyone that it was, in fact, intended as a satirical piece and the editors utterly missed the point. Do you think this will wash?

Jonathan Levine

Dissident who can’t get arrested says:

I’m not really sure this has anything to do with the real issue at hand. Namely, my efforts to raise awareness of the recent government white paper Social Taxes in Anhui Province. This is an issue that has been scandalously neglected in the West, You can read all about my efforts to resist the state’s plan to raise taxes on rural farmers by three percent in exchange for “social benefits” at my personal blog, sxuysncine.net. Click through the sidebar underneath the ad for kitchen knives. I have some devastating things to say about the local taxation bureau and, judging from my hit rates, it’s clear the powers that be are doing everything they can to prevent people from viewing this incendiary material.

Last week: Ask a police chief trying to defect
Next week: Ask a Japanese AV star

Having problems? Need to talk to an expert? Send your questions to cds@chinadailyshow.com

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By RONG REN
Politics Correspondent

The LP cover of 'Waitin' For a High-Speed Train' boasts an arousing image of Bo

CHONGQING (China Daily Show) — Tributes were pouring in yesterday for Chongqing Party Secretary Bo Xilai, after he offered his resignation to focus on solo projects.

Once nicknamed “the Selecta,” Bo had been almost single-handedly responsible for resurrecting the mountain city’s ailing music industry, with a slew of “country and Eastern” records such as 2010’s The Red Album and 2011’s The Non-Gambler.

“I have enormously enjoyed working with the Chongqing Municipality House Band over the last few years,” wrote Bo in his letter.  “But we both want to go in different directions. You need more of the same. I want to go left. It’s time to move on.”

As the son of Bo Yibo, a revolutionary leader and one of the CCP’s “Eight Immortals,”  it was Bo Jr’s belief in traditional socialist values that first led a grateful public to dub Bo the “People’s Princeling.”

His dedication to social mobility, for example, saw entire communities uproot themselves. A separate interest in public housing, meanwhile, led to profitable collaborations with real-estate developers in the city state. Many compare him to a modern-day Robin Hood.

Together with Wang Lijun, formerly of The Police, Bo led a well-publicized crackdown on “black” elements in the region. “Chongqing had been infamous from the late 1980s for its gritty West Side gangsta image,” said local lawyer Li Xun. “Bo and Wang crushed this triad culture and revived the old-time socialist country music.

“They encouraged people to fall in love with revolutionary culture, all over again,” added Li. “Of course, by revolution, I mean status quo. And by encourage, I mean force.”

Folksy hits such as “She left me for a capitalist roader,” “All I need is this bottle of baijiu (and a Chairman Mao poster)” and “Take me home, Third Ring Road” even spawned so-called “red song” rallies, attended by thousands of pensioners lured by an unlimited lunch buffet.

Soon, television came reluctantly calling. At Bo’s urging, the smash-hit dating show How Much Do You Earn? was replaced with 1950s period drama Fiscally Responsible Housewives, which proved popular with the nostalgic 75-85 stay-at-home grandmother demographic.

But after Wang and Bo fell out – a rivalry bitterly anatomized in Wang’s heartfelt 2012 cover ‘Your Cheatin’ Heart’ – the hits dried up and the pock-marked princeling’s Chongqing salad days were seemingly numbered. Nevertheless, news of his resignation still came as a shock to many.

“Is it really true? This is big problem,” wept clothing vendor Hu Bai, who had just taken delivery of half-a-million Bo Xilai t-shirts. “How am I going to sell all these?”

Others pointed out the immeasurable loss to culture. “The music world hasn’t been this badly hit in years. First Michael, then Whitney, now Bo. Who’s next – Weird Al?” wondered one record executive.

China’s ruling party has taken the offer of Bo’s  resignation in its stride, however.

“Comrade Bo and the Party have fulfilled their duties to the satisfaction of the people,” said Chongqing Municipal CPC Committee spokesperson Wang Ke. “Now it’s time to cease all discussion of the topic.”

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By CHUN GE
Spring Festival Correspondent

Cops help a petitioner whose sign reads ‘Will pelt Apple store with eggs for one-way ticket to Gansu’

BEIJING (China Daily Show) – Zhang Lu did not have to wait long.

Standing in Tiananmen Square with a giant placard reading ‘Shandong government, give me back my land,’ it took just thirty seconds for a team of plainclothes police officers to arrive offering assistance.

Two hours later, Zhang was on a train enjoying a hearty meal, paid for by the guard escorting him home. Yet the 28-year-old migrant worker was delighted. For the first time in years, he’d secured a ticket home for Chinese New Year – and he hadn’t had to pay for it either. “I don’t even own any land,” he grinned.

Zhang’s tale is not an untypical one. In a country whose continuing obsession with the annual Spring Festival get-together has become a source of untold misery for those unable to find an affordable handrail home, more and more workers are exploiting the government’s obsession with stability to score a free handrail back.

The situation is at breaking point, experts warn. Bosses frequently withhold vital wages – or abscond with payrolls – after construction jobs finish. Meanwhile, the Ministry of Transport’s recent introduction of an online booking system, requiring real-name registration, has simply made scalpers’ jobs easier:  few of China’s nearly half-billion web users are minimum-wage laborers.

Posing as a petitioner, though, virtually guarantees an instantaneous journey to the provinces, courtesy of the central government.

Petitioning – the official airing of grievances, often by traveling to the capital to plead a case in person – is an archaic, judicial last-resort in China, designed to side-step its skewed court system and offer possible redress to the wronged. In fact, however, it often results in plaintiffs being kidnapped and sent home – and for many migrant workers, that’s the ideal result.

“It was probably worth it,” said Jie, an avuncular grandmother who works as a traditional Chinese dentist in Beijing, touching the numerous bruises on her face. Jie gave up hope after queuing at a train station for three days without success. A friend suggested she saunter through Xidan wearing a ‘Free Wukan’ T-shirt.

Workers queue hopefully outside a booth selling tickets to queue at another station selling tickets

“I got the usual sustained beating and lost a couple of teeth – but there’s no other way I could have gotten any standing room to Changsha this late in the day,” Jie mused.

With the petitioning scam now simply the latest migrant craze, Jie observed, it’s already getting harder to make an impact. “Next year I’ll probably have to light myself on fire,” she sighed.

In fact, the main drawback to the scheme, says Zhang, is having to attend the festival itself.

“Since I got back to my family, I’ve only been asked two questions: how much money have you brought for us, and when are you going to get married? I’m beginning to think it wasn’t worth having my balls whipped with a car aerial for two days, after all.”

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