By SAO GOODMAN
Crime Correspondent

Confiscated from the site were four bootlegged seasons of AMC

WENZHOU (China Daily Show) – Police were last night hunting a trio of drug dealers after a botched batch of traditional Chinese methamphetamine (TCM) unexpectedly exploded, killing two and singeing the eyelashes of one.

Witnesses in the thriving business city of Wenzhou reported smelling smoke and fragrant herbs before the explosion. A camper van was seen hightailing it out of the area, tires squealing, shortly after the makeshift laboratory went up in flames.

Local cops quickly released the names of three suspects: Hai Zengbo, 52, his wife Si Kailuo, 47, and 26-year-old acolyte Ping Meng.

Police began to suspect the team of cooking TCM after plainclothes officers observed Ping purchasing large boiling cauldrons and suspicious amounts of lizard scales, bat wool and anhydrous ammonia from a neighborhood dispensary.

TCM is a popular cure in China used for common ailments such as fatigue, loss of libido, boredom and wealth. Users typically feel euphoric and productive before losing most of their teeth and moving in under a bridge.

Constant gurning was one of several problems Long Marchers faced

Chinese meth was once also a favorite remedy against fatigue for sentries guarding fortifications such as the Great Wall.

Ming General Qi Jiguang is among several well-known historic tweakers, and Mao Zedong’s Red Army medics reportedly whipped up several batches just prior to the Long March of 1934. Subsequent paintings depicting peasants grinning and waving during the arduous journey (left) are historically accurate.

According to police, Hai is a chemistry teacher who had fallen on hard times after his wife was duped into letting a snake bite her repeatedly to cure her of an obtuse case of passive aggressiveness.

When all of Hai’s hair fell out, he was forced to go into drug dealing to pay for a costly series of mostly useless traditional Chinese procedures.

Police say Hai then recruited one of his former students, Ping Meng, 26, a college drop-out and former race car driver, now on the look-out for a new direction.

Ping’s extensive contacts in the endangered wildlife trade made the unlikely pair a perfect partnership for a TCM bonanza. But that all came to an abrupt halt this weekend when Ping, apparently seeking to narrow the gang’s pseudo-echinacea margins, attempted to cook using the grungier “hot pot” method, while Hai was dozing.

Also known as the “shake and bake,” the technique involves pouring all the ingredients into one large container and stirring vigorously, which increases the risk of spontaneous combustion due to the proximity of unstable qi to the heat source.

Hai is now said to be “hopping mad” with Ping.

Follow this and other China news at @Chinadailyshow on Twitter

Dear immaculately dressed West African gentleman loitering outside Yashow Market,

I’ve just split up with my girlfriend of three years, and although I felt ready to move on at the time, I find myself unable to be with anybody else. I keep trying to initiate conversation with girls I find attractive, but whenever something seems to lead somewhere I find myself losing interest and thinking about my ex. After three or four terrible dates I’ve started to worry that I’m never going to get over her, but she’s already happy with a new guy and has moved back to the States. What should I do?

Desperate, Dongzhimen

Hey man. Why you never call?

Immaculately dressed West African gentleman outside Yashow says:

Hey! Boss! Hey! How are you? I’m Mike. Let’s talk, man. Where you from? You’re a cool dude, right. Cool guy. Like your shoes, man. Yeah. So, you like to party, boss? Dude? You like to smoke a little? You love to smoke, right, boss? Yeah? Where you from? Oh, yeah? That’s awesome, yeah.

So, you smoke, right? I got some good stuff my friend. Good price, man, best in Beijing. I’ll look after you, you’re my friend, man. That’s why I only charge you friendship price, that’s right boss. Give me your number bro.

Where you going, boss?

Last week: Ask a foreign man who’s had fifteen failed relationships in eight months

Next week: Ask a freelance marketer, journalist and new media entrepreneur in Shanghai

Send your questions to cds@chinadailyshow.com

Follow this and other leading China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By WANG WEI
Political Correspondent

Last year's Nobel stash is said to have reminded Obama of his Harvard days

OSLO (China Daily Show) – Representatives of various embassies expressed doubts today over their attendance, previously described as “in the bag,” after Nobel organizers admitted the after-party would likely be “pretty boring.”

“We’d planned big party as usual,” said Nobel Peace Prize spokesman Arne Norblat. “Colombian ambassador normally brings huge kilo of blow, for example, while [Moroccan ambassador] Tariq [Khan] always has enough gear for everyone to get their smoke on. Last year was fucking gas, man, but this time, quite few of major players aren’t coming.”

“There’ll be plenty of smoked-salmon sandwiches, though,” added Norblat.

Colombia and Morocco are two of 19 countries who have decided to boycott this year’s Peace Prize, controversially awarded to jailed Chinese dissident Liu Xiaobo, currently serving an 11-year sentence for “inciting subversion of state power.”

Other nations include Serbia, Iraq, Iran, Vietnam and the Philippines, whose withdrawal is said to have disrupted plans to lead delegates in a “hot-tub hooker conga” after the awards ceremony.

“Nobody cares about Saudi Arabia, Sudan or Egypt,” said Norblat. “Those guys have really tight asses. Last year, we just wait for them to leave before busting out the good shit and getting party started.”

Norbalt said that the Committee was particularly hurt after receiving a text message from the German ambassador, saying he might have “accidentally überbucht” that evening. German pages privately confirmed the ambassador has received a much more promising invitation to an Expat Beer Pong Challenge at a local brauhaus.

Hopes that the U.S. might at least bring some “Iowan bush weed” hung in the air after reports from the embassy indicated the ambassador was “weighing his options.”

According to an anonymous source from the Nobel Committee, after-party organizers had considered a quick run to Amsterdam, but felt that the quality and amounts could not be accurately relied upon, and that “it just wouldn’t be the same.”

Further embarrassment was heaped upon the Nobel Committee Wednesday after Venezuela’s Hugo Chavez publicly announced he would not be attending the December 11 ceremony and urged “the international despot community” to instead join him at a piranha party, held at an undisclosed location, but likely to be under a volcano.

Follow this and other China news at @chinadailyshow on Twitter

By JONAS WHALE
Entertainment Correspondent

Lohan is reported to be giving serious thought to taking up an academic position in China

LOS ANGELES (China Daily Show) – Lindsay Lohan’s cellmate has revealed that America’s least favorite actress and noted cocaine lover is considering teaching English in China as part of a “personal journey of self-discovery.”

An anonymous prison guard from the minimum-security Brentwood facility confirmed yesterday that a screened telephone call was placed by Babs ‘the Beast’ Bellavaqua, 43, of Compton, Los Angeles, to her lawyer, in which the Mean Girls actress’s intentions were revealed.

“’I want to get as far away from drugs as possible,’ that’s what she said,” Bellavaqua told her attorney in a tape heard by China Daily Show, yesterday. “Lindsay feels unwanted, unloved and unable to get a job in her own country.”

Experts agree that a working visit to China seems the obvious solution.

Phone calls placed by China Daily Show to Lohan’s parents were not immediately returned. But a visa agent in Beijing has reported receiving the passport of one Michael Joseph Lohan, Sr, shortly after the news was released.

“He wanted the one-year tourist visa,” said the agent, who preferred to remain anonymous on account of legal complications regarding her agency. “As for his daughter, I don’t know.”

A Peking University source, who wished to remain anonymous, claimed that the university was on stand-by to sack its current Visiting Emeritus Professor of Literature, Toni Morrison, and hire Lohan at a moment’s notice,  should the actress decide to pursue academia in China.

Stay on top of China news. Follow @chinadailyshow on Twitter